my mother has been drinking all her life and well when i was 10 i was tooken away from her. she was just diadgnosed with pancreatic cancer and only has a few months to live. my uncle which whom i live with and my father think that i shouldnt see her like this and i should just remember her as how she was when i was growing up. i need help.. should i see her even though her chemo has changed her look drastically and i will remember her like that for the rest of my life? or should i just talk to her on the phone until she dies and remember her that way? idk what to do help please?
2007-06-07 01:09:34 · 11 answers · asked by Carmel Lee 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Cancer can drastically change how a person looks. But for the rest of your life you'll remember your relationship with your Mom more than how she looked. You have to decide for yourself how you'll feel about seeing her in such a state. When my father died I didn't want to go to the viewing but the funeral home did a horrible make up job and to me it didn't look like him. The fact that I wasn't seeing him how I knew him to look helped me accept his death a little better. But everyone's different.
How close are you to your Mom? Before she got sick did you spend a lot of time with her? Before going to see her, imagine what she might look like and feel how you think it might make you feel. Remember that your Mom is not her looks she is the spirit inside her body. If you've been able to talk to her about things and you've developed a close and loving relationship your memories will be about the love you have with her.
It may also be that she asked your father and uncle not to let you come because she's afraid of how you'll react. Maybe talk to her on the phone and tell her you don't know what to do. She might be able to help you decide. Your father and uncle are trying to protect you but you're the only one who will know how you'll handle it.
Whatever you decide to do, try to spend this time getting to know your Mom better. Whatever questions you might have about why she did things the way she did, ask her about them. Talk to her and listen to her and tell her about your hopes and dreams. She may have some good advice for you. And once she's gone she'll be watching over you to help you realize all those dreams. This is a sad time but it's also a special time. You know you have only a finite period of time left with her. Use it well, develop the love that is there and you'll have a lifetime of special memories to hold onto.
2007-06-07 01:50:42 · answer #1 · answered by innerradiancecoaching 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I might not have the perfect words to say...but I have been there! Roles just reversed....I the mother and my son at the age of 16 diagnosed with a rare type form of cancer. He is alive and well today..he is 26! This is a tough call......but if yoiu love her mother, she is going to need all the support in the world right now. I can imahine your uncle and father have your best intentions at heart. But the decision most come from you. Are you prepared to deal with the after thought " IF ONLY I HAD GONE AND SEEN HER?" I cannot imagine goling through another cancer scare and leaving the one I love alone going through treatments. It is hard enough for them....but so much more easier knowing that someone is there for you,,, holding your hand. If it were me...I could never stay away. regardless, of how she is now....that doesn't matter..she is your mother. You are always going to remember what she was like before she got sick...no matter what. This is something you are going to have live with...so make your own decision....I WOULD BE BY MY MOTHERS SIDE........NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAID TO ME.
My prayers are with you!
2007-06-07 08:19:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Go to her! There is no relationship in the world like a mother and daughter, even though she may have made mistakes in her life, you will, believe me, regret it if you do not go and speak with her, tell her your feelings and let her tell you hers. It is better to clear things up, than to wonder the rest of your life, what would have happened if only I would have........
I had this happen and I am so happy I got to talk with her before I lost her. I have no regrets only love for her and I know she loved me also, no matter what the circumstances were in the past, it is what today brings that matters.
Best of Luck and your in my thoughts and prayers!
2007-06-07 09:22:25 · answer #3 · answered by karenpghblue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a hard road. My mother passed away when I was 22 due to breast cancer. There is no easy answer to this question but I would suggest doing what you feel you can live with. If you feel you can live without regret, not seeing her one more time- then be true to that (maintain contact with her though, she needs it despite the past) then perhaps your uncle and father are right. If you feel you need to see her again- do it for you and for her.
I wish you luck and my thoughts go out to you.
2007-06-07 08:24:19 · answer #4 · answered by sesro1978 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry. I lost my mother recently from ovarian cancer and we didn't have the greatest relationship either. This is a tough question because of the relationship you had with your mother, but I feel that you will regret not seeing her and spending time with her before she dies. Once she is gone, she is gone and never coming back. Regardless of how things were when you were growing up, she is your mom and you only get one birth mom in this life. God bless.
2007-06-07 08:41:04 · answer #5 · answered by WVPV07 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't listen to them. What you remember from your childhood is that your mother is a drunk and couldn't raise you. You have an opportunity here to put that right. Mothers are humans and full of human failings. I'm sure that your mother wanted you and wanted to be a mother for you, but just wasn't strong enough. You need to spend every moment with her so you can to allow this to be resolved both for her and for you. When she's gone, she's gone but your feelings will not be. Tell her now everything you want to say to her and make sure that you also tell her that despite it all, you love her. Let her love you back.
2007-06-07 08:16:44 · answer #6 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My mother-in law died 7 years ago from cancer and I would not have changed a thing about seeing her the way she was. And I think it meant alot to her that we cared that much about her not to give up on her when she needed the support the most. be there for her. do things for her because she will be weak. let her know how much you love her. just sit with her so she is not along. spend as much time with her as you can.
2007-06-07 11:18:27 · answer #7 · answered by w_sandlin 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do what your heart tells you! its sad that at such young age you have to make this difficult decision. I could only tell you what worked for me when my Grandpa was passing away from Fibrosis of the Lungs. I was with him day and night, talking to him find out as much as I can about him and telling him every minute of the hour how much he met to me, during this time my family (older sister) told me I was an unfit mom because I was not paying attention to my boys. I didn't care! Grandpa needed me and he was on his last days! I was there with him until the end, saw him catching his last breath. But, honestly I wouldn't trade any of my tears and pain because I was there and I do have peace to seeing him leave us and for him to go to a better place that one day will meet him. This helped me for me not to feel guilty!! of not being there with him and to have all kinds of regrets! for not having the time to ask him something that was bother me. Spend all the time with your mom! help her, talk to her, kiss her, ask all the questions you want, make memories! with her right now that she is still here! let her know that you love her and always! always will because she needs to heard this from you. My heart goes out to her and to you, please let us know if I could help you!! I have two boys and one is about your age.
2007-06-07 12:54:50 · answer #8 · answered by alma c 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless she's asking to see you, I agree that you should remember her as she was. You don't want ugly memories of her in your head for the rest of your life. If you feel the need to say goodbye to her than do it but know that it will stay with you forever.
2007-06-07 08:14:25 · answer #9 · answered by ksmith716 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Go see her, baby girl. Your life has been hard enough.
2007-06-07 08:27:27 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋