Tell me sincerely ---the experienced ones?

Question

In a joint family, the mother in law & the daughter in-law always have grudges. Who is usually right and why? whom do you side in general? Plz mention yourself a guy or gal.

Answer 1

First, mother-in-laws or mothers, need to stay OUT of the business of their children's marriage.

If the daughter-in-law is having conflict with her mother-in-law, then the wife (daughter-in-law) needs to talk to her husband about what is happening. After the conversation, the husband then should speak to his mother about the problems that are coming into his household and work directly with his mother. Same if you were having a problem with your wife's mother. It would be your wife's responsibility to speak with her mother.

I believe in "round table" discussions with everyone involved sitting down and calmly discussing the issues at the kitchen table. I find that when every one gets together, then the facts are out in the open. Set rules indicating no fighting, no name calling etc. This works out well because there is none of "she said this and I said this" and who knows what was said. But at the table ... it all comes out.

Good luck.

Patty
Female
Almost 60!

Answer 2

My M-I-L is psychotic when it comes to my relationship with her son - and it is not just me that thinks so!!!!!! We get everything from her bombarding me with abusive phone calls at three a.m, sending eight-page long, double sided letters full of abuse about me and my family, expecting my fiance to drop everything and travel 200 miles at a day's notice or less because she has had an argument with his younger brother(who is 17), expecting him to cancel birthday/anniversary/christmas plans at the last minute that we have had for months then having a tantrum and barraging me with yet more abuse when he says no (claiming that I'M the controlling one!!!!!!), having tantrums or refusing to speak to us (or let his 12 year old sister talk to us) if we do anything with my family (we live with my mum, the majority of both sides of my family live within a five mile radius of each other about half an hour drive from where we live, so we meet up with my family a lot, whereas his family are all spread out and hardly ever get together).........the list goes on and on, this is only the most minor stuff that she does!
Through all of this over the last three and a half years,I have tried to stay calm - I didn't even tell him half of what she was doing for the first two years, but then he found out how she has been treating me and he has been an absolute star. I now tell him straight away whenever she says or does anything, but I try not to slag her off because she is still his mother. It is difficult, but what the silly cow doesn't realise is that the more she tries to drive a wedge between us, the closer we get.

Answer 3

Personally I get on great with my mother-in-law but then she knows I treat her son right and he is the happiest he has ever been while he is with me. I think there are only rucks if the mother doesn't agree with what the daughter in law is doing and then the hubby gets stuck in the middle. I talk to my mother in law and if I don't agree with her then I tell her so and don't use my hubby as a "go-between". Sometimes she sees my side and sometimes I see hers. I am not the sort to bear grudges anyway and neither is she.

Answer 4

I'm an anglo guy and as far as I'm concerned, if you are talking about your wife and your mother then your wife is the one you should always side with. Why? Because you choose her to be your wife and you have to support her in all ways. You didn't choose your mother but you do need to respect her. It's not an easy balance but when you get it right it's perfect!

May be a good idea to tell your mother that you are going to support your wife regardless. Mothers tend to accept lots from sons but little from daughter's in law.

Answer 5

I am a fifty year old woman.
Both are women and they are emotional creatures who will think with their hearts instead of their heads. Consult your father and discuss the issue openly with him. --he will instil some sense in your mother's head .
If this is out of the question you be very firm and tell them both that they are spoiling your peace of mind and that they have to tolerate each other.
Put down the rule that they should not communicate with each other unnecessarily---no warm chitchats please! when the mood takes them
we women are talkative and will tend to keep on and on.Silence is certainly golden Seethat there is not too much of transaction between the two.
Your mother should either take total responsibility of the kitchen or totally stay out of it.
I do not know your case but kitchen is a potential area of controversy anywhere between two women. If it isvalid, then take some firm action in this area.
Next, , keep both women out of financial matters and you take the decision. Too much of democracy will end up in your baldness.
If it is children please tell your mother tha she should not lecture your wife.
'HA HA, big deal! wonderful wife he has got ;as though I have not seen children in my life' --these will be her tantrums and comments ; but be very firm and tell her gently not to interfere.
Similarly your wife should also not have expectations from them.Tell her that.
You need to be firm
.If you have a good understanding with your father ,nothing like it. Level headed males are what these women require.Modern girls may not agree but educated intelligent girls will know that fairness is important in any situation and men are less emotional than women.

I write all this because you have mentioned that it is a joint family and I believe you are from India.

Answer 6

I am a woman. If it is your wife and mother, then generally, you would side with your wife in front of others. She is your partner now, and you place her needs and wishes above everyone else's. But, in private, if you had issues with her side of things, it would be paramount that you discuss these with her so as to try and calm the waters to find a harmonious way to get along. If you live with parents and the in-laws cannot seem to get along, then move out of the house and find your own living arrangements.

Answer 7

I am a woman and I disagree with some of the answers that you have gotten. This answer is a depending on the situation one.

What happened and is either one of them out of line? Is your mother jealous, controlling, rude or cruel to your wife?

Is your wife just not interested in making room in her life for your family?

If either one of them is seriously hurting over this you need to get involved because I guarantee that your wife if really hurt feels that if you do nothing it means that you don't care about her or that your mother is right and that may not be the case at all.

Make sure you go to your wife first.

Answer 8

A gal---Me and mother in law get along well---I try not to put my husband in the middle because your Mom is always your Mom-but when you marry, you and your spouse are supposed to be as one----It's not a matter of who's right or wrong----What's fair to all parties

Answer 9

I'm a guy. I don't side with anyone, I didn't live this long by taking sides concerning grudges. Let them settle it like grown folk and as a grown folk, you should know better than to take sides.

Happy grudges.

Answer 10

My mother in law (MIL) lives with us, and we do clash on occasion.

Mainly because we are polar opposites ... I like things put away and off the counters, she likes it when she can see every pot and pan on the countertop. I like my garden and yard landscaped, she likes her garden with lots of statutes and little hanging things off the trees. I scrimp and save every paycheck to build our nest egg, she blows every paycheck on whatever she sees (she's a compulsive shopper), then wants to borrow money from us.

Do we clash? Oh yeah, like a resounding gong sometimes lol. But we both realize that we love the same man (her son, my husband) and we both adore my two kids. So we learn to bite our tongues and let go of the unimportant stuff.