Am I the only stay at home mom with this problem?

Question

I am a stay at home mommy not only by choice but stay at home by default as well. I was in a terrible car accident 3 years ago that left me with nerve damage in my right arm and unable to work. I struggle with certain things and do house work at my own pace but ALWAYS, ALWAYS my home is spotless and little boy is healthy and happy. My husband works a good job, but financally we have been taken to our knees from my accident. (Still in litigation with the insurance company of the Tractor Trailer truck that hit me) I know that there is much stress in our marriage dealing with finances. Before the accident we always had. Now - we make it, but struggle. It just seems that my husband has no clue nor cares how hard I work making our house a home and raising our son. He comes home, does yard work occassionally and watches tv. Never really does anything to help, just tells me when 'the dryer went off'... or my son has a dirty diaper. He seems self-centered since my accident. Help?

Answer 1

I dont have any real answers for you. I am in the same situation. I have a nuerological disorder similiar to cp. I was in real good shape when I had my daughter who is now sixteen. My husband and I decided to have more children recently. There is an age gap of 13 and 15 years between my children. I know have three. One is 3 years old and one is 21 months old. My husband told me he would help. But, when comes home from work he sits on the couch and watches tv. Also, like your husband he does the yard work. My house is not spotless, but I try. I am doing all I can. Unless I specifically ask him to do something and then he seems put out, but he does it. I have talked to him about it. He says to just ask and he will do it. But, when I ask it is in a minute and that minute never comes or he does it, but you can tell he dont want too. I am much slower at getting things done and try my best to everything. When you come up with an answer let me know. My husband has never bathed the children. Although he does change a few diapers (very few). If I am away or something. He wants me the way I used to be. I will never be that. I know it causes me to resent him when I am so busy and frankly he sits on his ***. I dont know what to do. I do love him. I just dont know. Edit. I know I did not answer you question but I thought it might help to know you are not alone.

Answer 2

Well from my understanding with most of my friends and family almost ALL men are that way (sorry to say). I got very lucky and my husband is absolutely wonderful. I am a stay at home mom myself. I homeschool 3 of my 4 children too. I have not been in an accident I stay at home for my kids education and because my son has lots of emotional issues. Like I said my husband is absolutely wonderful we struggle financially a lot, but God always looks out for us. He can work all day (and he works a labor job) and he will still come home and help me with the kids and the house. I wish I knew why most ALL men are the total opposite of my dear husband, but I know I am a very out spoken person and if my husband was like the typical man I would just have to tell him quick that he would help me or I would be gone. A man that works does work hard don't get me wrong I believe that but his job is only 8 to 10 hours a day 5 days a week and a woman's job a stay at home mother's job is 24 hours a day 7 days a week. So if we need help then we do we should not have to do it all by ourselves. People think that we do not have a job and our husbands do so we should not ask for help, but that is crap. We have more than one job when we stay at home and like I said it is continuous it never stops we don't have breaks none of that. So anyway I really am sorry to say that you are not the only one out there with that problem. There should definately be more men out there like my husband and not the other way around. I think my husband is a real man because he does help and I do not even have to ask for it he just does it because he knows my job is 24/7.

Answer 3

You need to look at this like a man, and for a man solving a problem is what's important.

Figure out what you want your husband to do that will make your life easier and make a list. Give your husband the list.

Don't talk to him, don't explain, believe me, guys don't want to hear it. If you want him to do laundry, take the time to set up two bins with whites and colors or however you want and organize it so he can't mess it up.

Give him grocery lists and let him get them on the way home, write down that he needs to mop the floor on Thursday, or that it's his job to wash the dishes.

Don't say, "well, he should just know," trust me guys don't know.

The level of squalor that's acceptable to a guy is not to most women. Give him the jobs, and then shut up about them. Don't complain if they don't get done when you want them done, as long as they get done that's good.

Pile on the work, but give him the freedom to do it as he pleases. Don't nag.

If the baby has a dirty diaper, or other immediate needs, that's totally different. That's something that needs to be done instantly so tell him he needs to change the baby. It won't hurt to wait for the commercial, but don't do it and get mad, even if you have to wait, let him do it when he's ready.

If you nag, or ask him to do things now, while his favorite TV show is on, or whatever you're becoming his Mother, that's a sure road to disaster.

Answer 4

Things like this can be stressful on a marriage. My father was in an accident and it bruised his brain causing him to be diasbled. He is not in a wheel chair or anything but he can't work or do anything thats too physically challenging. I know that things were finacially difficult in our family as well growing up and since my mom had to take care of my grandfather who was dying of cancer.
You should talk to him and let him know how you feel and that taking care of your son is hard work and if he thinks that you're not doing anything all day then he's wrong.He should be helping out I mean why doesn't he want to get the clothes from the dryer? because it's work and you have been doing stuff like that all day. I really suggest talking to him and let him know that you need a break every now and then.
I hope this helps, take care of yourself

Answer 5

I always wondered on that SAHP salary they put out, why they figured it for more than 40 hours per week, since I would say my husband and I do a pretty good job at keeping it equal after each of our "40 hour" work week. Sounds like in your case its not, that you do the 40+ and he doesnt.

First what you should talk about is priorities. Does he care if the house is spotless? Neither I or my husband do. And unless we're having people over, it never will be. Im guessing he does care about clean clothes, and a healthy and happy child, so first work on the things that are both of your priorities to divide the labor, and leave off the things that cause any extra stress.

Answer 6

My husband was that way. He was in the Navy and I was a stay at home mom of a newborn and 19month old when I first started staying home. Daycare was just going to be too expensive for us with 2 kids. Anyway... It'll get better. Eventually he'll realize that you're doing a good thing!! It just takes time!

Answer 7

Most men are clueless when it comes to what it actually takes to run a household, even BEFORE a child. I do not know the age of your child or children, but regardless your husband is taking YOU for granted.
The saying no one knows what I do until I stop doing it - is VERY true in the case of stay at home mothers. I work from home, but my husband referred to me as a stay at home mom - as if that were ANY EASIER I said.
Anyways, my husband and I argued about 'chores' and responsibility and general attitudes towards child raising etc. He had the belief that child caring is ALL women's work, period. I have a different opinion. My son has TWO parents and TWO caregivers, Mom AND Dad. Dad MUST help every night. Granted my husband does not take over caring for our son when he gets home, but we have a weekly chore list. Monday he has to feed the baby his bottle and put him to bed, Tues he has to bath and dress the baby. Wednesday he has to cook dinner and do bottles, Thursday vacuum living room, Friday bath him etc. The big deal with my husband was he needed to be able to KNOW what the expectation was when he arrived home. Such like, he can do whatever he wants after he does the duty. If he knows that the schedule is, he was much better with that - versus my insisting please help me. That comment was just too open ended for him to grasp. But once we sat down and worte out everything I do for the child and house after work hours, he was able to select shores for himself.
We have been using the schedule for over a month now and have HARMONY in our house.
I can count on him to do certain items,and he can relax after he does his honeydo list. Everyone is happy and slowing my husband is getting MORE comfortable caring for our son. He was a bit timid at first
Hope this idea helps, hang in there.

Answer 8

I would say that you are not by far the only stay at mom that has run into this problem. It seems now days men expect women to do everything around the house and the things you do are not appreciated. They feel they have more control since they are the ones who bring home the money. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I went through something like this when I had my first child w/ my honey. I had just had my daughter and I have a blood disorder that is kind of like hemophilia that makes it hard for me to heal and if I start to blead from a cut or a period I blead an abnormal amount, but about four months after we started arguing alot and he would come home and try to act like he was the "BOSS." It actually got to the point to where I moved out for 6 months. That time just made him realize that when he had our daughter that it was a full time job and trying to take care of the house at the same time was really hard. He actually asked me to move back in, and we are just as in love as ever, but I think that time apart did us alot of good.

Answer 10

I am sorry about your accident and that other things in your life are not great.

Did you husband help with anything before your accident? changing your son's diaper is a father's responsibility, too, if he is around your son and notices he needs his diaper changed. Have you tried to talk with your husband and explain how hard this is on you? If you have a hard time expressing yourself, try writing notes to help you tell your husband how you feel and what you need from him. If you can not do this in a conversation, write him a love letter and tell him, not only how much you love and appreciate him, but how much you need him right now. Be specific and put your heart in it. He may simply not understand. What is obvious to you, and to me, may not be so obvious to him.