Need advice BAD! am I wrong and being selfish?

Question

Long story short, I'm supposed to be married 7/21/07 I swear, ever since the day those invitations went in the mail me "fiance" has been making me hate him. He's been sneaking out to bars with his friends then he planned his friend (who I hate), his bachelor party on my fiance's birthday (our first married one together) then he's making me go the wedding of this guy I hate on my 30th. He's been lying and drinking all the time and he's acting like no one matters but his friends and I always come last. My bridal shower is on Saturday and I'd rather die than go at this point. I have no clue what I should do about this wedding. He's making me feel lower than dirt. Is it me? should I put up with this or am I just being overly sensitive and selfish? advice, please. Thanks a lot.

P.S. I did talk to him and tell him I'm scared and he can't wait to do this. I've given him several chances for an out and he really really wants to get married. I'm betting this is just how he's gonna act forever.

LMAO no I'm turning 30 he's 39 years old! 39 and still going to bars! okay I'm done with the comments now.

Answer 1

It sounds like you had the wrong talk. You had the, "are you sure you want to get married" talk when you should have had the "what the hell is up with you?" talk.
He could just be nervous but that doesn't excuse lying and sneaking around. Those behaviors are unacceptable and you're right to worry that this is how he's going to remain after you're married.
I hate to say it but if it were me, I'd postpone the wedding until you can get to the bottom of this behavior. At 39 he should be mature enough to be able to talk to you about his fears etc.

Answer 2

It sounds as though your fiance feels that this marriage is indeed a jail sentence and not the wonderful relationship it can be.
He fears his freedom is about to be taken away & he's making the most of the time he has left. He has some maturing to do. I'd have thought that by 30, he'd have dome most of it.

When he is sober and neither of you are stressed, sit him down with him & tell him how you feel. If he doesn't give you the answers that reassure you that he r-e-a-l-l-y does want to marry you & spend the rest of his life with you, postpone the wedding, or call it off entirely.
It's much better to suffer the heartache now than to have to go through a divorce. It is MUCH worse, a VERY emotional draining that you can't imagine. Even for those who come to this mutual decision and part amicably.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Reading over this I got incredibly confused--especially regarding the parties on what days because if you aren't married then who is planning what on your fiance's birthday? Anyway, I don't think this is about him wanting an out or you being terribly scared. I think you want out and you want him to do the dirty work for you. If you really don't like the person he's behaving as now and don't trust that it will change then there's no point in going forward with the wedding.

Answer 4

No, darling, He's behaving badly. Very badly I would add. No. you shouldn't put up with this disrespectful behavior - not now or ever.

Perhaps he just doesn't have what it takes to tell you he's not ready for marriage, so he's "acting out" in some immature hope that you will break off with him.

So, do just that - Better call off this marriage - and break up with fiance. He's obviously not grown up yet.

Darling it is far, far better to have spent some money and call it off - than to go through with something you don't want - only to divorce shortly thereafter.

Speak with fiance - calmly and quietly. Mention that you have noticed a change in his behavior and want to know if he really wants to get married. Tell him how hurt you feel when he does things that you find unacceptable - and that he doesn't appear to care about your feelings.

Then allow him the opportunity to come clean and admit that he's having second thoughts about getting married - to anyone - not just married to you -

Gosh. I'm sorry that it's come to this - but this guy isn't ready for marriage. Perhaps he never will be.

But don't waste any more time and money on this. You will end up sadder then, than you are now.

Answer 5

I dont think this is normal. At least I've never heard of this kind of behavior before a wedding. Sure everybody gets nervous, but the constant partying and sneaking around concerns me. If he is sneaking out to bars, there is no telling what else he is sneaking around doing and this should raise a serious red flag in yoru head. It may be time to sit down quietly at the kitchen table and discuss if this marriage is really what you both want. But you need to do this sooner rather than later, like tonight. This may take a few days to sort through to get to the ending answer, but you need to be open and honest, dont let him say appeasing things just to shut you up, that will make you feel even worse than you do now.

Good luck, I hope it works out in your favor.

Answer 6

Well...there's a few possibilities here, and I'd tread carefully in case you latch onto the wrong one. It's possible that he's going through a sow-the-oats selfish phase that will die down once you're married. Or, it's possible that he realizes that you hate his friends (not a good sign, by the way) and is latching on to them so that everyone (including you) knows that he isn't going to drop them as soon as he's married. Or, he could have been like this all along and you never noticed, and it won't change. Or, you could have cold feet yourself and you might be seeing things that aren't there, or making a big deal out of things that are pretty trivial. For example, expecting you to go to his friend's wedding, even if its on your birthday, is not a big deal in my opinion. You could always leave early to go out and do something different. It might also be nice to go somewhere nice, dress up, and have some slow dances on your birthday.

You need to determine what's causing this behavior. Sit down and talk with him about it. Then you need to make a decision. If he isn't going to change and you know you can't live like this, then you need to call off the wedding. The cost of losing your deposits is nothing compared to the cost of a divorce, so don't let money be a motivation to still go through with it. The gamble is in if he's going to change or not, and what chances you want to take on that.

Since the wedding is so close, you might want to consider postponing the wedding. In fact, this might be your best option. Cold feet is natural. Feeling lower than dirt is not. Postponing the wedding would give you time to access whether these actions will stop.

Answer 7

No woman should put up with that junk. I would start with your bday and opt not go to the wedding. Your birthday should be fun for you. It's not like you'd be missing a family member's wedding.

Evaluate whether or not you want to put up with someone who lies and drinks all the time. The odds are he will not quit just because you get married. It's a lot easier to make the decision to leave now before you are legally joined together.

If you do decide that you want to stay together with him then I would recommend counseling to get through your problems. (Although it would be more fun to play with him the way that he is with you...for instance, go out drinking responsibly with your girlfriends...margaritas anyone?). But of course, the adult thing to do would be counseling to seriously try and save your relationship.

Answer 8

Talk to him about it - it sounds like you're both getting a little bit of cold feet. Also, it could be his way of packing in bachelorhood while he still can, but that doesn't make it right. Just try to be clear with him that you want to spend this time with him and ask him why he's doing this. The conversation is really important since you're going to be married, and this behavior *could* continue after your wedding.

Side note: don't be too upset about going to the wedding of a friend of his, even if it's someone you don't like. Since you have a wedding coming up (and this friend of his is probably invited) it's just good manners to go. Also, who else is your fiancee going to take? Is it fair to expect him to go alone? Be his date and if the reception sucks see if you can leave after dinner. But, don't be too upset about going - it's part of the engagement/marriage package deal, and eventually he'll have to return the favor to you :)

Answer 9

You are not being selfish.
You are concerned as you should be. You probably feel like poop and are wondering what kind of husband this guy is going to make.

What I am thinking is that he is having his last bit of fun with his friends before his life sentence of marriage (as many men think of it). He knows the invitations are out and you are too much of a coward to call off the wedding so you have no choice but to put up with it.

But this is not the case, take your life into your own hands. If he is just scared and trying to get last minute partying out of his system give him the time to do that - just postpone the wedding. I know it's embarrassing and people will talk and you paid for certian things but this is a life decision - THE MOST important life decision. So make sure it is the right one.

Tell him it seems like he is not ready yet and you are willing to give him the time to figure things out and you can still be engaged but you would like 6 more months to make sure you BOTH want this.

email me if you need more support. Good Luck!

Answer 10

Sounds like his afriad of getting married and just using his friends as a way to not think about it, but for someone to do this before your even married is the wrong type of person to be with. You have just found out the real person behind the seens with things get to hard on a person about to get married. Now everyone is not perfect, but you both need to sit done and talk about your feelings and why he wants to go out with his friends all the time. If worse comes to worse and he does not care to talk about it, then that is your chance to brake up the this relationship now then let it get anyworse. LIke the big word DIVORCE BAD IDEA. I just want to add I have been married for over 5 years now me and my wife know each others bad habits or what he hate about each other, but we love each other as if we first met. Its all about communication, understanding, trust and respect that will make any marriage work out. In the end with that your marraige will just end up with fighting with one another and trying adding that with kids.