complicated family issues with 20 mth old?

Question

My son is 20 months. We have a nice little family, My boyfriend of almost 3 years, his 4 yr. old son from a previous relationship, and us. The 4 year old calls me mom, he does not see his bio mom (her choice) and my 20 month old calls my boyfriend daddy. He is the only daddy he has known.
It works, and we like it.
Sorry, this parts a little complicated to explain...
My son's biological father's ex wants my son to get to know her 5 yr old daughter( my son's bio sister) and I don't know if I should.
Bio dad does not want to be a part of my son's life, which is fine, because he has a daddy.
I don't want to overly complicate my son's life, it will be hard enough to explain when he is ready, and I really don't like this woman, but I don't know what to do.
How should I handle this?
Would I be a bad person to keep his sister from him for now, or should I let him get to know her?

Answer 1

I meet my Fiance when i was almost 4 months pregnant. He was there for the birth and he gave my son his last name. My son's (bio dad) has nothing to do with him. However his family wants to be part of his life and he also has siblings (from his bio dads side). I dont feel bad that there not part of the picture. Besides there not the type of people i want around him anyway. There wild and drunk and high all the time, plus it would be to compicated to explain to him growing up. If your son isn't missing out on wonderful people who are gonna help bring him up to be an awsome gentlemen someday. SCREW them keep your family as is he'll understand when he's older.

Answer 2

I think you already answered it. You dont want to. Your not a bad person, your a good mommy.
If you want you son to know his sister here is my suggestion.
You could try keeping a general correspondance with your bio's ex. as in "do you still live at this address?" When the kids are old enough to want to know where they come from and if they have relatives they will be able to make up their own minds at that time, they wont hate you for any of it.
Besides you probably dont like her for a good reason, and who know's who she going out with....you did say bio's ex right?
Just tell her exactly how you feel in the most loving way. Like " I dont want to complicate my sons life" I dont think it's a good Idea right now" or maybe you can develope an aquaitance with her so that you can get to know her better.
Your doing the right thing
Good luck!

Answer 3

My god that is a tough question. Here's a suggestion that may help you find a good solution.

First: don't lie- always be honest. When your son starts understanding what it means to be a brother/sister- show him pictures of his half sister. Tell him that she is a half sister but doesn't live with you. Leave it at that. If he asks why just tell him that she is part of a different family and she lives with her own mommy and daddy.
When he gets old enough and starts asking to meet her, then you can arrange something with her parents. As a parent I think you should educate your son on the situation (with as much or little detail as you see fit) and when he shows interest on his own, set up visitation with his half sister.

There is no reason to force visitation. If you raise your son to think it's perfectly OK for him to know he has a half sister who he doesn't see, then you shouldn't run into any problems. Alternatively, you cannot keep her from him if he wants to meet her and play with her.

As for the other mother, just be upfront and keep it simple. Tell her you don't want to at this time. It's not your responsability to give details. If she keeps bugging you about it tell her that she's harassing you and that harassment is not acceptable- it won't get her what she wants.

Good luck. And remember- just look at the bigger picture. Go by the old addage- "If it ain't broke don't fix it." If your family is functioning well- do what you can to preserve that. I don't see your son benefitting enough from seeing his half sister to warrant the risk of disrupting your happy little family.

Answer 4

It is a very tough call. I have a six yo son who we adopted. No matter what, he is my son. Today society has many forms of how children are related and become families. You express the strength of your family and I applaud you for that. We must remember that kids minds do not take things into there minds as adults do. My son takes difficult values like this at face value, and they have unconditional love. What makes it tough is when adults get involved and we become jealous, fearful, or bitter about life. We have never met my sones birthmother and father, we have sent them letters, know they are together, and that he has a full sister that lives with them that is a year and a half older. I feel we have no right to hold back from him the knowledge that he has a total of 5 other brothers or sisters. He has a picture in his room of his birthmother and his full sister. We hope that one day he will get the opportunity to meet his full sister. He has not pitted us against his birthmother, he does not question why his birthmom is not his mom. He chooses me to be his dad, and my wife his mom. By letting him know his sister, you can put your fears aside that they will lvoe you any less. It is obvious that this is more about how the adults get along and play, not how the child will react. They will find their own unconditional love. Keeping them apart only makes explaining the situation just that much harder in life. You will be amazed how things just gel on their own between them with out having to make life difficult and don't have nearly as many why question if you explain now instead of answering even harder why questions the older they get.
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Answer 5

I think it would be okay. You'll still have your little nuclear "real family" -- the people who choose to be there for each other. That doesn't have to change.

Especially, if you don't start trying to refer to your son's biological father as "Daddy" when "Daddy" is clearly the man you're living with now, I don't think it would be a problem to allow him to have a relationship with his biological sister.

You're getting a lot of "don't do it because your little foursome is happy right now" and I gotta tell you, if your intention has been to allow your son to believe the man you're with right now is his "real" father, I don't know of very many adults who have appreciated finding out later in life accidentally or because someone decided to finally tell them the truth that the man they thought was their "father" wasn't. And true, if you allow him to have this relationship with his sister, you will eventually have to explain how she's his sister without really having anything to do with his "father". But I don't think you should make this decision based on how long you can let your son believe the man he knows now is his biological father.

Personally, I think that if you allow him to know his sister, it could make the revealing of the truth (who his biological father is) more natural. For now, I REALLY think she can be "sister" without having to give an explanation. As he gets a little older, he'll want an explanation, and then you can fairly easily go into the explanation that his biological dad is so-and-so but that his Daddy, the man who cared for him growing up, and his brother, love him very much and the four of you have a special family. You can then explain that his sister is a different kind of family, she's biological family, but she's special and loves him, too.

At this point, hearing that he has a sister isn't going to mean he thinks she's part of the nuclear family, because I'm betting he's not really sure what "sister" means yet.

It's complicated, because there are different terms and names and an extraordinary number of exes, but basically, he's little, and at an age when family can be given any definition and he'll be okay, because that's what he understands as normal.

This is just an example, but I have two sisters, who are married. Up until a month ago, I had two kids, and each of my sisters had one child. My kids swore that Daylen and Ashlyn (my nephew from one sister and niece from the other) were brother and sister. Now, keep in mind, my kids knew Daylen belonged with Aunt Jessie and her husband, and they knew Ashlyn belonged with Aunt Becca and her husband. They realized they did not share ANY parents. But they thought they were brother and sister. In their minds, it made sense that they were siblings. If a five-year-old can convince himself that two children who share no parents and do not live together can be siblings, I think your son will be able to know that he has a sister that is separate from "his family." For the time being, you don't even have to explain to him that there is another "dad" or anything. She's just his sister. Eventually, you'll have to explain it, but I think you'd need to explain it anyway. But, yeah, I think it would work that he could know right now that he has a sister and understand the more complex issues later.

At his age, "family" is his perception. You have kids who are raised in any number of various "family" types, and they all believe their family is pretty normal, or at least not confusing, because that's what their perception of "family" is.

Answer 6

Well, dear, at this point the relationship will mean nothing to the baby. But the little girl is old enough to understand.

Tell the Mommy that since your son is a baby, it would be ok for the little girl to come for a playdate on Saturday afternoons for a couple of hours. She can drop her off and pick her up. You don't have to interact with her other than to say, "Well, that went well." or whatever.

Answer 7

i had a similar situation. my ex husband had a daughter before we got together that the girl wouldn't let him see. when his daughter turned 5 (after i'd had two) she suddenly decided she wanted my ex to be a part of her life and decided she wanted my kids to get to know her daughter (this girl and i used to HATE each other she used to harass me by calling my house all hours of the night and even keyed my car) i decided to let them get to know each other but didnt really overly explain things to the kids. we just said it's your half sister and they were just kind of like whatever. it didn't really affect them either way and before that they didn't know she existed. my son has a mood disorder and it didn't even bother him. i figured if anything she was more like a new playmate. at your son's young age he wouldn't really understand it even if you did explain it. all though i think it's odd being that the dad doesn't see your son that she would care. but i can see where she was coming from. you also don't want your son to grow up then find out he has a sibling he never knew about and be mad at your for it. i always remember what my mom's friend said about her mother who kept her from her father cause he was an asshole. she simply said 'i understand he's an asshole i just wish my mother would have let me figure that out for myself instead of making that decision for me' so i feel like it fits most family situations in the long run it should be up to your son and he has the right to know his sister and i don't see where it would hurt him especially if you don't try to over explain things. just kind of let them play together and 'be friends' so i would say go for it if you see anything you don't like or think it's affecting your son then stop letting them spend time with each other. maybe your son's father will even change his mind and take a little more of a part in his life. either way best of luck!

Answer 8

As the old saying goes ~ if it's not broken don't fix it.

It's sounds like you & your B/F have really got one heck of a happy family brewing there, & I don't see any point in added anyone else to the mix. Wait until your baby gets old enough to understand all of the math that comes into play when you have half & step siblings. No point in having your child bond with some woman & her child (even if they share DNA) just because it sounds like a good idea to her.

Answer 9

Very heavy issue... I would say that it would be pretty unfair to your son to get to know his sister, but not his biological father. When he will grows older, he will be able to understand more and for his bio. dad not to take an active role as family could be emotionally detrimental. Do you understand what I mean??

Answer 10

So,enable him run around bare, fill him up on junk foodstuff and sugary liquids (makes him pee and champagne extra) and enable him take a seat backwards on the super potty. what's it gonna harm? Be sturdy and don't pass back, get him pull united statesfor bedtime. Have him take his diapers and throw them interior the trash and tell him that he's a extensive boy now!!!