As the adult (female) child of an abusive mother and as a believer, how should I deal w/ her? Seeing her ph #?

Question

on caller ID makes me cringe. There's this wall b/t us but I'm not sure I want it to come down. However, I feel guilty for my hatred and unforgiveness. Anyone else go through this?

Answer 1

I am a male, 51 years old. I was abused by my mother (father left and died when I was young), both physically and mentally.

I left home at the age of 17 and hated my mother. (1973)

I was married, had children (thought I was a Christian) and hated my mother, while still trying to (honer thy mother).

She died in 1984, I was 28 years old.

It was found that she was eat up with cancer of the brain and the doctors said it had been there at least 20 years.

One would think after finding out she was sick, I would be able to forgive her and say well she was sick, but I still hated her.

I would not carry her coffin, I went to the funeral for the sake of my children.

I did not cry, and when she was in the hospital dying I told them not to call me until she was gone.

I did not care how she was doing or that she was in pain. Just let me know when she is gone.

In 1990 I understood (I was not a Christian) and was born again.
In 1991 (at the age of 35) I was able to go to the Cemetery where my mother was buried and I cried on her grave and asked her to forgive me (No I do not believe she heard me- but I asked God to make sure she would know when the time came.

And I also told her I forgave her (I had to forgive even she was sick at the time she was that way).

I am now 51 and a Pastor/Missionary and I still think about what happened but it seems I remember a lot more good times with her than bad times.

Please get right with Jesus before it is too late to do anything about your relationship with your mother.

God Bless you...and (I am) praying for you.
Rev. Roy Ross

Answer 2

You don't want the wall to come down, because it's not safe. You know she'll still hurt you. That doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't make you unforgiving.

I believe that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. No amount of hatred or unforgiveness will heal what she did. There's nothing that she could do now that can make it up to you. I think "letting go" is accepting the idea that the damage can't be undone.

That's the bad news. There is hurt in your life. There is work that you have to do that she created for you. And as unfair as that is, to fail to do it only hurts you more. I say this from experience.

But letting go of the desire to make her pay for what she did, and/or the desire to have her "make it up to you" (what could she possibly do that would accomplish that?), does not mean that you have to trust her or pretend that there was never a problem. It may also mean that you will have to grieve the loss of the mother you wish you'd had or you wish she would be. She may never change. You can't hang your future, happiness, or peace of mind on her ability to be who she should be.

I used to think it was so unfair that God would require me to forgive someone who wouldn't change. But now I know that that's the only way I can be free. It's great when forgiveness can restore a relationship, but both people have to be willing and capable of having a healthy relationship. When that's not possible, at least our ability to be happy is not bound to someone else's refusal to change. That would be unfair.

You need support. Someone above mentioned confronting her, and that may need to happen, but not until you have a good support system you can trust. You need people you can turn to when she tries to guilt you or bully you. You may very well need a good therapist to help you set better boundaries and to help you take on the responsibility for making the kind of life you want instead of living a life reacting to what happened in the past.

One of the best books I've ever read is "Boundaries Face To Face" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend - both Christian psychologists. "The Mom Factor" may be really helpful to you as well.

I hope that you'll seek some help with this. It's overwhelming to do it alone. The only thing worse than having been abused as a child is letting that abuse haunt you the rest of your life. Don't let the guilt and fear immobilize you. It's perfectly normal if you have trouble trusting other people or asking for help. Ask anyway. That will be part of your healing. You're not a burden. It's okay to need other people, just make sure they are "safe" people.

I also firmly believe that we don't have to know how to forgive or move on in order to do it, and I don't believe we should fake it. I think the key is being willing to move on. On the days you feel guilty, tell God that you don't feel forgiving, but that you're willing to forgive. God can do great things with our willingness.

Also, remember that forgiveness (especially for something this pervasive) is a process, not a one time event. It's normal to still struggle a bit even after making the decision that it is your will and intention to forgive. Just persevere, and get help and support when you need it.

May God bless you and heal you.

Answer 3

Turning the other cheek may be the Christian thing to do, but wouldn't it be even better to not give them the opportunity to strike in the first place? It's not your fault she abuses you, but you DO have a choice about letting her into your life. You're an adult, and it would be prefectly reasonable and healthy to cut off communication with her, or anyone else who presents such a toxic force in your life. Perhaps the kindest and most loving thing you can do for both of you is to remove her from your life (as least for a few years). She'll learn that her negative actions carry consequences, and you'll learn to rebuild your soul and to deal with the understandable hate and anger you feel towards her.
Talk it over with your spiritual advisor and your doctor/therapist, and just suggest my idea to them, and see what they think about it.

Answer 4

As a believer, you are stuck with the command to forgive. It's a mandatory issue and not one you can get out of. Forgiveness is by no means Forgetfulness. The Bible tells you to forgive, but it dang sure don't tell you to forget. Go ahead and forgive her for what she did to you, but don't forget. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Don't let anybody or anything make you feel guilty for not nominating her for mother of the year. What she did to you was wrong. She has to own that not you. You fulfill your obligation when you forgive. God wouldn't want you to put yourself back in a situation where she could do that to you again so never forget what she did. You have every right to demand that your mother treat you with respect now. Try to have a relationship with her but at any point in time that she tries to abuse you either physically or mentally, you have the right to refuse. She's only as powerful over you as you let her be. Until you can deal with the forgiveness/guilt/forgetting issue, she'll always have something over you. I'm sorry and I wish you the best.

Answer 5

Greetings Friend,

Although I am not sure exactly what you mean by abusive, I can say that I have been beaten physically by my mother and I was verbally assulted daily. However, having said that, I do not blame my mom. She did the best she could considering her own upbringing, emotional maturity, and mental state.

Now to address your question of how to deal with your mom, I believe you already know how. Yes, you have certain feelings. You may label these feelings good or bad but they are just feelings. One of the most helpful things I can say to you is to allow it to be okay to have your feelings. Notice them. The truth is you are not your feelings. In fact, you are not this concept of who you think has been hurt by this concept of a person you label as your mom. These are just identies that you made about who you think you are and who you think "your mom" is. They are not real.

Let's be honest. It is no longer your mom abusing you. Now you are abusing yourself. Everytime you let your buttons get pushed remember, they are your buttons. Stephen Covey says, "The way we see the problem is the problem." Could it be that you need your mom to be the person you think she is so that you can be the person you think you are i.e. the Victim?

My dear friend, we do not see the world how it is. We see the world how we are. So, ask yourself is this the way you want to see the world? If not, work on a new way of seeing it.

You say you are a Christian and I believe you. So, could you see your mom as some one worthy of Christ? And, if she is not, is anyone? See Beloved, we so often think that we are so much different than some one else, but are we? Haven't we all failed? Don't we all need grace? Is anyone worthy? My Beloved, I am no different than you. I feel your pain. I am there with you, but I do not look at you as different. You are me. You are loved by our Father, so is your mom. She did the best she could at her level of understanding. Does this make your pain any less real? Of course not! But, maybe this understanding will help you to see your mom with a little more compassion. You are free Beloved. You are free to see yourself however you want to see yourself. You are free to see your mom however you want to see your mom. The choice is yours. This means you could be free to have peace instead of pain. What do you choose?

There are many resources available to help you to work on your perception. Here are just a few ideas: A Course In Miracles, free newsletter Connections found at GetConnectedToGod.com, Radiant Mind Course, soulprogress.com.

Good luck Beloved

Answer 6

Im agnostic and have nothing to offer from the biblical sense but heres my take on a humanistic aspect of it...from someone who has been there done that.

Let it go because the only person it hurts to carry that anger is yourself. It consumes you and before you know it your are modeling other relationships from the aspect of this hatred and untrust you have in your mother.

Dont ask for an explanation because nothing will be good enough in your eyes and will only continue to open more wounds.

Answer 7

yes i also have been through that, for many years everytime i got close to my mother it seems that something would happen and it would renew all my pain, no matter how many times i thought i had forgiven,

finally one day i realized that if i don't really forgive her that i will never have peace within myself, so i started praying and telling God that i know i should forgive even if she don't change or ask for forgiveness just so that i will have peace - being obedient to God, so i asked God to help me forgive,

it didn't happen over night, there was too much pain for that, but eventually i did start to feel more peace about it,

my peace left a sort of wall up so that she can't hurt me anymore, and any conversations i have with her is limited cause i no longer trust her with my heart,

i did tell her exactly how i felt about her during the first part of that time while i was trying to get peace, i told her how she failed me as a mother, and how bad i had wanted her love but never got it, ,,,,,,,, everything that i had bottled up inside i let out and told her all of it,,,,,,,,

i believe that had a great deal to do with me gaining peace,
so confession is good for the soul,
holding the pain in is not good,

so yes i suggest you tell her exactly how you feel, don't leave out anything, if you try to do it on the phone and she hangs up, then you may have to do it in her face, but for your peace you have to know that she did hear all of it,

then let her deal with the facts,
and then give your relationship with her lots of time and space, don't talk to her for awhile, don't visit her for awhile, let it sink in,

then after you start feeling peace from forgiveness, when you feel strong enough to deal with her, only then try again to have contact, but make it limited, so that you can't be hurt again,

if things seems to be going back into that old way, then just leave, let her know that you are through with all that, don't let them get to you again,

i hope this helps

Answer 8

EVERY WEEK. Be patient, as patient as you can muster. Talk to someone about the issues you're going through and how to better deal with her... I'm atheist/Buddhist, but I still believe in conducting myself in a respectful manner toward her, even though I require a hearty dose of Ativan to get through it.

In Buddhism we learn about understanding the causes and conditions that create the environment/mind of anyone for anything... and sometimes that helps, when I think what made HER upset enough to take things out on me.

_()_

Answer 9

God wants us to forgive, no matter how much wrong was done to us. That way we can move on. It will take a lot to forgive her, and it's going to be only through the strength of God that you will be able to do so. I would advise getting into an all woman's Bible study to get some support through this matter, because you will need it.

Once you can forgive, you can get past it.. until you forgive, you will not be able to get past it. Let God give you the strength. Be honest with your feeling to your mother. Tell her about all the hurt you have felt and still feel. Then you must learn to forgive.

I will be praying for you! God with give you the strength!

Answer 10

I was physically abused by my father, and it took me years to forgive him. The only way that I was able to forgive him was when I learned his life story, that he had suffered abuse as a child, discrimination as a teenager, survived atrocities in the Vietnam War. When I learned his story, I then saw him as a wounded person with whom I could empathize. I later learned that he made many sacrifices for me as well... too many to list here. The good outweighed the bad, and I was able to forgive. I am glad I did.

You need to learn more about your mother. Put yourself in her shoes. You will be surprised about what you learn about her.