My father!!!????

Question

I haven't seen my father or talked to him in 16 years...he signed over his rights and me and my 4 other siblings got adopted years ago. I recently got his number by running in to a biological family member, and I plan on calling him tonight. I am so nervous and I don't know what to say. I know he might not be me real father and I want to question him aboaut that.

I don't know what I tell a man who was supposed to be my father and walked out on me 16 years ago.

I don't think I really want him to be a part of my life...he is married and supports her and her kids...but couldn't take care of us, like we weren't good enough. My baby sister has a hard time with that.

My adoptive parents support me 100%. I guess I just need answers to get some kind of closure to that part of my life.

Answer 1

Why, why, why, would you want to have anything to do with that man? What about your birth mother who had to carry you and give you up because that jerk did what he did? What about her? She has been through a heart wrenching time. All I can imagine are all the lies he will tell you. You weren't babies when he did this. It sounds like he didn't want the financial responsibility of you. It's not about you. It's about him being a bad person and bad people don't make good parents. If you are still with your real mother, how does she feel? After all she's done for you, now he can come in and be the "good" guy. You have no clue as to what she went through. Have some children first, then you'll see what he did was sooooo low. You'll understand what your mom had to face. I wish you the best, but beware of the cr*p he'll tell you.

Answer 2

You should start the conversation by giving him your name and asking if this is a good time to talk and if he knows who you are. (You may need to tell him who you mother is and give some dates.) If he says no or hesitates, ask him if he can take down your number, if you are willing to give it to him, or ask him when would be a good time to call back.

In 16 years, it is safe to assume that he has a different life. He has not been fair to you, but it is not your place to divulge secrets that could hurt other people in his life right now.

If the initial greeting goes well, I would say something like this. " As you can imagine, I have a lot of questions for you." Keep this conversation as light as possible. Just open the door. If it seems, that he will be less than cooperative then push a little harder for the questions you want answers to. If you don't want him to be a part of you life, tell him that "at this point in your life you are not looking for a relationship with him but you are curious". Be honest.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I know this may be hard, but 16 years. You must have been anticipating it for a long time, so for you to back out you'll feel like crap. First of all it's going to be hard, and you don't know if the per-son your going to call will be your real father or not. Either way you're scared. You might want to call with one of your siblings, or friend. If you want this to be a personal matter, then put on a song that gives you confidence, like " I'm a Survivor" by Destiny's Child. You can also have some ice cream around. Anything that's going to get you comfortable. Also prepare to be disappointed, if the person is not your father. Don't get your hopes too high, because you know the saying, the higher they are,the harder they fall. Don't take that for granted. If he is your father then prepare what your going to say. In the end, be proud of yourself, because you made it that far, and that should be an accomplishment. SO go ahead and go for it!!

Answer 4

I think "Devin's Mom" hit it right and has the best approach to the situation. I'm speaking from experience - my birthfather found me 20 years after I was born and he abandoned my mother prior to my birth - one of the reaons I was placed for adoption. I had a lot of angry feelings towards him - but 16 years a lot changes, people, time, places, etc. And people change. The night I got the call from the reunion registry that they found him (I was actually searching for my mom), I was so full of butterflies in my stomach and had NO idea what to say or do. It was completely unexpected but I gave him the chance. Whatever you do, life has a way of working out the way it's supposed to anyway, whether it's how you want it to work out or how you expected it not to work it - it always does work out.

Whether or not he is your actual biological father - doesn't matter. He is the father you know to have been the one to give you up. Re-read "Devin's Mom"'s answer and think about it before you make any decisions.

Answer 5

Stop beating yourself up. We can not sit here and say what was and is for someone who walked out of your life 16 years ago. what I mean is maybe he had good reason maybe you were never given all the facts. If you were adopted maybe it was your mother who did the walking and he did what was best for you. There are so many ifs. Do not judge the man at least not yet. It sounds to me that even though you are saying one thing you might mean another. Call him if you have the number but do not make accusations.Let him say his piece and his side of the story and still you only have half. If you are happy where you are and with the people who adopted you and they feel like parents is it something that couldn't wait a few more years until you are out of their house. They too have feelings and they took you in as their own. Talk to them about it and see what they think. After all they are your true parents now.

Answer 6

Don't be nervous. Just ask him if he is ok talking to you about what happened. You might want to find out what caused him to sign over his rights. Did your mom push him into it? Did he do it because he wanted you to have a real dad in your life? There are a number of reasons it may have happened and not all of them are always bad. Just try to keep your expectations realistic. He may end up becoming a part of your life, but the guy that adopted you will always be your 'real' dad.

Answer 7

I am sure you are both nervous, excited and yet hold some anger too. You probably have many questions to ask him and by all means you have every right. However allow me to just remind you that sometimes people do things that don't seem like the right thing but maybe the best thing. Your father may have signed over his rights for you to have a better life. Or maybe he did it for selfish reasons, only he knows and you can ask him now. Try to be civil and mature when you ask, you would more likely get a true response if he feels your mature enough to handle it. Good luck and don't hold any hard feelings toward him, lifes too short.....

Answer 8

Not knowing what kind of reaction you will get from him means you need to be prepared for anything. Remember that a call out of the blue will mean that he isn't expecting it either. Let him know soon in the conversation why you are calling and be honest! If you wish you could talk every once in a while or have coffee now and again then let him know. His life now may not have much room for you or he may not be proud of how things are going so he may seem standoffish. I would just let him know that from time to time you have questions and that you would like to know that you can contact him when it's time to ask them. Good luck, I went through a similar situation.

Answer 9

You deserve answers to all of the questions you have, however, keep in mind, they may not "be the answers you desire".

Don't let that stop you however. Once you make that call, your life will most definately change. It's a fork in the road of life you are currently on, but I do think it will end up being a positive experience for you, no matter what. Otherwise, you will remain on that "same road" and always wonder what those answers are.

Good Luck to you, and you do have "real" parents............They are the one's that love you as if you were their blood, and wanted you "so badly" that they cried many tears of anguish until you finally came in to their lives. They are YOUR parents, and you are very lucky to have them, and them to have YOU.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Well, if you think about all that stuff, call him and tell him that. If he cant give a good explanation, fast enough, than you knw you were right. But, you should call him. Even though you dont want him to be a part of your life, he is part of life, by being the person, who walked out of it 16 years ago.