Me and my boyfriend have been together 5 years on and off, i dont know whether to get married or to let go?

Question

I love him and he loves me but im worried about my future if i stay with him. he is very sweet and loves animals and is consdidered and not selfish but yet he has bad credit and is not good at saving money. i know he loves me but sometimes he does stupid things, like drink to much and be mean to me. he said he is working on it and i can tell he his. I dont know if trust him with paying bills and i think i would have to get his money from him to pay the bills, instead of trusting him to do it he just isnt established and as mature as me he is only 23, i am only 21. he also smokes weed and i cant stand it. he said he will quit one day. help me what should i do? I love him so much but i am worried about the future. like last night he didnt call me till 8, usually we are togther every day. i know he isnt cheating, but sometimes he i think he would. he says i am the only one for him. sometimes i dont even want to kiss him, but i love him is that weird?? can anyone help me i am so confused

Answer 1

Sure you're confused. It would be confusing to have thoughts of this person not being in your life after all of this time. However, putting aside the bad credit, being irresponsible, and smoking illegal weed - if he's mean to you sometimes and you're not able to trust him completely, marriage isn't a good idea at all.

Okay, add back in the bad credit. When you marry someone with bad credit, you marry their credit too. It can impact your good standing.

Add back in being irresponsible. Do you really want to be this guy's mother?

Add back in his illegal activity. Do you want to risk getting arrested because he brings it into your household? If he's going to quit, why doens't he quit?

Do yourself and your future a favor and find someone who isn't mean, who will always treat you well, and who is as adult like as you are.

Answer 2

You need to figure out if this is something you want to put up with for the rest of your life-yes you love him and he loves you but love requires sacrifices and standing up and owning things you do. If the bills bother you-you should take care of paying them and have him write checks out to you or give you cash-You both are young but my boyfriend and I are the same age as you (I am 21 he is 23) but we are different in the aspect we don't smoke weed and we don't have problems with the bills although I was horrible at saving and he has taught me a lot now and I couldn't be more impressed with how I am doing. He needs to work on his credit because if you two were to ever get married you all would have to re-lie on you and your credit and that's not fair to you.
From listening to your last sentence I think it's time for you two to let go and you have tried to make it work but it isn't happening. I think you both should go your separate ways even though you love each other you need to let go and maybe he will grow up?

Answer 3

Don't get married until he does all of the things that he says he will do "one day". Now is not the time, he is clearly not ready. Also just so you know, you sound like a really smart girl with everything together and you sound like you could be ready to start a family... why not with someone else?
I also personally believe you can love someone but the difference between loving them as a husband or loving them as a friend is whether you want to kiss them.
Breaking up is the hardest thing to do but I think you know in your heart what you want... letting go is the next step and unfortunately it's not going to be happy go lucky no matter how it goes. Having someone else that you are interested in might help heal your heart ; ) good luck!!

Answer 4

You can love him and not marry him and break up with him for both of your sakes. He needs to grow up but he doesn't need you to be his mom - he has to grow up on his own.
Sometimes the wife is the better money manager and so she handles all the bill paying and each partner in the marriage gets an allowance. So I wouldn't worry about that. What I would worry about his alcohol and drug use; he's two years older than you are and you have to nag him about those things? He shouldn't be doing pot or drinking too much but he does - and you don't like it.He may mature eventually and lose such habits but there are plenty of cases of people who do not - much to the pain and despair of their families.
It sounds like you love him but you are badly matched as a couple.
If you do break up with him and date someone who has values more in line with your own, you'll see a tremendous difference.

Answer 5

It seems that your boyfriend has a lot of excuses for not getting married. It's just sad that after all these years, he still doesn't have faith in your relationship to bring it to a higher level. It would be best to speak to him and tell him the reason why you would like to get married. Because after 6 years and he doesn't see himself getting married to you, then what's the point of being together. As a woman, I would like to think that when I go into a relationship, that relationship would see me getting married one day to the man I love.

Answer 6

look i know you dont know me.. but its clear hes not ready for a marriage.

yes love leads to marriage. you say youre in love, but thats not all it takes to have a successful marriage. i even doubt he loves you just cause if he really loved you i think hed be acting a little differently.

i believe this: he is completely entitled to live that kind of lifestyle if he so wishes. if you decide to marry him, you are not allowed to complain for the rest of eternity.. thats what you get for being such a foolish woman.

marriage needs more than love! he isnt even acting like an adult, much less a husband, potential father, etc.

you are right to question this decision and not be blinded by artifical love. i am glad you are smart in realizing that yes, the love is there, but will the marriage work?

i say no because you have a whole list of things that indicates he will not be a good husband.

a good husband doesnt need to have a lot of money, but a good husband should know(or at least be making the effort to learn) how to properly manage finances before he marries a woman!

a good husband will not be mean and drink too much!

a good husband will pay his debts (and if he cant, at least handle the situation in a respobsible manner)

a good huband doesnt smoke weed! especially when he knows his wife (potentially) doesnt like it!!

a good husband will not make you think he could cheat someday!

my suggestion is to evalute the things you want in life and identify what kind of lifestyle you want. make those clear and decide if he fits in that picture.

then i think you shouldnt be asking random people, rather ask married people. ask people who appear to be in "good" marriages and people who appear to be in "unhealthy" marriages.

then you will see what people say is important to their relationship, and what causes their relationships problems.

the longer these couples have been together the better. then you can see if you still see yourself with this guy down down down the line.

Answer 7

Five years? Cut your losses and move on. Let's be brutally honest and I say brutal because honesty can hurt a great deal. Even though women your age are far more mature in their reasoning than their counterparts, your trying to ride a horse that's not willing to go into the corral. If you continue on in this relaionship, be prepared to star in a rodeo full of bumps and bruises until he's ready to settle down. Your still a very young gal, why not give another a chance to show you love and committment. Don't settle for less.

Answer 8

i was in the same situation as you so i think i can help. you have obviously grown up with this guy if you have been dating for 5 years, and he is a major part of your life. what you have to ask yourself is, do you want more? your relationship has major problems, he shouldn't smoke weed and he shouldn't drink and be mean to you, that is criteria for leaving him right now. before you get married you need to see the world and experience life, have you already done that? i don't think you should get married, he doesn't respect you enough to stop smoking weed and drinking, so why put yourself in that situation? i made my choice and i left my x boyfriend, he was stopping me from living life and i think this guy is doing the same to you. it's a hard process and it will hurt like hell, but if you leave him you will be able to find out who you really are and see if you are really ready to get married at this young age. good luck.

Answer 9

Love can help you balence, but you two have to sit down and talk about these problems before you commit to a marriage. You need to be on good footing and know who and how you are going to handle problems as they come up. If he can't pay bills, you pick up finaces and if you aren't good at making the money let him... Give and take, but make sure that this is something that you both can handle and are willing to work out. Marrigae is a lot of give and take, so you have to find the balance that works for the two of you.

Answer 10

Sit him down, and talk to him, tell him the weed has to stop, or you will be gone. Ask him whats more important, getting high or your love together? If he really loves you, "one day" as he says will come alot fast if you put your foot down. If he can quit, thats a very good step to working things out. As for paying bills and etc.. thats tought, you are going to have to talk to him about that too, i understand being worried about the future. You guys should get engaged and try living together, so you can see how its really going to be.. then you will know what to do.

Good luck!