What would you teach teenage girls in a Christian youth group about dating relationships and marriage?

Question

They range from 13-17. My thinking is that they should just keep their focus on Jesus and not worry about dating or marriage until they know to some extent, God's plan for their life, so that they don't waste their time and get hurt by a boy/man who either doesn't care about them, or just isn't ready for a relationship like that. There is one guy in the youth group. He is 17 also. I talked this week about how we're all, who believe, brothers and sisters in Christ and that they should treat each other as such because they are young. They asked about relationships and now I have to teach a little more about that aspect and I'm not really sure how to do it. Your insights would be welcome as long as they're mature.

Answer 1

You can do the thing where you glue two pieces of cardboard together - you tell them that when we have sex we become one flesh and it binds us together not just physically but psychologically and emotionally and spiritually.

Then rip the two pieces of cardboard apart. Tell them that this is what happens when you break up with someone after having sex with them - you leave parts of yourself with them and you will never be the same. It will be a mess and they will feel awful about themselves and it will be hard to put themselves back together again.

You can tell them that that's why sex has to be reserved for marriage where two people have committed themselves to each other for a lifetime so that hearts won't get broken.

You can also use the analogy about sex being like fire - wild, warm and exciting - when used in it's proper context: a fireplace. The proper context for sex is a marriage. But take the fire out of the fireplace and put it on the couch, and it is no longer beautiful and warm and inviting, but destructive and out of control. And that's what their life will be like if they treat sex casually and don't reserve themselves for marriage. Not just the girls but the guys too.

Answer 2

You need to teach them about dating and preparing for marriage. This cannot be left to TV, Hollywood, and the like.

Several years ago, my singles group at my church watched a video series entitled "Before you say 'I do'." It was a series of about 10 videos with a corresponding study guide that captivated our attention and greatly drove home the purpose of dating and standards to do so.

I may not have everything right here, but this is the basic idea. First of all, way before even meeting anyone you want to date, you need to set up standards and parameters for doing so. This might not be the same for everyone, but everyone should have a predetermined line they will not cross.

This series described what it called progressive dating. Basically, it starts out with just a "sighting" of the person you like produces an all outs bulletin to your best friends. You can’t wait to tell them that you saw them and what they were wearing or doing, etc.

Then sometime shortly after your first date, you may get to hold hands. The first several times, your heart skips a couple of beats here and there. After a while, although still special, your heart maintains a steady rhythm. It is not quite as dramatic as it was the first time.

Then, perhaps comes the "first hug." Wow. You just melt as you hold them and smell the aroma of the shampoo they used that morning. After a while, it is still something you love to do, but not as exciting as the first time.

It goes on through other various stages progressing throughout the more intimate stages of a relationship. It does this to show that if you do not have a predetermined limit, you may go farther than you want.

Ultimately, it is important to save sex for marriage. It explains that by going to far to quick you are much more likely to fall into sin.

Another thing you should do before dating is to get an accountability partner. This should be a close friend or relative (preferably of the same sex) to keep you accountable. Ask them to question you periodically if you held true to you standards.

One thing it suggests is that you keep your times together in the open. Go on dates where there are other people around. It is when you are alone in a secluded area that you could have more difficulty with remaining true to your promises.

Anyway, here is a related link to a "Citizen" magazine article from this past month talking about the "Purity Ball." I believe you will find it interesting and informative. http://www.citizenlink.org/citizenMag/A000004670.cfm

Answer 3

Hi Fuzz,
My daughters are now 29 and 21, both went through 8 years of catholic parochial school and 4 years of an all-girls private catholic high school. I strongly feel that dating is a critical part of socialization. It is a natural part of becoming an adult in our society. Teens should be prepared for those temptations before they leave home. Both my daughters took classes in high school that taught them that avoiding sexual activity at this young age is good for a healthy self-esteem. When a teen has a good self esteem. they do not feel it necessary to show their "love" by giving their bodies to prove it. My daughters started with "group" dates at age 13-14 with other kids who were approved by all parents involved. Ground rules were set on what could be worn, where the activity took place and if the activity was appropriate. Parents' phone numbers were shared. A "group" date can be going to a Christian concert or other Christian oriented function. At age 15-16, their maturity was reassessed for single dating. Usually the single dating was to a high school function, such as the Winter Formal. Ground rules were set and a curfew of 10-11 pm. 30 minutes was added to the curfew each birthday if they demonstrated their maturity and compliance to the ground rules. Both my daughters went away to college and I had much less concern on their Christian practices in dating, because I had the opportunity to prepare them and watch them demonstrate to me that they knew that Christ set precedent in their lives.
My daughters knew that the best way to prevent sexually transmitted disease, pregancy and broken hearts is abstinence. They figured out on their own that if a boy pressured them into having sex, it was time to break up. They knew very well, that there was no true love, if the boy walked away angry.
Torin:)

Answer 4

I am 17, so I'm right there with them. I dated one guy from age almost 15 to a few months over 16. We had a great relationship for those 17 months. We agreed not to even hold hands because I wasn't ready. However, I felt God calling me to be a missionary. He would have gone with me, but didn't share that calling.I dated to find a husband. So, I broke up. During that time, we had built a foundation for a friendship that continues today.
I do not encourage dating at this age. It could work, but it's really hard if it doesn't. I still feel sad about having to break his heart. That can never be undone. My friends, even Christians don't understand why I did what I did. I get teased for it. My advice: Seek a more intimate relationship with Jesus. He has never disappointed me.

Answer 5

Do not pair off until 16 years old and then only in group dates
and no steady dating one person.
Have fun, stay away from drugs and alcohol and avoid the dangers of the horizontal.
After 18 start to pair off and enjoy dating and get a feel for who you would consider wanting to be married to for the rest of your life.
As you mature you will get the feel of what you really want in a mate and then start the serious dating.
Avoid sexual intimacy(not just intercourse but anything that would cause a couple to go "too far") before marriage.
Statistics show that marriages are far more likely to fail for those that did not practice abstinance before marriage.
Good luck and let the Holy Spirit Guide you.
Chastity, Dating and Marriage are some of the most important of life's decisions.

Answer 6

You are approaching this from the wrong perspective. How do you keep a goat from eating the grass in front of him?
It is important to stress the important things in a persons life, what they have to look forward to and where it will take them
Emphasize that unlike dogs and other animals they have the Free Will to Decide right and wrong. Do they want to be a "dog" in their community, or a contributing human being.

Most people get the message pretty fast. One their most precious gift is given away, it can never again be regained.

Christian children already know about Jesus. If you keep shoving him down their throat they will turn off and not hear anything you say on any subject.

Answer 7

If they have watched t.v., it never promotes chaperoning, that is a dead history, but they should not be left without adult supervision.

Second, don't do recreation dating. That is, just date to date. People should not form relationships that they do not plan on completing. It is a sad fact that unthoughtful unions are formed because breaking up is hard to do. So shop carefully.

Courting is better. Look from the sidelines for the Christian qualities you like in someone, then act interested to see if they reciprocate.

If you get engaged, do not be afraid to break it if you see problems--they will multiply exponentially when married.

Don't be unequally yoked. And that means other denominations or liberal/conservative within your own church.

Ask God to guide you, the Bible does say He can be served better without dividing with the needs of a spouse (many pastors divorce or apostatize because their spouse does not have a missionary spirit.

And, remember the commandment with a promise, ask father and mother for their counsels--they have your best interests in mind.

And, pray, pray, pray.

Thus brayed my donkey, Balaam

Answer 8

Holy crap. that's a long answer. i'm a youth pastor and i've spent months on this topic. if you want a great lesson, get Tommy Nelson's Song of Solomon study. he did it for youth.

but honestly, throwing a bunch of rules at her is going to do nothing. if she's behaving just to make you or God happy, and her heart isn't behind it, big deal. encourage her walk with God. make sure she knows what a Godly man looks like, and a Godly woman. explain the blessings of a Godly relationship and the joys of doing things the way God has guided.

and be frank about sex. it's a great gift from God and supper hot (use your words). but outside of the way God intended it, it can kill and destroy familes.

it would be nice to keep her focus on Jesus. but lets be honest, we are grown men and cant do that. cut her some slack and let her learn. God loves her even more than you do and will teach her. it might not be the way, actually, it will almost 100% not be the way you would teach her. but He's God and He knows.

but, as a youth pastor who has seen it all, DO NOT continusly preach about how wrong sex/realtionships/boys whatever, is. it's like putting a don't touch sign on wet paint. of course we touch it. we sometimes write our names in the paint. thats just human nature.

encourage her and love her. show her what a Godly man is like and leave her up to God.

good luck. this is why i didn't have daughters.

Answer 9

Sister.. I too am one serving with the young people where i meet and it is definately something that comes up as a concern. You stated something here that is key... that they can SEE that they are not just young people meeting to have some fellowship to sing.. read the word and have activities that are enjoyable.. but moreso... there is the Lord in each of the Brothers and Sisters. That its not just a person that i may be attracted to, but that this person belongs to the Lord and is indwelled By the Lord..
The Lord has alloted a time for everything in our lives.
There is a little booklet that I shared with the young saints that really has been a help. Its called.. " Treasuring the teenage years for the Lord"

http://www.ministrybooks.org/books.cfm?id=%23%28%2D%3F%2C%0A
http://www.ministrybooks.org/books.cfm?id=%22%28M8%20%0A
its available free on the site above. What i did was print it off and made it available to go through with my young brothers and sisters.
We meet up each saturday and I really thank the Lord that they are seeing how very crucial this time in their lives are For loving the Lord. These are the golden years where the Lord can be so real and sweet to each one. That they bear a certain kind of responsibility to be companions who encourage eachother to go on in the Lord.. To help to preserve the Lord's name and His testimony in one another.

I really hope that this site helps sister.. its no easy thing that we have taken on.. but there are those who went before us who have really learned how to be with the younger ones and i really appreciate their portion to us.

May the Lord grace you with all that He is .. as you pour out your being to serve with His young people:)

Peace and grace to you in Jesus Christ.
your sister
sandy

ps.. maybe i can add u to messenger and we can keep in touch and share some ideas together...

Answer 10

The Word and will of God is clear in this... if you do not understand that of God then you should not be in the position to "teach"... you need the instruction also.... I do see that you do have a proper attitude and have some understanding... your words indicate you are only 17... your church elders have erred in placing you in such a position.. that is instruction that should come from the mature women of the congregation in womens study. And any "general" discussions, in mixed groups, needs to be led by a mature male with an adult female presant as well. The perspective of both is needed