When should you tell your child they were Adopted?

Question

My Finace has a child from a previous marriage. He wanted to tell the child for MANY years but the ex wife say the child first too young, then going through pre teens, NOW she said that she do not want to put too much stress on an High school student 16 years old. Last month during a family event we all were at the family were all talking about having babies and adoption, His cousin a female Doctor is adopting now. The grandmother made a comment to the family that she wish her granddaughter (the doctor) would Birth her own child as her oldest child then adopt later because Her Grandson (my fiance)and the Ex wife birth a child then adopted later.. Oh the look on my fiance face because the adults only knew about the adoption of his child but His nieces and nephews and younger cousins were all sitting around wondering who was adopted? I must say of course they figured it out instantly because the adopted child is the 2nd child.

Answer 1

i would say;;now

Answer 2

Hi there. I am a therapist and can offer that perspective. The best rule of thumb I've seen is as soon as the child is able to understand what adopted means. Since the young lady is past that age I suggest the sooner the better. I think the 'stress' (as if finding out your adopted has to be stressful!) will only get worse as more time goes by and 'how come you never told me' is more likely to be her concern rather than her being adopted. The grandmother sounds toxic and should really hush up. I think it would be stressful if she found out by someone other than her mother. This could cause damage to their relationship. In this case the truth is first on the list, everything else is a distant second. Good luck! Oh and I believe there are books and information on the web about telling a child he/she is adopted.

Answer 3

There was a time when being adopted carried social stigma, and such children were often treated differently from the parents' birth children.

I see so many children who are obviously adopted, being clearly of a different race than the parents, there simply isn't the stigma, and the laws treat adopted children the same as birth children.

I'm in the process of trying to adopt now. We've dealt with this question.

My opinion is that when a child is old enough to understand the process of birth, they can understand that someone else besides "mommy" gave birth to them, and grow up knowing that it simply doesn't matter.

Answer 4

Should have done it from the start. I say do research on how to handle that situation... telling the adoptee... tell them.... and be prepared for any fall out... such as providing a therapist if necessary. I don't understand the point in hiding an adoption these days.... what's the secret... or more importantly the "shame" behind it. Knowing that little bit of information may help be better prepared to deal with the fallout and answer questions. Good luck!

Answer 5

There is nothing wrong with telling a child from the beginning. It's not a matter of age. Even a child of 4 or 5 can know they were adopted out of love and they were picked. To wait only confuses the child. It leads them to think they were misled or lied to. Earlier is always better. That way they grow up knowing they were hand picked and loved.

Answer 6

As hard as it may be, the child should have known always. As in, telling them as a child that they are adopted but that they have parents who love them very much. That way there is never a big to-do life-changing trauma and drama of finding out that they are adopted. It's been way too long to hold this out on the child. He's going to blow up when he finds out, and his mom deserves it. She's putting it off for herself, and not for him, b/c the best thing for him would have been to know a long time ago--not when he's fully grown.

Answer 7

I think the sooner the better. But in your case, what you should do is get your husband, you, and your stepdaughter together, and just talk about it as a family, just the THREE of you. When you tell her, you have to expect that she might be angry that you "lied" all these years but she'll come around to the idea. Pretty soon, she might start asking who her 'real' parents were. Make sure you can handle that want and need from her and support it. Good luck.

Answer 8

The cat's out of the bag. Now its time for damage control. Let the child know that they were adopted out of love and that you support any decision the child makes about the birth parents.

Answer 9

The child should have been told as soon as they were old enough to understand (like 3 or 4 years old). Keeping it a secret only causes a traumatic event when the child finally realizes his/her parents have been keeping such a major secret!

Answer 10

How awful to find out you were adopted after you are an adult. The child should have been told when she was young.

My mother withheld a family secret from me my entire life and I found out after she had passed away. It has been so hard for me to accept and she is not here to answer my questions.

Answer 11

Hell being adopted no big deal. I was adopted and I didnt care, didnt think any less of my parents or anything. They told me when I was 5 and I said thats kool and went on with my day. Tell them asap so they have more time to think about it and try not to make it huge deal it pisses me off when people say like omg ur adopted!?! Very annoying.