My grand daughter's mother became a drug addict while pregnant with my grand daughter. For obvious reasons,

Question

my son has custody. The mother is now in prison for what I think was a crime committed to get money for drugs. She has written a tear-jerking letter to my son asking him to have her daughter be her pen pal while she is in prison. My grand daughter is 9 years old, and termed by her teacher to be emotionally and academically immature. My son has asked me what I thought. I spend a lot of time working with my grand daughter to help her catch up on school work, learn music, etc. I'm not inclined to let her correspond with a mother who chose drugs over her. Am I wrong?

Answer 1

I don't think you are wrong at all. My mother is also a drug addict. I was raised by my grandparents and would have been much better off if my mother were never in my life. She only caused hurt. I think you should keep the child's mother posted on her activities. Maybe send her a picture now and again, but I wouldn't allow contact with her daughter.

Answer 2

Tell the mother that you think that it would be best for your granddaughter to concentrate on getting better both mentally and physically right now. Tell her that if she gets out and straightens up her life, you will reconsider her request. Make sure that you keep a copy of this letter for your granddaughter. The mother may say tell the child horrible things about you and your son later on. Keep copies of all correspondence to show your granddaughter exactly what was said, and what the actual intentions were, rather than let her mother corrupt her mind later in life. I would include in that letter a mention that you are sending a recent picture of the child and some of her art work. This way the child will feel that you have not mistreated her mother.

Answer 3

I would say let your grand baby decide but in seeing she is unable to, you have had to make the best decision you could for her. I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, are you not inclined because of the mistake she made 9 years ago? or are you not inclined because you fear the safety and well being of your granddaughter? People can change, they can realize where they went wrong and they do deserve a second chance in most instances and you really need to consider the way your granddaughter will feel about this when she gets old enough to really grasp the situation... however if your decision is based on current events, all you can do is go with instinct.

Answer 4

You are absolutely right. This child is too young to handle the emotions of dealing with a drug addict mother, or the stigma that is attached to that fact.

She should be protected till she reaches the age of ASKING FOR CONTACT. That will probably happen about 12-16 years of age. Until she asks for it, do not 'force' contact with what will be a difficult situation for her.

Tell her DAD, that I dated a guy with the same situation, and not till the mother was released, was she allowed to 'see or speak' to his daughter. The child was 8 when that happened, at the daughter's request, not the Newly pregnant mother's. Her mother never saw her past 2 weeks old.
She is ADD, has controlling issues and very mature--too much so, due to the drugs her mom used the whole nine months. She is on 20mg of Adderol, when most kids are on 5mg.

It is not like your granddaughter had memories of her mom, so leave her in bliss, till she notifies that she has the desire.

God Bless.

Answer 5

Sometimes, that's the way things are. Personally, if I decided to get a tattoo, I would make sure that it is meaningful. Piercings are generally less of a risk, because you can always take it out and liet it grow in later if you don't like it. I can understand her getting mad if you try to talk to her, because she feels that you are attacking her. If someone she loves and trusts is telling her that what she is doing is irresponsible, she will immediately get defensive and think that you are not supporting her. Part of the adolescent brain doesn't fully develop until you are 22-24 years old - the moral, logical and reasoning part, located in the frontal portion of the cerebral cortex. While you understand the risk of what she is doing, she doesn't. She also cannot effectively predict the outcome of her actions. My adivce to you is support, care and love her the exact same as you have been doing. Explain to her that you are worried about her. Don't try to reason with her, because to her, that won't make sense. Explain that you are only worried about her, and you have her best interests in mind. I know that it might be difficult, but give it a try. Hope this helps!

Answer 6

well every person learns from every mistake.. and if you feel as though this woman has gone through enough to make her understand what shes done is wrong then its ok..but of course your right! she made the worse decision a mother could ever make.. BUT a child should know who are theyre parents.. if you feel it isnt the time for your grand daughter to face the facts of her mother and what she has done then its not a crime to wait for the child to mature and tell her when your sure she understands... but you do have to tell her... as of now i think you should hold back on the visits because i dont think its right to tramatize a child in such a manor especially if the child is special.. one thing that you CAN NOT do is tell your grand daughter bad stories of her mother.. because that may affect the girl in a bad way... just wait and let time take its course the time will come where allt he stories and crimes will be uncovered..just be patient

good luck!
feel free to ask any questions please because i have had a similar situation
♥jasmin

Answer 7

Your grand daughter is not ready to correspond with her mother yet. Sounds like she wouldn't understand the reality of the situation yet. I hope she's getting out side of school counseling if not get it for her before she follows in her mothers foot steps. The counselor should give you the advice you need. There are many free facilities in all states who help kids with mental health issues. Check with her doctor for a recommendation..

Answer 8

Very soon your granddaughter will make this decision for herself. Maximize your relationship with her by becoming the neutral party. Allow mom to write to you with the understanding that you want a healthy relationship between her and her daughter. Ultimately that is what you want. Tell her you will share whatever of the letters with her daughter that she is capable of understanding, grasping and is emotionally supportive. The best thing you can do is to help this along.

Answer 9

First of all, I can tell you don't have much of a relationship with your daughter in law..or whatever you call her... the granddaughter's mother... that is about as warm and cozy as what I am called... the stepmother.... or their dad's wife! ;0)
I do understand more than you know about the need and desire to protect the young from the crimes and sins of the family members who are connected to them... my biological father is a prison graduate for crimes comitted in his past!
The granddaughter is very young and should be talked to about her mother and let her make a valid choice...even at her young age, she should be able to know whether or not she wants to communicate with her mother! It might be good for both of them to be able to "talk" about what has happened! Whatever you do, don't try to influence or sway her decision for her... it should be her choice completely!
I chose for my kids to never know about their grandfather, I was so busy protecting them from him... and now they have asked about meeting him.. I haven't seen him for over 25 years and don't really know if I want to, but should I still control what my children want to do? Yes, there is a difference because my children are now adults... but your granddaughter will be someday and want to know what happened with her mother! I promise you that what you do now will make a huge difference later on in her life! We can make alot of choices for these children in the name of their best interest and protection... but what happens when they hold us accountable for it later on? Good luck to you all!

Answer 10

know your not wrong and you or your son let her be"pen pals"that would be wrong giving your grand daughter's emotional problems the girl 's mother may say something that would set her back or worse