Children at family wedding?

Question

My husband and I recently had a baby. His brother on the east coast is getting married in July and has just recently told us they do not want children at their wedding and want to know what we plan to do with our 3 month old baby. We are flying from los Angeles to their wedding in Boston and feel this is entirely inappropriate. In addition to the costs of airfare, rental car, tuxedo rental and finding a babysitter, should we still have to give a gift too? What is the best way to handle this situation?

We did not have children at our wedding 2 years ago but we also did not have anyone traveling 3000 miles with a newborn infant. In addition to this I am breast feeding. They do not even want her at the reception. They did manage to send me an invitation to the bridal shower last weekend which I obviously couldnt attend being so far away but I sent a gift anyways. What is the motivating factor behind this kind of decision?

Answer 1

As a parent, I sympathize more with you than with your brother, especially since you will have a very small baby. But as the people throwing the party, and paying for it, they have the right to request that it be an adults-only affair.

You are still expected to give a gift.

I would talk to him. Try to be as non-confrontational as possible. Tell him your child is still a very young infant, and you will not be leaving her and traveling across the country. Ask that he and his fiance find a trustworthy, inexpensive babysitter for the time of the ceremony and reception.

If this is truly a financial burden on you and your husband, I think you need to tell him that. I've had that conversation before, and it's not pleasant in the least, but it is irrational to expect others to go into debt for your wedding day. If this is the case, tell him and ask if he has ANY suggestions for how it can be less of a financial burden for you guys. You could find out if a tux could be borrowed or if they could help cover some of the cost of it, or traveling expenses.

About 50% of people will say that it's rude to ask, but in my opinion, it's every bit as rude for a couple to expect that everyone in their lives move the sun and moon and dip into savings or go into debt to make their day special.

If it's not really a financial burden, and you're just miffed that you have to do all that, that's a different matter. Basically, it's reasonable to bring it up if you can't pay for it, but if you simply don't want to, that's not something you should bring up to him.

I've had these conversations before. If you do it right, by not being overly confrontational, but explaining that rationally, you're just unable to do all you'd like to, there can be a positive result, without people feeling offended.

Quite honestly, it's only been very recently that I've learned that people do a shower gift and a wedding gift. At my wedding, and every one I've been to, the shower gift WAS the wedding gift, only it was given at a shower. You've sent them a gift. I don't think you should have to send them another one.

Their motivation is pretty much the same as yours was, only yours was easier to deal with, since no one had to travel.

If you're breastfeeding, and they don't even want the baby at the reception, you need to find some way to get around the typical "leave the baby with a sitter" thing. Your baby will always rank higher in importance than your brother-in-law and his grown-up wedding party.

You may want to feel them out to see if they would have a huge problem with you having a mother's helper. Basically, you go to the wedding and reception, but a sitter cares for the baby in a setting close to, but not part of, the wedding/reception. For example, if the wedding is in a church, the sitter and the baby would be in a classroom or nursery of the church. That way, the baby is nearby, can be nursed when necessary, but is not interrupting or disturbing the wedding. It can't hurt to bring it up..........

Answer 2

It's funny because when I got married it didn't occur to me or my family to NOT include my nephews. Now that I'm a parent I'm always surprised when people (usually without kids themselves) have family events that don't include the children.

If you really want to go to the wedding can you find a teenage relative that could watch the baby during the wedding? What are other relatives doing? Can you go in together with another family member and share the cost of a sitter?

Would your brother-in-law consider letting you bring the baby to the reception? You obviously cannot be away from a three-month-old baby for any great length of time. I can understand not wanting a crying baby to ruin a wedding ceremony but nobody will even notice a baby that small at a reception.

Perhaps your husband could have a talk with his parents and see if they can run interference on this. We just had a similar situation two weekends ago and when the bride & groom learned we were not going to be able to attend the wedding they called us and said that the kids were welcome if it meant we couldn't come otherwise. We too had to get a hotel, airfare, rental car, meals, etc. and yes, the amount of the gift was much smaller than it would have been otherwise.

Good-luck!

Answer 3

Is it really important that you go? If not, stay home with the baby and send your husband.
Also, a lot of churches have a room in the back for parents and children. If you approve it with the couple (and if the wedding is in a church), check and see if their wedding site has such a room. Maybe you can keep the baby there so a disturbance won't occur. As for following the ceremony, you could look into a sitter out there or just skip the reception.
Get a less expensive gift from their registry because getting nothing will open it up for drama.
It seems a bit inconsiderate, but you need to respect their wishes as it is their day.
Good luck!

Answer 4

I agree with Violet Pearl - you should check with a doctor about traveling with such a young child. I can't imagine it would be very good for such a young baby.

Spawanee - I don't think it's fair to call someone a jerk just because they don't want children at their wedding. And assuming the only reason they don't want children is so they can get ****faced, is really rude and most likely inaccurate.

I agree with Firebelly74 - it is up to the couple getting married whether they want to have children there or not. They are paying a lot of money for the ceremony and reception and they deserve to have the wedding they want. The truth is, children can be very disruptive without meaning to. And it's really the one day a couple can be selfish about what they want.

If going to the wedding without your baby is something you are not willing/unable to do - (and I completely understand that and if I were in your position, I would most likely respectfully decline myself so I could stay home with my child while my husband goes to the wedding) - just respectfully let them know you are unable to attend. They should respect your decision, just as you should respect their decision about having an adult only wedding.

Answer 5

Well I find it kind of rude to tell you only a short while before the wedding that they are not allowing children, especially when you have a 3 month old. If you haven't purchased the airfare and hotel and such, you can still cancel. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my 3 month old while I am in another state. Maybe your parents could watch the baby? As for the gift, you are not required to buy a gift in the first place. Yes, it is a nice gesture, but if you can't afford it, then don't. The most important thing is your presence.

Answer 6

The cost of getting to a wedding does not get you out of getting a gift. However, I think that it is ludricious to expect you to leave a 3 month old baby with a stranger far from home. I would calmly explain that you need to have your baby with you and will be very careful to make sure the ceremony is not interrupted. I have chosen to miss some "family" weddings because our children were not included and it was far from home. My children are worth far more than hurt feelings. It is fine if people don't want children at weddings, but it is also fine to not go.

Answer 7

You can ask your brother-in-law if he may know a babysitter in his area that he would recommend. Or if there are many out-of-town guests with children, you may ask your brother-in-law if any child care will be available (for a fee) for the families attending the wedding. It sounds like he asked you what you would do with your child if the wedding did not allow children. Perhaps he is trying to find a way to accommodate your needs.

However, by your question, I think you are more concerned by the overall cost of attending the wedding rather than the cost of a possible babysitter. Instead of going to the wedding, you could give your brother-in-law a gift equal to a portion of the cost you would have incurred by attending (airfare, rental car, lodging, tuxedo, babysitter). On the other hand, if your presence would be a greater present, try to enjoy your time there. It may be a welcome break that you as parents need.

Answer 8

I think an infant is totally different than other toddlers but why not have your husband go without you? I don't think it is reasonable for you to get a babysitter for your 3 month old in another city. It would be different if they offered a babysitter that they knew and were going to pay. Just be prepared that you may find out later that other people showed up with kids after all. This happened to a friend of mine. She didn't go because they were told no kids and when her husband showed up there were 5 kids from the brides side there.

This is why I opted to invite all kids to my much less formal 2nd time around wedding. It avoided all this mess. We hired 2 babysitters to help entertain the kids at the reception and had a separate area with board games and coloring books. Everyone had a GREAT time!!

Answer 9

most people don't want kids or babies at weddings, it should be a mature night out for adults, most weddings (except kid friendly) are adult celebrations. and chances are the bride has family on her side too with children that she has not invited.
you should make a valid effort to find a sitter on your side of the family if you can(that would give a trusted family member to have a chance to bond with the baby too.)
even with breastfeeding its doable.
the right answer is to have your husband go without you. (tell them this ahead of time, without making them feel guilty or asking them if the baby can come)
when they realize you wont be attending because you have no one to leave the baby with, they might then decide that having you there means more. and then make an exception.
your husband cannot miss his brothers wedding at all, you can make a statement,(without saying anything)
just by not going, but do let them know ahead of time so the can adjust their attendance, meals and all.
yes you have to give a gift (they are brothers)
call the reception hall as an inquiring bride, to see how much per plate it starts at or go online and look the place up.
you should pay approx per plate and little extra depending on how close they are and how much you can afford.
if you cant afford much right now send a card with a note or mention for a gift at a later date such as a 1 year aniversary and start saving now for it.
yes the travel expenses are steep but its his brother and its an honor to be with him on that day.
(both of you preferred if possible, but definitly your husband)

Answer 10

In my very large family, If the wedding is far away we send a "representative". In this situation, your husband (since it's his brother) would go. This helps with the finances, the babysitter problem, and allows you to afford a gift. I would be clear with the family before the big day that you love and support them and wish you could be there to share their joy. Offer to do something nice when they come to LA next time.

If your travel plans are already locked in, I would probably keep the plans, but let you husband attend the ceremony while you take care of the baby. then take the baby to reception if they are okay with that.

This may not be socially correct, may even be concidered rude, but its understood in my family that when the wedding is far away, all of us will not be able to attend (usually for financial reasons). so there are no hard feelings.
Hope this helps.