Why doesn't anything work when disciplining my eight year old son?

Question

We have an 8 year old boy He is very bright, but he thinks he is smarter than we are. If I tell him some information he will come at me as if I am lying. We decided to home school the 2nd half this year, he has improved over many things. But when I assign him work he decides it's not what he is suppose to be doing. He honestly believes that his job in life is to irritate and cause trouble with the family (he saw this on TV and lives by it.) He can be very sensitive, and often has emotional breakdowns, but it is confused with extreme whining. We spend lots of time with him, but he requires more than anyone else in the home. We have 3 other children(girls). His new belief is that he is superior not only to his parents, but over women and other races. My husband and I are not this way. I think this idea may coming from another family member that he he does not see very often but has a strong influence on him, what this person says is gold. We are very consistent, nothing breaks the cycle

Answer 1

This is a really difficult situation, and I know that things are really extreme if you've started hs'ing. [I am a hs mom, by the way.] If his behavior has improved by being at home more, then you are definitely on the right track. Here are some ideas that might help:
1. Do NOT let him have ANY contact with this other family member that is wrongly influencing him.
--Also, consider why it is that your son does not see him often but considers what he says to be of such great value. Just in casual conversation, here and there, point out things that you admire in people and things that put others in a category that you would not admire. When someone says something you agree or disagree with, just in passing say something like, "I really respected Mr. Snow's opinion on our lawn - his lawn looks great and always has." Or say, "Shelly said that her boss isn't very nice, but she also said that she is late to work every single day. Hmmm, wonder if those two things are connected." Over time, your son will begin to realize that the things people say must be judged by how they live. If you make enough little comments, it will change your son's attitudes.
2. Be very very careful about what your son watches on tv. We don't watch much. Before watching movies I check them out at pluggedin.com, and they list every single positive and negative on there. We do not watch shows that have more than just a couple of bad words, we don't watch things that have anyone behaving extremely badly, we don't watch shows with body humor, or shows that are just that nonstop idiotic behavior that seems so popular these days.
3. The sensitivity and superior thinking can be dealt with by finding ways for him to get his mind off himself.
--Have him serve other people. Comment on how nice it feels to do something nice for others.
--Teach him to work. He should work beside you plus have his own daily chore chart, and he should work every single day. When he learns to do things well around the house, this will improve his attitude about everything.
--NEVER reward his sensitivity. You can ignore it, send him to his room, punish him in some way - but NEVER give him what he wants when he has whined or been sensitive. The world is NOT kind to sensitive, self-centered people.
4. Probably the biggest problem I see is that he is not obeying you. This is at the very heart of the problem. He is still frequently exerting his will over yours, and is winning.
--When he disobeys, he needs to be spanked. Every every every single time. He should not be spanked for other things - only disobedience. If you are thinking, "I can't get him to do chores," then that is an indication that he is not obeying. Any time he does not do what you have told him to do, the first time, you need to spank him. Know ahead of time what you will do [what you will say and how many swats you will give], and that will take the decision-making problem away.

This problem is not going to go away by itself. You need to do some severe work with this kid, even if you end up doing other things like taking ALL his belongings away and having him earn them back. 8 is about the oldest age that you can get rid of these problems w/o more serious work.

Answer 2

This is extreme advice I am about to give. Some might think I am over-doing it...but hear me out.

If a child thinks he is unaccountable for his actions/behaviors thoughts/beliefs then maybe an outside source such as a drill sargent or jailer should give him a lesson.

A few months ago a single mom I worked with had this situation with her child...he called his mom a slut and a second rate citizen...said her reason for living was to spread her legs for a man ~ he was ten. He openly used the words ****** and flaming jew. She was beside herself, she had no idea where he was getting this influence.

I set up an appointment for him to meet some people at the prision. The jailer had a few prisioners who were doing time for hate crimes and crimes to women. These men were part of a program to curb youth violence. They (prisioners) talked with the boy and "laid it out on the line" that if he continues to act/behave this way "here" was where he was headed.

Now, the boy cried from time to time while they were talking to him...he was probably even a little scared. But in the end, he has been showing his mother respect and his grades have improved. The last nine weeks of school he made the B honor roll....a far cry from where he was the nine weeks before.

That is an exteme case where many people were involved. If you think he needs that type of intervention there are programs that will help.

Good luck!!!

Answer 3

You are describing my five year old son. Totally pushy, forceful and totally sensitive. He falls apart at the drop of a hat while kicking, screaming and making everyone a bit miserable.

I believe you might have a child with adhd, not that you have to medicate him or anything. Sometimes you need some help, maybe even some group counseling for yourself so that you feel like your not alone. It can be so hard. Punishing these kinds of kids is not like punishing a normal rambunctious child. These little guys test you to the very end. Yes is no and no is yes. The slightest thing they think affects you, it will be used against you. Sometimes you won't even know what hit you.

Go get him tested, get some support, it isn't TV or that other family member, per say. take it from me. One child has ADHD, the other has Asperger syndrome/bipolar disorder. Neither is medicated but there are ways to deal with this behavior that is different from ways that others use.

Answer 4

I am sorry to hear that you are not really enjoying parenting this difficult son. He seems to enjoy challenging you.

It also seems to me that he believes the world revolves around him. While it is not unusual for eight year olds to want the world to revolve around them, you can not allow that attitude. I'm surprised your other children don't start acting up and causing problems so they get attention. It seems to work for this one. I think home schooling only enforces this. You are designing your life around him. The trained educators understand children and have seen it all. They will not be emotional involved when they enforce rules and demand respect. They will not make allowances for one child, as it should be, because that is the way of the world. While we like to think our children are the brightest and most sensitive children in the world, they aren't. Each child has his own skills and talents so exposure to the other children, and tolerance of them, is beneficial.

I would make him earn every privilege, i.e. TV, movies, computer time, special toys, little trips (zoo, playground), to make him aware that you provide everything for him, therefore you, adults, are in charge, not him, an eight year old. If he is disrespectful, he will go to his room. If he does not stay on the task assigned , he will not watch any TV for the rest of the day. If he talks negatively about women or people of other races, he will do additional chores around the house. Some children work better on the reward system rather than punishment. Treat all of the extra little things that he absolutely does not need as privileges and use them as rewards.

I hope you will be able to work with a guidance counselor or child psychologist to set up a program to get this little boy back on track in becoming a delightful human being that will be a responsible adult and a joy to be around.

Answer 5

You DEFINITELY need to keep him away from this family member that you speak of. Also, monitor the tv that he watches and don't allow anything that could influence him badly. Really, there is little on TV that isn't bad nowadays, so you'll have to be strict about that. I'd only allow 1 hour of monitored TV watching a day, or so.

I also agree very much with SusanF, that you should make him earn all of his privledges. Always reward him for good behavior.

Do you have him in church? That would also be a good idea, to take him on Sundays. Since he's homeschooled, he can get interaction with other children there. He could also have a life-changing experience there. If you get him into a good bible-based church, He will hear about Jesus and possibly accept him into his life. If he did that, that would change him FOR SURE! :)

Answer 6

oh my goodness, this was my son too. He is 14 and it didn't get better. His behavior was obvious though. His dad left us when he was 5, saying he was "too young to be married and a father" and for some time had nothing to do with him. Then he decided he should be a part time dad (influenced by his own mother because she wanted to get my son away from me) but when his mother lost that battle, he again had nothing to do with my son. When my son started middle school his behavior took a turn for the worse, and he was kicked out of one school, but we worked quickly and had him diagnosed with ADHD (not completely the right diagnosis, but close and easy to get everyone to sign off on) so that he could get a lot of help and continue going to school. His therapist and school social worker decided that he should start contact back with his dad, and we learned that much of his behavior comes from a thought that if he lived with his dad, his life would be perfect. Most recently his therapist has worked it so that he can live with his dad but still be under my custody so that he can learn that he will have to do chores and follow rules no matter where he lives. So far (one month) he still acts like he's on vacation, but I just talked with his dad and we agree that my son is still just trying to prove his point to me. I kind of figure that it will take until he starts school there next fall. But in any case, I don't know why he really started acting like he does, and I don't know how to make it stop. I like some of the ideas others have already suggested, and other ideas I can pretty much guess won't work, after having tried them myself.

The best advice I can pass along is to get as much therapy as possible. If you don't click with the therapist, keep looking, some are easier to talk to than others! A friend who is outside your household (not as invested in him as you) whose shoulder you can cry on, and even who will listen to you scream and yell if you need to! It sounds like you have a good family support system so that helps too. And keep that consistency. Even though you may not see immediate results, the same response every time will have some effect at least.

Answer 7

I too, have an 8 year old son, and three daughters. I think there are several things to look at (regarding TV, and home-schooling) but right up front - how are you disciplining him? I don't think it is 'unnatural' for kids that age to start questioning what we are telling them. As a matter of fact, when my son thinks I am telling him something that is untrue .. I will take him to the library and/or look it up on the internet and show him that it is true. Why did you decide to 'home-school' only half a year? And what is your TV watching policy? Are certain channels blocked now since he saw something inappropriate? Let me know .. I'd love to help shed light on any or all of this if I can. ;-)

Answer 8

Sounds like it's time for tough love. If he's heavily influenced from the TV and a family member it's time to take these things away. Try having a heart to heart with him and see if something else is going on. It's gonna be hard but only him to entertain himself with books, he will act out, but learn to understand that there are consequences with everything. He has been given too much control.

Answer 9

You mentioned your son saw this annoying habit on TV and wishes to live by it - but you also state you believe he has been influenced by another family member... which is it...
Anyway, toss the TV out - you do NOT need a TV. Your main focus is your children's education. Stick to what works. When he disobeys - discipline him (take privileges away from him). Tell him "I am the PARENT - NOT you! You will do as I say and that's it!!!"

Answer 10

I am a child of 5. 4 girls, one boy he's the second oldest but he did have a lot of issues when he was younger--he didn't have that many GOOD men influences at home but he did have them. He loved his teachers at church, he was in a sort or boy scout thing, and it took him a while, but he got better. If you give him more good influences of how men should act--tell him ,"That's how men should act;THAT'S what's good, son." and don't settle for less around him, enforcing these good influences everyday even if it's a good movie (like "Facing the Giants", "Flywheel", or other movies that show how men should or shouldn't act.) He'll get better :D. I hope you'll get a better relationship with your son --God Bless, Cora V.