We want to meet our child that we put up for adoption?

Question

When I was much younger My husband, who was my boyfriend at the time and I experienced an unplanned pregancy. We knew we couldn't provide for the baby so we put him up for adoption. Now 15 years later we are married and have 2 boys who are 2 and 4 and we have a little girl on the way. We really want to meet our son we put up for adoption but we don't know if its a good idea for him. We don't want to cause him to have any bad feelings torwards us we just want to meet him. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? how did it go? Should we go ahead and meet him or wait for him to want to meet us?

ok fyi we were 15 so yea it was the best option

Answer 1

I was 15 when I started searching for my birthmom. I don't know your child's situation in his life - so it's really hard to say for him. But I can tell you from my experience - when I did meet my birthmom - it was wonderful. I had to look for her, and while she wanted to know who I was and how I turned out, she felt it was important for me to make that decision on my own. And it made me feel more special, not only to find out that she WANTED to know me, but that she wanted to give ME the CHOICE and didn't want to hurt me on the offhand chance that finding me was something I did not want or need in my life.
Of course she would have been welcomed into my life greatly at 15 - but again my situation with that has a medical history, and emotional history that may be entirely different than your sons.

Question for you - do your two children now know about their brother? I found both birthparents. My father had told his two children about me since they were born. They were really excited to meet me when we met. My mother did not tell her daughter about me until after I found her - and the daughter took it OK but I always worried that I would upset her by "invading" into her family's life (when really it wasn't my fault, but I still worried). I don't think she ever felt that way, which is good too.

I can also tell you that from personal experience, as long as your child knows he was adopted, he WILL wonder about you. Who you are, what happened to you. He might not admit it, or he might openly do so and search you out first. You obviously loved him and knew it was best for him to go to a family who was more prepared for parenthood at that time - and that does mean something - to him and to his family he was adopted into. And he may not even realize it, as some kids never "wonder" about where they came from - but deep in his heart YOU have a SPECIAL place there. It was your gift to him, and God's gift to you - so try to not to focus on negative feelings such as "does he hate me for it?" or "he'll never know me". Because let me tell you - if I never met my mother, I'd still know her in my heart and through my spirit.

Most states have laws that adoption records are sealed until the child is 18 - or something like that. Especially in a closed adoption. Consider at 15 he might not be emotionally ready for meeting his birthfamily, and maybe when he is older both families would benefit from positive relationships that can develop through reunions down the line. Maybe you're feeling that somehow you abandoned him, and you are searching for a way to make it up to him, when really you're trying to make yourself feel better. (And that's OK and a normal reaction to have so please don't take offense to a different viewpoint on this).

Anyway, you and your family are in my heart. I truly feel for waht you are going through - and let me just reassure you that anything I have offered my voice on here is strictly based on my experiences, and what I have learned about my family, myself, and my birthparents through the search, reunification, and loss process. (I say loss because while I LOVED meeting my families and getting to know them, we have all gone our separate ways and it wasn't under the best circumstances so that made it very difficult as well).

Answer 2

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this on your own without support. In America today, shame on the family due to an illegitimate baby is no longer an issue. However, I understand that in the Asian culture it is still a stigma. The real question is how do you feel? Do you believe that your family and culture will treat you differently? Your family specifically, will they consider you an outcast? Or once the baby is born would they take back the words they've said? Sometimes families say such hurtful things in the heat of the moment. You've said that you are an attorney, they could have been upset thinking that it would set your career back or that you were thinking of giving up your career in total. It doesn't matter how well off you, or your family is. What does matter is how you feel and what you want to do. Having a child is a large responsibility that doesn't ever go away. I know I wasn't ready until I was 30 to begin discussing starting our family. Are you wanting to parent this child? There is no shame in doing either parenting or deciding not to parent. Parenting a child is a wonderful thing at any age. You seem that you have it together. However, if you believe that you will be shamed, as will your child. You will have to learn to stand up and hold your head to them so that you and your child will not be cast in that light. That isn't fair to either of you. If you decide not to parent this child, you are going to give someone the best opportunity that they could ever hope & dream of. The opportunity to love that child. Either way, you shall hold your head up without shame, guilt, or fear of what others think. You need to do what is best for you and this child. Money has nothing to do with the decisions we make or our ability to parent. As for your career, Congratulations on being a woman of substance. I don't think being an attorney is going to hinder your adoption options. That would actually mean to most couples that your child will be intelligent and gifted. I'm so very sorry you don't have anyone to speak to. I have no idea what you are going through or I'd offer. Please know though, that you sound like an incredible young woman, and I'm sure that you'll make the best decision for you and your child.

Answer 3

I think it's a great idea to reach out to him. You didn't give details if this as an arranged adoption and you know who and where he is. If you do not have this information, he is too young for you to legally contact him directly. I'm assuming by the dates above he is 15/16 years old. Each state has different laws and ages to determine when an adoptee is an adult. These ages range from 18 to 25.

The first step you should take is contact the agency or court that handled the adoption and have the consent to contact added to the file. Most states allow this and if he or his parents request info the families are easily and legally reunited. The second step you should take is to post your information on as many adoption reunion sites as possible. Some may not allow you to post because he is underage but it's also worth a try.

Here is a link that shows each states laws regarding reunion contact.

http://local.reunion.adoption.com/

Good luck

Answer 4

Who is to say, that he has not be waiting for you to contact him?

This is a touchy subject. I am glad o hear that you and your husband went on to have a great life. Marriage, and more children. But that just doesn't help fill the void of the one that got away, sort-of-speak. Since he is only 15, you would have to look for him. I don't know where you are located, but in Canada, you have to be 18 before you do any research. And then if you go in the system, you could be lucky enough to have a match, or go on a journey, that could be overwhelming.

Was it a closed adoption? Have you been in contact with the family that have adopted him (pictures, report cards, etc...). You would also have to have that family's approval. It is always a great idea to look for someone, but you also need to consider your family, now. How would that go over with the children now?

I have just found my birth family, and to be honest, I don't have anything to do with my birth mother. Long story short, she lied on my non-identifying information about my father, and that is no way to start a relationship off. I speak to my uncle all the time, but nothing.

Make sure that you are ready for rejection, but even better, acceptance. He is still young, so ya never really know how it would go.

FYI-Look into the legalities of it.

Answer 5

You have every right to want to see and meet with your child for the first time, however the decision is not up to you two, but to his adopted parents. Bare in mind that if you decide to go through with this, you guys are opening a can of worms and results could be somewhat less appealing to the both of you as well as to the child. Also, the adopted family might take it as a threat and this is to be expected. I am 27 and also an adopted child and not a day goes by that I don't wish that they'd try finding me or my siblings. Yes, I'm blessed because God gave me a wonderful family to love and care for me, but the heart and damage after all this time is still there. I miss my family with a great deal and wish to one day be reunited with them. I know what yall are going through just as much as what your son is going through. Yes, your son might know the truth and act like he's fine with it, but deep down he has an empty void just as I do as well as questions that need answers. Good Luck!!

Answer 6

Ok I'm adopted and I'm going to be honest with you...He will probably be really nervous yet excited. But he also might have hard feelings towards you guys...because you have so many other kids now. It's just a chance you take. You did the best thing for him thoug. At 15 you were no were near ready to raise a child, you were still a child yourself. I wish you good luck! and feel free to email me if you have any questions or just want to talk!

Answer 7

I say yea go ahead and look for him, if it was and open adoption it should be easy to contact or make a connection. Hopefully his adoptive family have told him that he is adopted. I am adopted and found my birth parents 10 years ago, I have no ill feelings to them at all and dont blame them for giving me up. (they were young also) Alot of times though you have to wait until the child is 18 to make any contact, that was how it was for me anyway. My adoption was private so we both had to register in the province I was born stating that we were looking for each other and then they made the connection. Today we get together many times a year and I have many half brothers and sisters, a huge extended family and I feel more at home with them than with my adoptive family sometimes! Good luck!

Answer 8

If you know how to contact him, then you will no how to contact his adoptive parents. You should actually contact them first. At 15 their worlds are already upside down so now would probably not be the best time to just step into his life, however by contacting his adoptive parents you may find that he has questions and wants to meet you. You could also send a letter to the parents requesting they pass to your son that if he ever has questions about his birth parents you are there to help him.

Answer 9

The fact that you are expecting again could really complicate his feelings. Wait.

What was the "Continuing Contact Agreement" with his parents? Do you know them? Have you met?

Write him letters about how you feel, but keep them. Then he will know how you feel when he is ready. But please -- be careful about all the sentiment and emotion. It is not his fault or responsibility that you have felt pain. You made the choice to place him because you love him and wanted the best for him. Don't make him feel that because you made an adoption plan for him, you have had a life of pain!

Instead, make sure he feels GOOD, STRONG, and POSITIVE about your decision -- his life! Love him, and show him you are strong and whole, and therefore he is too!

That is truly the best gift you can give him.

And honor his parents by abiding by the agreement, verbal or implied, that you made 15 years ago regard ing contact. If you can check things out with them first, great. Otherwise, wait for him to want contact. He may or may not. But either way, know you gave him the best you could!

Answer 10

yeah i know someone like that she was adopted she didnt meet her real mom until it was to late. she held no grudge about being put up. she did have achance to meet her father though and he told her the story about how he and her mother wanted to give her the life that they knew they couldnt give her and she deserved better. my only advice is every story is different and every person is different you should meet your son tell him your story and make him a part of your family with the intent of telling this adopted parentsall you want is to know him and how he has been most adopted parentsget scared that you are tring to presuade him to leave in a few short years and forget about them. adoption is very tricky to the other parents. it may take time but at least you know that he know has a life and is being taking care of vereses 15 yrs ago he kight have not

Answer 11

You might want to wait till he's 18. But if you have a way of letting him know you're interested in meeting him and letting him make the decision from there, that would be cool.