What if your parents are ashamed of you?

Question

Since I was a child I've been the odd man out, the adopted red headed child in a family of dark haired people, the tall one surrounded by average people, the philosopher amongst fundamentalists, the rude one among those who never dared rock the boat except with passive agressive anger and superficial happiness. Now that I'm an adult I'm still embarrassing my parents. I don't have a job, I have mental illness, but rather than even try to understand, they say everything's fine yet the get so mad whenever I do anything out of the ordinary, are so touchy when I bring up the past, don't want to hear what I have to say, don't answer my questions, don't respond when I send them pics of my trips, my kid, my wife. Why would a parent say everything's fine, yet by their actions show they don't want anything to do with you, and when confronted deny everything despite being caught in the lie before?

Answer 1

You have a wife, you have a child, you have a life...why are you obsessing over the past when your future looks so bright?

Let your parents be your parents. They don't answer your questions because they don't have answers for you. You yourself said you are unlike them...so how can you possibly expect them to answer questions they more than likely don't understand why you are asking?

Your past, no matter what, can't change - but you can shape your future, by letting go of things you can't change. Appreciate the fact that they at the very least, having adpoted you, gave you a better life than you would have had...and let go of the mistakes you feel they made..

Next time, don't ask them to explain something about the past, ask them what they thought of the picture of your child doing whatever cute thing it is he or she is doing.

Start new.

Answer 2

i think u r more ashamed of urself than ur parents. ur parents probably just want u to live the life that ur okay with and want to help u because u sound like u've had a lil problems in ur family. be proud by making other people proud of u, that is what ur parents raise you for, to make them proud and to gain the joy of making you happy. why else would they adopt you for? make you work at a sweat shop or something?? i don't think so. as for the past stuff, COMPLETELY forget about it! the past doesn't matter it doesn't matter how much wrong and how much right has been done to you and that you have done! the PRESENT is what matters the most! Be happy and show them that you are happy and there will be nothing wrong with that. if they have any more problems and directly tell you that you don't like your lifestyle, tell them that it's your life! if you have a problem talk to a counselor or talk to a friend, it doesn't matter. DO SOMETHING, it isn't okay if nothing changes! if they ignore you, you don't need them! if they're not proud that ur happy the way they are then they are not a very good family! thats my train of thought

Answer 3

I am 56 and it STILL bugs me to a point that MY mom treated ME exactly as you were treated as a kid---however, what I did was realize LONG ago that there was NOTHING I could do to change the way SHE was, so I changed MYSELF.... I didn't let her rantings and ravings bother me any more---I learned to let them just roll off my back and out of my mind... I told myself every day that I was a MUCH better person then SHE was willing to give me credit for... and believe it or not, I turned out to be a pretty darn happy, well adjusted person---something SHE has NEVER been. Rise above what your parents think---they are only two people in a world of MILLIONS....you probably suffer that mental illness because of the low self esteem issues your parents gave you while growing up.... I also had self esteem issues but once I was able to basically IGNORE what my mom did or said about me, the better my self confidence became ... I spent a lifetime foolishly being afraid of that woman---and once that fear subsided, the damn broke and all those pent up feelings flew out and disappeared.... recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal illness.... it further enhanced my feelings of self confidence----it was like for once I had something that was ALL MINE---she couldn't take it away from me...AND there was NOTHING she could do about it---and for some reason THAT alone made it easier for me to accept my fate.... I am having a ball living my life now---every day is a true gift.... every day I wake up I am HAPPY and every day, I think how lucky I have been to have risen above the adversities of my life and now accept them as all part of what made me the woman I am today...and I am PROUD of myself and you should be proud of YOURSELF too... just forget about how your parents act and accept that you cannot change them and love them because they gave you LIFE and just don't get into the tough stuff with them---they seem to like the superficial side of life and that is where they choose to stay.... so be it.....

Answer 4

Well, according to your impeccable grammar, it doesn't sound like you have a "mental illness"! But back to the point... Perhaps it is time you let them go, do not focus on pleasing them, it must be obvious by now that nothing will please them. They probably just feel awkward that you are so different and they don't know how to act around you, they don't know how to love you, how to accept you and yet they don't want to completely disown you since you are still their child. I am sure they are not ashamed by you they are just very aware of your differences and don't know how to react or how to sympathize. My suggestion, when you are around them don't bring up "the past" as you put it, don't remind them of unpleasant times, don't speak of "touchy" subjects. And don't try to desperately fit in with their circle. I am not saying that you should forget about them, you should still call - but not as often, and still tell them that you love and appreciate them (maybe that'll make them feel a bit guilty!). Instead of telling them things about your life that might make them feel uncomfortable, ask them questions about their life, try to seem interested in them. It is difficult to be the "different" one, they know it and you know it, so when you are around them make an effort to not highlight those differences. And what ever you do, don't be that kind of parent yourself, let this be a lesson for your own parenting!

Answer 5

I am a short, red headed natural born child in a family of dark haired giants. Guess what, you don't have the problem they do. Your family that matters is your wife and child. If you would like to seek out your birth family to see a familiar face go for it but let me tell you looking different than the rest makes you unique and special not a freak.

Get counseling for yourself in order to let go and move on. Let them initiate contact but don't seek out the abuse, you are far too important to your spouse and child to lower yourself and deal with that any more.

You will be just fine, good luck!

Answer 6

Stop analyzing them. You come on too strong, so lay off--let people call you, they probably want to live in peace at their ages, that's all. Allow others to miss you on their own terms. Your letter even sounds over whelming- you are too wrapped up in yourself. Live & let live. Your wife and kids need you, your parents do not. Live in the present. You're going to drive yourself crazy if you don't chill out.- OK THAT'LL BE $75. PLEASE.

Answer 7

I don't think they are ashamed of you, but it sure sounds as if they have issues. Guess what? The issues are theirs, not yours.

Get help for your mental problems. Live your life, be a good person, and a better parent to your children than your parents were to you.

Answer 8

let get story straight you , "adopted", "lie", "rude", "aggressive anger" & "have mental illness". Well that say it all you're on a list top 10 parents reject ....

I wonder what your wife and kids think about you !!!