Should i be alarmed with what my boyfriend did? PLS READ..... PLS...?

Question

There are some things that my boyfriend had been consistently doing lately that i thought could be sweet but sometimes it makes me scared... i thought i'd ask what you guys have to say....

Everytime my cellphone beeps and i start pressing the keys to reply to SMS.... he blurts out... "who is that?"

There's this anonymous number that keeps on sending messages on my phone... so my boyfriend took the number and texted the guy what he wanted from me.... and it turned out it was just a highschool friend who was married... my boyfriend said he just wanted to make sure it wasn't a stalker...

then one time i told him... i hope he won't change when we're married... because we're engaged.... i told him that i like how he loves me now and i hope he won't change... then he said... "i will love you more... and take care of you... i might not even let you leave the house when we're married.... cause i wanna make sure you're ok".....

opinions pls........ in depth opinions..... pls....

Answer 1

This is a very delicate question, and I hope that when you find an answer, it's inside of yourself and your fiance and not from an online source. But here is my opinion on the matter:

From what it sounds like, your boyfriend is either a very loving, protecting person, or a bit overprotective and paranoid. Try talking to him about the matter and finding out why he acts this way; perhaps he has had something happen in his past with an expired relationship or some such thing. Above all, make sure that once you've exchanged your vows that he won't suddenly change into the big bad wolf. Consider how long you've been going out, how long you knew the man before that, and make sure that you will be happy with how the relationship turns out. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT rush into something that could be emotionally shattering for you in years to come.

Best wishes to you both.

Answer 2

You should be alarmed. While a certain amount of jealousy can seem flattering, when a partner starts monitoring your texts and telephone calls and talks about what he will "let" you do in the future, those are red flags. I am sorry to tell you that such controlling behavior isn't as much related to love as it is to severe insecurity. If he is possessive now, he will likely get worse, since insecurity does't cure itself. In a marriage, these emotional limitations can play out in emotional or even physical abuse. I sure wish I could say something more encouraging, but I think you might want to move on before this guy gets so fixated on you that he decides to lock you up somewhere so he can take care of you. I know you will find someone wonderful! Good luck!

Answer 3

There's clearly an underlying issue that he's not dealing with. Did something happen that would make him not trust you? I'm not saying that it had to be something you did. It could be a past relationship or something from his childhood.

To me, it sounds like he's scared of losing you and that's why he's being controlling. Maybe by talking to him about the feelings behind the actions/statements, he'll open up about the reasons he's acting the way he's acting. If he can't get there on his own, maybe you should look into couple's therapy. It will help him be able to express what he might not even realize he's thinking and it will help him find a way to relax and be less intense.

If he's not willing to work through this with you, then I think you need to reassess your relationship. Communication and trust are two of the most important things in a marriage. Good luck!

Answer 4

On the surface, there's probably nothing wrong with the individual things, but when you put it all together, it appears your boyfriend has the ability to be a VERY controlling or possessive spouse.

I think it's something you need to address, or probably more likely, a counselor should address with him. I think all couples should go through premarital counseling. One positive thing here is that one of the main things you'll discuss is what you expect married life will be like. Hopefully, his thought of never letting you leave the house to keep you safe thing will come out then, and can be addressed.

Either way, you need to find a way to tell him in a caring way that he can't protect you 100% of the time. You're faithful to him, you love him, and you want to spend your life with him, but he needs to know he can't "make sure you're ok" 24/7.

A lot of guys have this idea of being the manly protector in marriage, but as they settle into real married life, they kind of calm down some on that. My husband was very protective of me while we dated, and early in our marriage, but now, he's mellowed some.

With the cell phone call thing, decide if it seems to be a possessive thing or a habit thing. If it's a possessive thing, you need to discuss that along with the "you can't protect me 24/7" conversation. If it's a habit thing, and it really bothers you, bring it up nicely that you're with him, but you do have friends and loved ones you keep in contact with, and it worries/bothers you when he asks every time who it is. If it's a habit that you really don't care about (it doesn't bother me that my husband will often ask who is calling), let it go.

Same thing with the text messager. He may have just thought he was doing you a favor. Determine his motives and how you feel about it, and handle it depending on what your answer to those questions is.

Regardless, you should find a way to bring up the "not letting you out of the house" and "wanna make sure you're okay" thing. That could be sweet, but you don't want to start out assuming it's all sweet, then realizing four years down the road that you're in a marriage with a man who refuses to let you live life because of his own insecurities.

Answer 5

Yes- bells are apparently going off or you wouldn't have written this- listen to your instincts.
A person who wants to take care of you so much that he "may not let you leave the house to make sure you're ok" is WAY too controlling.
Find out about his old relationships- do this right away- and you will no doubt get more concrete examples of what he is capable of.
INSIST on premarital counseling if you are going on with this- once you're married, you will not be able to get him to go.
This is not to say he is a bad person- just so insecure in his need for your complete attention that he will be capable of doing some incredibly hurtful things- emotionally and maybe physically.
Please take this VERY seriously and talk it over with your mom or other adult woman whose judgement you trust and is living a life you would like to emulate.

Answer 6

Im sorry, but it doesnt sound like he's doing these things because he loves you, but because he's possessive. As I read the first part I thought how sweet and loving he sounds, but the part about maybe not letting you leave the house sounds more like he is controlling. I think you should talk to him about that statement and see if he was joking or was serious. If he was serious you need to ask him what he would do if you wanted to go somewhere and he didnt want you to. If his answer is in anyway controlling then you need to think twice about marrying this man. Men who are controlling like that usually end up being physically abusive and you do not want to get involved with someone like that. It is extremely difficult for women to get out of a situation like that. There isnt a thing wrong with him being overly protective, but when it leads to possessiveness then he's gone overboard.

Answer 7

"BEWARE" sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a guy on the verge of becoming a woman abuser, I'm a 50 year man and I've seen signs like what you described in a lot of guys and more then 60% of guys that start being an abuser of women are those that have a relation ship with them. What you need to do is seek out help from someone that works on relation. Don't go down a path that you may not be able to come back from.

Seek Help Now/Don't Wait:

Answer 8

I'd say you better be careful. How long you've been with this guy should have some influence on how you react, but I've dated guys like this, and it only gets worse over time. I've had friends who married guys like this and REALLY regretted it, as the control issues link into everything else.. how much money they'll let you spend on anything, who you talk to, hang out with, and then when kids come into the picture, it's even worse. Please think seriously about this and consider counselling before you get married. Remember your value as an individual and your right to make your own choices in YOUR life.

Answer 9

Two things, it could just be that he is really sweet and is worried about you and does not want anything to happen to you. However I have had friends whose significant other was very protective and jealous, and found out later that it was because they were cheating. If you are sure that is not the case, (and make sure you have signifigant proof before accusing him of anything!)then he might be feeling a little insecure for some reason. Don't mistake love for jealousy and control. You did say yes when he proposed (obviously) so that should mean something to him and your commitment to your relationship. Talk to him before things get scarier. Good luck. . . . .

Answer 10

Ok. several things popped out to me right away...
1) you refer to him as boyfriend, not fiance in the heading?
2-100) Um....how do I put this nicely...he sounds controlling and overbearing. There is a thin line between love and obsessive love, which is controlling. The fact that you are on Yahoo, asking the world for our advice on this issue, tells me that your "gut" instinct already knows that you probably don't feel too comfortable with this behavior.

Please, please don't think that this will change with marriage. He already made it clear that it will actually get worse because he said he doesnt want you leaving the house. It sounds like concern and love, but it is really control and obsession, which are dangerous.

Love is patient, and kind, and does not anger easily or boast, it believes all things, bears all things, and doesnt fail.....that is what the bible says about love.....your guy is doing the opposite because it sounds controlling and jealous and obsessive.

Only you can make the choice, just be prepared to live with whatever choice you make. I offered my opinion, but I cannot make your choice for you...

Good luck, and may God bless you!