I have a question dealing with my boyfriend (BF) and my family. My BF and I plan on getting married in 2 mos. at a courthouse (we don't care for ceremonies). My parents want to be at there, even though it's more of a formality than an event. My BF, who is not close to his family and doesn't like hanging out with people who "inconvenience" him (abusive upbringing), doesn't want anybody to be at the courthouse. I do not care either way, but my BF states that when telling my parents not to come to the courthouse, I should say that "we" don't want them to come. I am stuck in the middle b/c I want to please both my parents and BF. If I tell them the truth about my BF's feelings and reasons to my parents, he thinks that I do not support him and am betraying him. Since my parents are Thai-American, family is important and I believe what my BF wants will hurt my parents. I can't talk to my BF b/c I get emotional -- he then gets angry and yells violently, which I am not use to. What to do?
2007-06-07 05:09:11 · 13 answers · asked by Felixia_75 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Speaking from past experience....if he's yelling now and you're not even married, the violence will increase. Maybe gradually over time, then maybe on your wedding night. If you are already bowing down to him and not having your family with you on what is just as much your day as his...is he really worth all the pain. He sounds like a very controlling person. Make up your mind now if you are willing to compromise, because if you do it now...you'll be doing it the whole time you are married.
2007-06-07 05:25:28 · answer #1 · answered by YouGotMe 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hey this is breanna i had the some what the same problem my boyfriend is not close to his mother and his father passed so all he really has is me and his grandmother. Dealing with how your boyfriend feels can be hard and how your parents might feel. In my opinion i would have a long talk with my parents and my boyfriend together to see how both of them feel about each other find out what they dont like about each other and see if they can deal with there differences and if they cant no matter how much your fiance will yell family comes first fiances will come and go but family stays 4 a life time!!!!!!!!!!!
2007-06-07 05:21:15 · answer #2 · answered by Bre -Bre 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok...you need to be able to live your own life, but it seems that family is more important to you than it is to your boyfriend. As a mother, I wouldn't care if my daughter wanted to get married at a courthouse, but I would be devastated if she did not include us in some way. There are certain events in their child's life that parents long to be included in - a wedding is definitely one of those events. In one way, it's a form of closure for the parents as they are learning to "let go"....
Also, there are a LOT of 'red flags' here. For one thing, if your boyfriend is already yelling at you / getting violently angry, and you admit that he has a background of abusive upbringing, I highly recommend you RETHINK this marriage until your boyfriend gets help. If you marry this guy as he is right now, I can promise that YOU will become a victim of physical abuse within a couple of months of marriage. By your own admission, your boyfriend is already abusing you verbally and emotionally.
2007-06-07 05:38:48 · answer #3 · answered by Romans 8:28 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would say it's time to put off the marriage for a bit. There are some serious issues that need to be delt with before you get tied up in a marriage. As for your family - they will always be around and you will always have a close relationship with them, so don't kid yourself into thinking that once you resolve this particular incident that there will be no more problems. In reading your question, I wasn't as concerned with the fact that your BF doesn't want any family present as I was with the angry and violent outbursts. You definately want to deal with this before you get married - please trust me - it will only get worse!
2007-06-07 05:23:30 · answer #4 · answered by lchardy70 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I dont think so getting married to such a man is a great idea. If he has no respect for your parents, rest assured that he will turn violent on you. You should tell your parents and besides, you can only have one mother and father in your lifetime but bfs or husbands etc, yuo can get them anytime. Blood is thicker than water.
2007-06-07 05:17:41 · answer #5 · answered by SG GAL 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He’s selfish. He only cares about what HE wants. He has no concern for what anyone else wants--either your parents or you, because I feel fairly certain that even if you wanted your parents there, he’d still object. And frankly you SHOULD want to abide by your parents’ wishes because this is a tiny, simple, perfectly reasonable request on their part. Again, this is very selfish of him, and selfish people do not make good partners.
Then you wants you to lie about it…for ONE reason, because doing so would make HIM look better. People who expect their girlfriend to lie for them do not make good partners.
Finally, you can’t discuss it because he gets angry and yells. People who react in such a manner do not make good partners.
These are all HUGE RED WARNING FLAGS.
Don't marry him.
2007-06-07 05:45:30 · answer #6 · answered by kp 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your boyfriends sounds like he needs some serious therapy before he gets married. You have no business marrying an angry-violent man you can't even talk to. Get smart!!!!! Tell your parents you can't talk to your boyfriend because he'll beat you up and see how they feel.
2007-06-07 05:13:46 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Explain to your boyfriend how much it truly means to you to have your parents there. That family is important to you. Not just your mom and dad but the family you guys will one day create. Tell him it will mean so much to you and will display to you that while he has had issues with his family, he will be able to bond with any future family. If this means a whole lot to you you need to explain what a huge emotional event this is for you and try to reach a compromise for him. Just because he has issues with his family does not mean you have the same issues with your and when you marry he will have to accept that you will always have a relationship with your parents and they will have a role in your lives. I hope he can empathize with you and allow a compromise here. If he is evry hard on this issue you need to think about the future here. He needs to accept that not everyone thinks the same as him and needs to learn to be flexible with others when it is important.
However, if the two of you decide to not have your parents attend then you truly should tell your parents that WE decided not to have parents attend You don't want to say it was just hubby because that may turn your parents against hubby and they will assume he is controlling you. If you always say HE and instead of WE it gives the impression of siding with your parents. when you marry your primary loyalty should be the spouse and any major issues with in-laws should be addressed as WE decisions in order to prevent any bad feelings between in-laws and spouse.
I would seriously think about this marriage seriously. You already have two major issues with yelling and you wanting your family. He obviously needs some help developing communication skills. Maybe talk to him about the two of you (it's less threatening if it's both of you) go to some pre-marital counseling to work on communication skills. Say you want to do this before you marry to insure you have a happy future toegether. This will help you guys discuss some much needed big issues and give him some communication skills. This will be good for both of you! If he is unwilling to bend on this now.... then just imagine your future with a man unable to compromise or handle stress. Think really hard and talk with your man, you guys need to be able to effectively discuss these sorts of issues before you marry.
2007-06-07 05:43:30 · answer #8 · answered by scottishduffy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Dont marry him. Imagine what the rest of your life would be like..say during family outings, reunions, trips etc...wouldnt it be just wonderful if you had a sweet and loving man that simply adored your family??? Well, give yourself time to find him! Dont marry that jerk!
2007-06-07 05:15:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have the same problem. Two things that work for me are staying in my room for as much time as I can when I'm in the house, and have having my Ipod on when I have to leave my room. In other words, just avoid them.
2016-05-19 00:26:16 · answer #10 · answered by librada 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋