A friends daughter is out of control... what are options?

Question

A friend of mine just read messages from MySpace that her 14 yr old step-daughter sent on my friends home computer last night. Her step-daughter said she had drunk, faded and had sex with a 19yr old homeless boy in the bushes at some party in the woods. She said in the messages, that she didn't give a F--K and has recently been kicked out of HS. I want to give some good advice, but I am a single woman... with no kids. I say tell the parents and give tough love. But both the biological parents are "head in the sand" kind of people. And my friend is going crazy thrying to help. She feels out of control and doesn't want to be the one to step in. But I think she has to.
What can they do with this young lady? Where can they send her?

Answer 1

Not a parent, but maybe printing out the messages and showing the biological parents what they are letting happen with their "heads in the sand", maybe it will wake them up. What 14 yr old should be doing anything like that or talking that way? These kind of parents are the reason why kids are the way they are today. I am 26 and have a 13 yr old sister and if she were to EVER act that way or even try to she'd be on house arrest (and that's putting it lightly, I'm sure) because my parents don't put up with the bull. Of course, she never would because she was raised better than that and as much as I hated being grounded (never for anything quite like that) in HS I am glad they are the way they are! Also, there are schools they can be sent to but they are very expensive.

Answer 2

Sometimes kids need their step parents just as much as they need their parents. Since the step parent is the one who saw the messages, I would say that it's her responsibility to talk with her step daughter. I think that if she went directly to the parents, she would alienate the child and possibly the parents. The step parent here has an incredible opportunity to befriend her step daughter and possibly help her tremendously with her self esteem and her self worth. Tough love is fine, but something tells me that this young girl needs some nurturing love, some understanding love and not tough love. Not yet. Sending this young girl anywhere but into the arms of someone who genuinely cares for her, I think would be a mistake right now. Too many times it's easier for the parent or the caretaker to farm the kid out to someone else. This should be done as a last resort. If this step parent has the courage and the patience, an act of sincere love, kindness and understanding could be the most important thing she will ever do for anyone,especially this girl who is her step daughter.
I am so happy that I was able to intervene in my own step-children's lives. They are much older now and I am still receiving their gratitude. I just jumped into their lives as best I knew how, not having any prior experience. I used my intuition and my heart as my guide.

Answer 3

It sounds like the girl needs some serious counseling. Since it's your friend's step-daughter, she should talk some sense into her husband and the girl's mom (her husband's ex). Tell her to print off the messages so that they can see in black and white what their daughter is doing. Dr. Phil always says the step-parent cannot be the main disciplinarian. They could send her to an alternative school. First step would be to remove the computer from the kid's room (if that's where it is) and put it somewhere where she can be monitored. My kids aren't to the rebellion age yet, so this is the best advice I can give.

Answer 4

First, it's her father and mother who needs to speak to her. If mom is not that involved, then dad will have to do it. Also, in matters of sex, fathers have a better impact on delivering 'truth' so to speak to daughters. Unless of course, he's abusive or an addict.

Second, the girl is 14. Where was mom and step-dad, or your friend and her husband when she was off partying? Most of these things happen in the evening. Doesn't anyone go meet the family of her friends to see if they are acceptable? Do they use drugs or drink alcohol a little too much, and/or how much are they available in the home when their kids are out of school? The parents' character molds much of what is to be expected from their children. Think about it.

As for this young lady, they need to first send her to a doctor and get tested for pregnancy, STD, Hep C, and HIV. I'm surprised no one had said this yet. Second, keep the school out of it. It's not their concern. They are school counselors, nor behavioral counselors (different training). School counselors focus on careers, though they are available to kids for other reasons, but it doesn't address the young lady's issues. Plus, she was kicked out of HS, from what she reports. Hence, the girl needs a real therapist (master's level+ counselor) to see at least 1x/week. Since she is only 14 and in light of her behaviors, she shows classic signs of a mood disorder, possibly onset of Bipolar Disorder. So, she'll need to see a Psychiatrist that specializes with adolescents. Also, mom and dad need to participate in family counseling together, or at least the parents who are mainly raising this girl, where eventually the daughter can join them in family counseling. Eventually all of them should be in separate group counseling/support groups--one for the parents and the other for peers. As for school, the parents should look into area charter schools where they are more active with 'hands-on' learning. This is important so that she has a fresh start at a different school where curriculum engages kids more so that she is not chained to a desk where she is likely to preseverate on things upsetting. If she's in a school that is largely practical based with sciences, history, or maybe in the arts, it will keep her mind focused on more healthy outlets. Finally, take her to church. If your friend doesn't attend, then she and her husband should talk with their daughter and plan to search for a church together where there are active teen ministries.

If your friend lives in the Phx area, look up The Anazasi Foundation. They offer summer and school-year wilderness programs for children and adolescences. It allows the child time to separate themselves from the craziness going on around them and quiets the thoughts some. They take kids on a sort of Vision Quest into the wilderness in Northern Arizona, which gives them the opportunity to learn self-sufficiency, teamwork, leadership, and especially, time to heal.

Answer 5

tough love is def. need she needs to step in the kid is only 14 and is kicked out of high school she needs some kind of help. i would take away the myspace and keep a better eye on her dont let her go to parties and make sure she doesnt sneak out. if you keep a good eye on her and you explain that this is sooo not what should be happening to a 14yr old hopefully it will work

Answer 6

That's a tough one.

I'm a parent..but only of a 5 and 2 year old.

The "head in the sand" method doesn't work if you are raising kids. You have to be there for them when they need help. It seems like this girl is screaming out for help and attention. And she's getting the attention she wants just in a negative manner.
She needs boundries and I totally agree with the "though love" my parents did it to me and I thanked them for it years later. Although it will be hard at first for them...if they stick throuh it there may be a light at the end of their tunnel.

Answer 7

Its sad that both biological parents don't want to be PARENTS! and maybe this is the reason of her being this way. How about if you or your friend talk to the school counselor? eventhought she has been kick out of school, she has to be order to go to a continuation school!!! if things come to worse I would call the child service and talk to somebody about your concerns, you could also talk to your local police department and show them the message she posted, now in days the police department is taking very serious this type of postings! specially in MYSPACE!
Good luck!

Answer 8

see if there is a "scared straight" program in her city. If there isn't one, you can always take on the Maury Povich show. Don't take this as sarcasm. Maury Povich has segments where parents bring the out of control teens on the show, have special guest speakers to give them a reality check. Here's their website:

http://www.mauryshow.com/

Answer 9

Sounds like little girl needs to sit through an AA meeting, go to a jail, work at a shelter, and perhaps depending on attitude...go to a brat camp, oh yeah and get on b/c if she's not lying.

Answer 10

What a brat!! She does need some boot camp. If they don't do something, they will be grandparents by the time she is 16. Do you think she would be a good role model. Send her butt packin!!