I'm secure, but my mom's not?

Question

Ok my Mom and I have always been super close, dad was abusive and so we grew to rely on eachother.
I'm living away from home, it's been two years and I'm living with my fiancee.
Background:
Fiancee: Hes 5 years older then me, has his bachelors in Biology, and is going for his masters in education. Hes very level headed-emotionally- and we have this same random odd sense of humor. Hes sweet and I've never been happier in my life.
Me: I'm 20, I work as a Teachers Assistant at an elementary school. I've made bad relationship choices in the past...real losers...trust me. I'm a very individual person.

Mom is very unhappy I'm getting married so young, I can understand some of her fears. I'm afraid she is linking my relationship with my fiancee with her and my fathers which ended badly.

I'm so used to her being there for me that it's hard for me to deal with her not supporting me. I'm an adult and am still going to get married because I'm happier then ever.

Advice for me & mom

Answer 1

Sit down and talk honestly to her about her fears -- and listen to her too. She might have some good thoughts, and in any event it will bring you closer together to talk. Don't shut her down or get defensive -- let her finish her thoughts, encourage her to be completely honest with you, and then give her your thoughts.

Honestly, I'd be worried if I had a daughter getting married that young -- if you're anything like me and my friends, you'll be doing a lot of changing and growing over the next few years (by the way, you sound quite mature -- so was I at that age -- yet it's still true that you tend to change quite a bit in your early to mid 20's). For what it is worth, all of my friends that married when they were under 25 eventually got divorced -- and they were all good people, and married good people. They just changed in different directions. Why not enjoy dating him for another year or so -- if it lasts, your relationship will be that much more solid, you'll know each other that much better and your mom will feel more secure. Best of all, you'll be able to legally drink a glass of champagne at the wedding! You've got oceans of time to get married and have kids -- what's the rush?

Disclosure -- I was engaged at age 20 (had been dating a couple of years). Mom and Dad suggested we wait at least until I finished college the next year. We ended up breaking up. I ended up taking a temporary position overseas. Then I backpacked around Europe. Later I went to graduate school. My life is completely different now than I ever could have imagined it then -- and I love it! Maybe that won't happen to you -- maybe you'll still want to marry him -- but I bet Mom will feel better, and I bet your relationship would be that much more solid for doing it. (And if you do break up -- well, better now than after you marry him.)

By the way, I truly understand how you feel -- been there! -- and completely do not mean to condescend to you in any way. I wish you, your fiance and your mom happiness whatever you do.

Answer 2

When a person grows up in abusive situation it is very likely that they will have this type of relationship in the future. I'm not saying this is true for your situation but I can understand the fears that your mother is having. Our mothers know us the best and if her instincts are going off then maybe you should step back for a least a second and see where she is coming from. Value her opinion and then make your own choice. Let her know that you hear her and are taking things slow and considering all of your options. Don't rush into anything. You and your guy can still be happy and engaged.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have a great guy there. Getting married that young isn't that bad. Once she realizes how great of a guy you have, she should start warming up to him. Try taking him home to your mom every once in a while (when you get time) and let her get to know him better. My husband is 10 years older than me and my parents were worried about it too. I was 22 when I got married. We have been married for almost 4 years now with two beautiful children. My parents are very happy for us now and are no longer worried about the age difference.
Give her some time to get to know him better. I'm sure things will be fine. Good luck.

Answer 4

Give in to your mom. Statistics back her up. Marriages between teenagers don't last very long. You are just a few months past that. True you may be mature and you may be completely right that this is the perfect man for you.

You admit you have made very bad relationship mistakes in the past. Your mother does have a reason to be so concerned.

But if he is absolutely perfect for you now--he will be absolutely perfect for you next year as well. Why not put the wedding off for a year or so? If you are right and this guy is perfect, an extra year will give your mother time to realize how perfect he is. You said "it's been 2 years"--does that mean 2 years since you and fiance got together?

Your mother is older and wiser and often they see stuff in our relationship we are too blind to see. Is it just your mother or are many of your close friends concerned as well?

Who is paying for this wedding? If your parents are, than you need to bring her around. If you are, technically you don't have to. But whats the rush? You have your whole life together. Why not give your mother another year to come around--to have her concerns eased?

Answer 5

I think you both need to come together.

Chances are she's not only linking your marriage to her marriage; getting married at 20 can be scary for a mom. Is there anyway you could put this off 2-3 years until you strengthen YOUR relationship with your fiance as well as just emotionally mature?

Now, that's not to say that you are acting immature. Don't take it like that. You are still young, and it can be scary for a mom to see her daughter throw away the "fun" years before there's any need to settle down.

Talk to your mom. LISTEN to her. Also, talk to your fiance. You never mentioned how long you two have been dating unless you've been dating 2 years.

My advice would be to put the wedding off 2 years. There shouldn't be a rush! Trust me, marriage is tough. You know that by looking at your parents' relationship.

Answer 6

I think your mom is just realizing she's "loosing her baby" and her best friend.

I'm sure she trusts your judgment, but you can't help but understand her uncertainty with the marriage. The only way things will get better is if you both talk everything out. Make a promise to each other that you will talk daily(as I'm sure you do already) and never hold back any feelings towards the marriage. You, being excited, and her, being nervous.

And you are going to have to explain to her that her worries are good, but she doesn't need to worry because you have a great guy who will not hurt you.

Get her on the same track as you. If she doesn't live nearby, you need to fly her to your place for a week. If she doesn't know him that well, give her that week to get to know him better. Make them go eat with each other and let her see how great of a guy he is.

Best of luck to all of you!!

Answer 7

I would probably ask her why she is so upset. Let her give her explanation, and just listen. Perhaps it's because she doesn't really know him, and she's maybe linking it to the fact that you said your other boyfriends have been "real losers".
She probably just needs to get to know him a little better, and see that he's not like your dad and ex's.
Also, you are young and it's hard for any mother to picture her daughter getting married so young, even though you feel ready. She loves you and wants the best for you, so just be patient, she'll come around.

Answer 8

I think ultimately its how you feel about your relationship. You shouldn't disregard your mother though, she may find insecurity with your fiancee because she doesn't understand the level of happiness you feel. She should maybe take time to get to know your fiancee, so she can feel comfortable with him as a son-in-law and also your husband. You should arrange some bonding time between the three of you.She only loves you, she's concerned you will find someone that will break your heart and hurt you.

Answer 9

Both of you need to just sit down and talk over what mom is afraid of and why you want to get married right now. Perhaps have a longer engagement than you might have thought originally so that you can let mom get over some of her fears and also learn more about your fiance as you plan the wedding.

Answer 10

Oh, mothers and daughters! What a joyful but often stressful relationship. Your mother needs time to pass before she will be able to settle into seeing your great relationship. Its only natural that she would compare your situation with her own even if there are no similarities. You are the daughter she loves and she wants the best and even more for you.

Be patient with her concerns and avoid conflict by understanding that she feels she is losing you; but time will put things into perspective for her and she will find joy in your happiness. God bless!