How do I teach my step-daughter to STOP STEALING!?

Question

Once again my step-daughter has stolen from us. She's 11, almost 12. Her Mom never blames her, and if we punish her, her mother punishes her older sister "for not stopping her" or else she says that her older sister did it and framed her just so she'd get in trouble, since they don't get along very well. I'm just the stepmom, and she doesn't live with us so her Dad's hands are somewhat tied as well because wouldn't her mother have to approve any kind of professional help since she has primary custody of her? I just want to help her before she ends up in juvenile hall or worse! :( Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

Answer 1

You must get her dad involved. As her father, he needs to step up to the plate. It's his daughter, if I were you, I'd not get to involved, just protect yourself, or should I say your stuff. Don't make the mistake other step moms (mostly ones on this site) make by trying to be an authority figure. It's sad if your husband, and his ex can't pull it together enough for the sake of the child, but there's not much you can do about it.

Answer 2

This might sound silly but have you tried talking to the little girl. It is obvious that she is crying out for attention. A child does not differentiate between good and bad attention. When I was her age I did the same thing. A lot of things were going on in my house at the time and I didn't feel as close to my Father as we once were,. So I would steal stupid stuff nothing big but big enough so it was noticed then of course my Father would get mad at me and yell and fuss but I felt at the time hey at least he is paying attention to me now., If the Mother is being vindictive towards the older daughter I wouldn't mention these stealing sprees with her, There is a problem right there. You say that you are just the Step-Mom being a step mom is a lot harder than being a mom. You don't get to start from scratch and you are all the sudden in the thick of it. When your step children are in your home you have to set the rules. You and your husband have to show a united front on these rules. If the Mother won't help you I suggest that the Father revisit the custody issue in court. Good luck to you and your family,

Answer 3

Here's what i think.......... first of all your step-daugter does not seem to be a kleptomaniac. She does not steal because she connot help herself but rather to get somebody's attention. Her sister's to be frank. it seem to me that since she's always putting the blame on her sister and also realize that her sister is always being punished for her wrongdoing, that she strives on this.you said that they do not have a good relationship, that this is where the solution lies.

I think you should focus your attention on building a positive relationship between the two. How about having a girls night just for the three of you? Go to a movie, the park even the zoo. Complement each girl every time they do something good for each other. Get them a treat if you must. I think your younger step daughter just needs her sister. Put them in situations where they have to rely on each other.

Also demonstrate positive ways of how she can get the things she wants. Give her alternatives. "Hello Jane, that candy looks pretty good, may i have a piece please". Show her the right way of getting what she wants. Another question,does she steals things that she does not need? if she does then you can bet she just needs more attention.

Thirdly, i think you, your husband and or even your husband and his exwife need to come to some form of agreement on what is acceptable behaviours or not. It seem to me that both parties are giving conflicting views. You all need to sit and make some ground rules and enforce them; children need to know that they have bounderies and that certain behaviours will not be tolerated
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I really hope this helped!

Answer 4

You should take her to professional counseling or she will end up in jail or juvenile hall. Kleptomaniacs have real problems and then must be taken care of early enough to prevent her life from being totally ruined. It is the responsibilities of the parents or guardians (you) to try to save the child. The problem is more than likely a symptom to something else that she is lashing out at. I won't be an armchair therapist, but she needs help.

Don't expect to find the soloution to this problem on Yahoo Answers alone.

Answer 5

Well, this stealing is a symptom of something else. To address the stealing, I think that you're going to have to get to the root of it. Your step-daughter needs attention. She needs a positive relationship with someone who can communicate with her about what she is feeling. Try getting a little closer to her by communicating -- share some of yourself instead of being a "disciplinarian", be a person to her. I think that doing this well, will surely help further communcation about the stealing and put an end to it once and for all. Good luck.

Answer 6

A friend had a problem with her son "lighting matches" so she drove him to the fire station and asked fire fighters to speak with him. Never had another incident after that day.

Drive your step-daughter to the Police station and have an officer speak with her. This will make a lasting impression on her.

If you take her to a psychologist you are just drawing this out indefinitely.

Handle this boldly and confidently and you will see greater results.

Answer 7

I agree with everyone who said she is trying to get attention. But, I don't agree with the ones who said to take a back seat and let the "real parents" deal with her. If you take a "it's not my kid" stand, you will be letting a bad situation go to worse.

Most of the time,,, the step parent is the only one who can see the situation clearly. The "real parents" are so worried that the kid won't like them, they won't punish them.

Your heart is in the right place, you want to help her. Take a deep breath and dive in.Try to get all the "parents" together and talk about this. Everything else is off limits,, it is only about the kids.

Be prepared to keep stating over and over to her parents "it's about them, not us" . I know your husbands hands are tied, the mom wants control of HER kids even at YOUR house. This is where you tread lightly, and calm her fears. You don't intend to replace her, but while in YOUR house, You and dad are in charge of HER kids.

You stated you are " just the step mom",,,,,Let me tell you that you can make a huge difference in a child's life whether you are just the step mom, just the bus driver, just the Neighbor, Just their friends mom , just the lady at the feed store,,,,, Kids don't miss a thing, your efforts on their behalf will not go unnoticed.



shame on you, olschoolmom,, " if the parents can't get it together,, Oh well,, too bad for the kid " What the heck is that? She was put in this childs life for a reason, and not to just stand by and watch her parents screw her up, not to mention watch her marriage go down the toilet over it.

Answer 8

I had the same problem with my stepson, who was that same age. I don't know what possessed him to steal, but we couldn't leave anything lying around or he would take it. If I had a $20.00 in my makeup basket, he would swipe it. Every time we would set him down and try to explain how wrong stealing was, and how it made the person he was stealing from feel, and he would always say he was sorry, but he would do it again in a few weeks. He always said the reason that he did it was because he "wanted it". If it wasn't money, it was jewelry or food like snacks or sodas. We actually found my brothers high school ring under my stepsons bed, where he had hidden it. He said he took it cause it looked cool.

We were never able to figure out how to stop the stealing. We finally just had to keep anything of value out of sight, and even then things would come up missing. My fear was the same as yours, that if someone didn't step in and show some "tough love" with him, that he was one day going to break into someone elses house, and steal from them, and get arrested for stealing. Or steal a car or something like that.

Like my just like with my husbands ex, if the real mom keeps making excuses, you guys are fighting a loosing battle. Just keep up anything of value, or make her work it off when she is at your house. Sooner or later she needs to learn consequences, either from her bio-parents or from stepparents.

Answer 9

i'm no longer very effective, yet i think of the divorce,detention center, ingesting and cheating issues have affected her to chat returned in a desire for interest and her mom in all probability talks undesirable approximately him in front of her. i do no longer probable comprehend what to do, yet i could save away for awhile and don't answer the calls she sends, because of the fact perhaps then she will comprehend that she is getting uncontrolled and decide for help.i'm sorry if this does not help:)

Answer 10

As her legal parent he should be able to get her the help she needs, sounds like she doing this to get attention, or to pit Mom against Dad which is normal with kids from divorced parents.