My boyfriend & I just got engaged & we live together. We've been living together for a little more than a year now (been together for 2 years) and we just got engaged (YEY!) :O)
In order to get married at my church we have to go through a 9 month pre-marital class. BUT as Christians, it is against the "rules" for us to be living together before marriage. The church suggested the following: 1. we stop living together until we get married (neither of us can really afford to live on our own) 2. we get married (civil), take the course, then get married in the church.
How would that work? Does that take away from the experience? do we wear rings & tell people we're married and then (a year from now) have a wedding??
I'm a little unsure about how I feel about all of this. I feel like it's the right thing to do as a Christian but won't it kinda complicate things? Any thoughts/suggestions?
2007-06-07 11:31:05 · 19 answers · asked by zO. 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
If you're attempting to do things the Christian way because you want a biblical marriage then I suggest:
a. one of you should move out to a friend's, family, heck even a church member's place and abstain from sexual activity until you're wed.
b. the point of the classes is to prepare you for marriage, but to me these classes are excessively long.. 9 mos.. i wasn't even engaged 9 mos. You're probably going through the issues living with your bf. Perhaps it's better that you find a church with shorter classes. There are churches with 1 day class, a meeting every 3 weeks.
c. if none of these things seem like they'll work.. get a marriage license. It's legally binding and doesnt require a civil ceremony.. just signatures and ID. Then you can take the classes and do the wedding.
d. last thought: I wouldnt be concerned about taking away from the experience. Living together already took away from the experience. The only difference between married people and you is a legal/cultural commitment and I think we both believe that matters to God.
I wish you a happy and blessed marriage
2007-06-07 13:23:03 · answer #1 · answered by I K 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The course seems a little counterproductive if you have already gotten married. The course is designed to help you work through any issues you have before you get married so you aren't figuring out three months later that you have nothing in common other than you find each other attractive. I'd speak to another paster--all of them are not that strict on the living together situation especially if you plan on marrying as soon as you can.
Another poster on here was in a similar position and they just didn't tell the pastor they were living together. A church wedding is very important to some faiths. It's important enough to my boyfriend that we won't get married until we do the pre-marital counseling and it's not likely we'll be living together until then either no matter how much we see each other.
2007-06-07 11:48:48 · answer #2 · answered by indydst8 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you run out and get married--you have completely ruined your wedding day. There is no point in having a wedding b/c its meaningless. You've already gotten married. So that won't be your wedding, nor your anniversary. People won't be joining you to witness your nuptials. They would only be watching a reenactment, or a renewal of vows.
Many people today live together before marriage. It's not like that is rare, even for Christians. And its not like you are just living with the man--you are engaged!
I think if that church is being ridiculous and refuses to marry you because you lived together prior to marriage, than find a different church to get married in.
But for me, a wedding was something I'd dreamed of my entire life. I couldn't have been content with a justice of peace ceremony. I would have hated to have a church wedding taken from me. Not to mention my family. They would have been outrageously offended had I run off and gotten married without them having a big wedding and inviting everyone. It would have really bothered both of our parents as my groom is an only child and I'm the only marriage on my side (sis is never gonna get married)
If you are unsure about all of this, then it is probably the wrong thing to do. I'd plan the wedding you dream of and just not use that particular preacher to marry you.
2007-06-07 11:48:17 · answer #3 · answered by phantom_of_valkyrie 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think that a wonderful thing to do would be to get a pastor or whichever you need or want, and do it someplace outside and romantic. Then rent a hall for your reception. Because I agree with you on ok, you get married, civil, then do you wear rings?? How would that work? I am getting married June 16, and know where you are coming from. Also, me and my bf have been living together for years, and we actually already have kids, and his church was not sure at first if they would let us marry there. Luckily it all worked out. If you feel that you really want the church wedding, then I'd tell you to go stay with your parents or a friend until the wedding...I think that getting married before the church wedding, would take away the excitement from it all.
2007-06-07 12:49:01 · answer #4 · answered by firegurljess21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do what you guys feel is right, do not let others tell you how to live your life or get married. Get married however way you want, don't worry about what the church says, if you are old enough to get married then you are old enough to make your own decisions. I have been living with my fiance for close to two years now, we are getting married in a couple of weeks. Anyone can say that we are wrong and living in sin but you know what, we are very happy and seem to be doing really well without interference from any church.
2007-06-07 12:31:07 · answer #5 · answered by Nunyabusiness 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, if the church wedding is that important to you, find a different church. Congrats on the engagement but getting married twice isn't going to be the same to you when the big wedding comes. In today's world people need to live together to really know each other before they get married.
Find a different venue.
2007-06-07 11:40:24 · answer #6 · answered by longhornfan1722 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would suggest you find somewhere else to get married instead of in the church. I understand that some ministers require a couple to go thru pre-marital counseling, but geez you're already living together so that is kind of pointless. Since the minister knows you are already living together it sounds more like he is trying to push his beliefs on you and that is not for him to do. I was faced with the problem of knowing my minister would not perform my marriage because I am marrying outside of my faith. So I'm going to hire an officiant to perform the ceremony and either have it in a local park in the gazebo or go to a chapel. Congrats on your marriage.
2007-06-07 16:31:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I disagree with some of the responses. Not all churches require the pre-marital counseling. If your church doesn't want to marry you, bc you are living together, then find another venue. It is not their place to judge. I also come from a Christian background! Not all churches, even in the Christian faith, are as strict as it seems your church is.
2007-06-07 15:00:05 · answer #8 · answered by princess_cde_17 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What do you mean by a civil marriage? Do you mean at the court house? And, yes...........all churches have this regulation now days. Some are only 6 months.
I went thru this with a friend that had been married before and did not want to go this route. And she is a good Catholic! So, I got her the Chapel at a local private school which supplied their own minister.
2007-06-07 12:05:09 · answer #9 · answered by Nana 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would get married outside of the church. You can still find christian officiants (probably not your pastor at your church) to marry you. They will not require counseling and will not pass judgement on the way that you live your life. You should get married when you want to, where you want to, no matter if you are living together or not. There are plenty of good, christian people who live together before they are married. Your church should not be so judgemental in my opinion and I would bypass your church and get married somewhere else. If you want to get married in a church you can do that to at another church who will welcome you with open arms. You would just have to do some calling around and talk to some other churches in your area.
As far as someone elses answer calling you hypocrites...get over yourself. No one is perfect no matter how christian you claim to be.
2007-06-07 11:40:50 · answer #10 · answered by Wedding Planner 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋