Talking to step-daughter about her mom....?

Question

Here is my current living situation: Married, 2 kids; one a biological toddler and a 9 yr. old step daughter who shares 50/50 custody between our house and her mom's house.

My problem is that my step daughter doesn't get enough attention from her mom and feels like she should get extra attention here when she comes over. When she's here she feels like it's her turn and that her little sister should be put on the back burner.
My husband and I both do one/one activities with our 9yr old but we cannot favor her the entire time she is over here. My husband and I have a hard time just having a conversation without her needing to be a part of or we can't give our toddler attention without my step daughter getting jealous.
My husband and I treat both the girls equally and won't favor one over the other. How should I explain to my step daughter that she is getting upset because her mom blows her off? I don't want to make her feel bad but she needs to understand the situation.

I think it really bothers my step daughter that she isn't getting what she needs from her mom. I want her to get what she needs from her mom because she can't get it anywhere else. I feel that it is important to let my step daughter understand what's going on so she can see that her jealous behavior that she gets called out on isn't a result of her being a bad kid but not getting what she needs from her mom. I really want her to tell her mom how she feels. If we never address the problem, then who will?

Answer 1

She's 9. She doesn't need to "understand" the situation because explaining it to her won't help. She needs discipline. When she throws her little temper tantrum she needs a time out or some privilege taken away. Acting out should never be acceptable.

Answer 2

I don't think blame has a place here. Your husband & you need to sit your 9 year old down & set some rules. Explain that you understand that when at her mom she's an only child & that's it hard having to share you guys with a new baby. Let her know that even though you love her just as much as the new baby, the baby still has more needs & you can't not ignore those needs because she wants all of the attention. Acknowledge the fact that the rules at dad's are different then while at mom's house & that you understand that making the adjustment between houses is hard on her. But also make it clear that she needs to be respectful of others & their feelings & that when adults are having an adult conversation interuptions are not exceptable & will not be tolerated.

Answer 3

Never, never tell her that her mom blows her off, even if she does. This would hurt her. She doesn't need to understand any situation about her mother. She just needs discipline (teach her how to act). She should not be favored. She should have attention and she should be taught that the baby needs attention also. As well as you and your husband.

Give her some responsibilities like helping to prepare dinner or helping with the baby's meal or helping to dress her. Make her feel important.

Welcome to the world of sibling rivalry. This little girl is acting normal. You must set limits for her. When you and your husband are trying to talk, tell her that she must wait her turn. You will need to do this with your other child too very soon.

If these two little girls were both yours, she would be acting the same way. Children want attention you must teach her with love and firmness.

When step parents and step children are in the picture, there is always a little bit of jealousy. She is having to share her daddy and you are having to share your husband. You knew he had a child when you married him so, you are the one who needs to realize. You are the adult.

Answer 4

I am a step-mother of 2 children 8, and 10, and a mother of 2 children of my own. The WORST thing you can do is talk to the child about her mom. You need to go to HER mother with your husband and have a conversation. Being a mother is a full time job! Just don't bring the child in the middle of the situation, it isn't fair to her.
But on the other hand, it's not fair to you, that she is interupting you and your husband either. She is old enough to understand that you aren't going to favor 1 over the other. Maybe do a board game, something that will involve ALL of you. Good luck, it's hard being a step parent.

Answer 5

Don't tell her the situation. She's too young and does not need that on her shoulders. All children are like this... and it may not be, because her mother is blowing her off. My sister and her husband have 2 children together. One of her sons is 7 and the other one is 1. The 7 year old behaves exactly the way you are explaining your step daughter. They have been the only one for so long, I think it's hard to see their parents sharing their attention and affection on another child when they're used to getting all of it. Just work with her on that. You and your husband both. And it's great that you guys do one on one things with her. She needs that right now.

Answer 6

Don't down her mother to her. It will only make you look bad in the long run. Wait for the toddler to go to bed and then spend some special time with the 9 year old doing older things. While the toddler is awake make sure you spend time doing things as a family.

The conversations that she is butting into. That's normal for a 9 year old (been through it twice). They feel like they are bigger now and should be in on everything. Don't worry this will pass.

Just give her a lot of understanding and love and I wouldn't tell her, her mother is blowing her off. that would only ruin your relationship in the long run.

Answer 7

Explain to her that you need to share the attention equally between both of them she shouldn't get all the attention because she is the oldest and the the toddler shouldn't get all the attention either. Just be very careful when talking to her don't talk bad about her mom that is the worst thing you can do. Good luck.

Answer 8

I think it's probably best to have your husband talk to her mom, to make sure that that is the real reason she's having trouble not being the center of attention. It could be that she gets TOO much attention there, and thinks she will get it all the time.

If you are correct and that IS the case, you can tell her that every other weekend the two of you will take her somewhere special alone (the park, the movies, etc), but when everyone's home together, that everyone needs to be treated equally.

Answer 9

All children are different. They cannot be treated as equals and all the same. Your stepdaughter (your husbands daughter) is special and as much a part of the family as the other kids. Stop making a big deal out of this. It is almost like I can hear your husband saying "she is just like her mother" Get a pizza and everyone orders the topping they want, and if she wants everything on hers-so be it.

Answer 10

Don't say anything to your step daughter about her mother that she'd find offensive. It's not worth it.

Try to sit down and talk to her about how much time you both spend with her and her sister. Ask her what she thinks is fair and go off that. Explain why or why not you can or can't do what she requests. If it continues, remind her about what you talked about.

She's stuck in a difficult spot being a child of divorce. Try to be patient and bite your tongue when you want to say negative things about her mother. Save it and vent to your husband when you two are alone.
Good Luck ,it's also hard to be the step mom.

Answer 11

I would not try to say her mom blows her off, even if she does, its a natural reaction to feel defensive about your parents, good or not.
What you do tell her is that you and your husband have a right to a conversation, without her butting in and that even though you love her also, her sister has a right to the spotlight so to speak.
My oldest daughter does the same thing some times and she lives with her biological mother and father, and also tries for the attention above her younger sister. I think part of it is natural, they strive for attention and the youngest seems to fall back on their own. We do not allow it, and she has been loved equally also, sometimes I think it is their personalities, my oldest is very outgoing and loves to be social, they just have to learn the appropriate times for it. While my youngest is more shy and tends to follow her sister.