I am with a man we are engaged, his daughter is 3 and she will not sleep without him when she is down, and as soon as he walks in the door she is all over him and won't let me be even next to him. I have talked to him about it but he says she just misses him and I have to deal with it. I just got her broke off of the pacifer and I would really like to be able to be next to him when she is down, I am at a stand still. He has an 10 year old son who I get along with and he has even complained to his dad about how he does not even get to spend time with his dad because of her. I get in trouble because He says I chose not to spend time with his daughter but I try and she goes straight to him, I watch them while he is at work and she is fine with me it is just when he is home and he does not see how she is with me, so I get told I don't spend time with her so he can't spend time with his son or my children. Please help!
2007-06-06 03:41:47 · 19 answers · asked by mzrbinsn 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
We have been living together for over an year and the mother has a man living with her for the past 6 months. i have been involved with the children since we started dating. He tells me he will not be involved with my children until I get his daughter more involved with me. We were at his sons game last night and the mother was giving the 3 year old coffee and candy the whole time letting her climb up the fences and I was told not to say anything because I was to let her get hurt so he can pin it on the mom. I am told not to help in public but in private he wants me involved in everything.
2007-06-07 05:14:24 · update #1
Sounds like she has some separation anxiety. He might not realize that he's basically encouraging her bad habits and it's probably best to start weaning her into something else. She should be sleeping in her own room and getting used to it. If she's scared of being alone, would she and the 10 year old be able to share a room for a while until she got used to that, and then switch her to her own room? That's what my parents did with my older brother and I when we were little, and soon enough I was ready for my own "place". Don't rush it too much -- she'll get resentful if she feels that she's being punished. Be supportive, but realize that she needs to grow up and sometimes kids need encouragement to do that. Are there things she is interested in? You might want to help her cultivate hobbies and things she likes that she can do while dad & bro are home, so that she can learn to play independently or with friends instead of trying to be the attention hog. I think at any rate, if you're getting married, you need to be able to come up with a game plan and a rough time frame for when you want to get these changes in place, otherwise you won't be happy and it will damage the relationship. Check out your local bookstore for books on the topic, or possibly consult with a child psychologist, especially one who does behavioral work. They can definitely point you in the right direction!
2007-06-06 03:49:53 · answer #1 · answered by some girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
From what I have seen:
When one is away, no matter whose child it is, will work with however they do things. This is why parents arent allowed to sit in at kindergarten LOL. Any way, lets see more deeper what you wrote.
we are engaged...
Translated: Have not be long together
his daughter is 3 and she will not sleep without him
Translated: (Without any facts to go by) Mother has either passed away, a tramp, or a drug addict. Either way, the children are affected by this loss and are clinging to the only person that has 'decided' to keep them, the father. Enter you, a mother, a person to take the place where their mother was. Was the former mother a biatch? was the controller of the household? Did she raise the house with love or with fear? Either way all this 3 year old knows that Mom and gone and Dad is all that is left and now YOU want to be with him.
Will the take him away?
Will you make her go away?
believe it or not, a 3 year old can and will think this in transition of a family. Especially if the loss of one of her parents is abrupt.
She's clinging to what she knows as normal cant expect less from her.
...and I have to deal with it.
You said it all. You DO have to deal with it. These kids owe you nothing NOT A THING. You haven't earned anything from them yet. Ya the 10 year old is hey, sup? But he's hurting too, just handles it like a 10 year old would.
Proof: "he has even complained to his dad about how he does not even get to spend time with his dad because of her."
I get in trouble because He says I chose not to spend time with his daughter but I try and she goes straight to him
This sounds like Dad is a little reactive to your attitude. You have yet time to learn to love his kids and she has has no time to feel safe around you or the respect that you wish you had. Basically, you are the current equivalent of a baby sitter.
Proof: "I watch them while he is at work and she is fine with me it is just when he is home and he does not see how she is with me, so I get told I don't spend time with her so he can't spend time with his son or my children."
The not spending time again, I'll stress, something happened between their mom and him and although I cant tell what it was, it was traumatic towards the kids. You are NOT the wicked step-mother to be by the way. You do however, need to have patience. And if you love him, patience you will have. This is a packaged deal and though you do not love them yet, you will learn to if you let them. Accept that this will take time, have pity on the kids if you cant love them outright yet. But have love in your heart, they are part of him and a part of your life for the next 15-20 before they move out on their own.
Good Luck,
2007-06-06 04:25:57 · answer #2 · answered by avengress 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your husband needs to step up and look at reality. The little girl obviously has trouble with being separated from him, and it will continue to have an effect on your relationship and his relationship with his son until he does something about it. There's something wrong with the situation when you can't even spend a night alone in bed with your man when she's there, at all. Or sit by him or be around him without her clinging to him.
He needs to have a talk with the child's mother, and see what's going on in her life when she's away from him that might make her this way. And if it's just the parents being apart, then she needs to learn NOW that you're going to be her step-mom, and that she has to sleep in her own bed and do her own thing sometimes without being all over her dad constantly.
If this doesn't happen now, when she's only 3, then she'll sooner or later be 10, trying to sleep in his bed and causing a TON of trouble between you.
Nip it in the bud, and if he won't do it now, then think twice about the wedding. If you marry this guy and get even more involved in his kids' lives, and eventually get torn apart by an overly needy child, it'll only hurt them all more.
2007-06-06 03:51:15 · answer #3 · answered by misguidedrose18 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may need to go into family counseling if this whole thing is going to work out. The 10 year old and you get along that is good, they to can be difficult, but for him to also see the problem with the 3 year old should be a wake up call for the Dad. He must not want to deal with any more problems. if he really has any to begin with. This is not something you and his son should have to DEAL with. This is a problem HE needs to deal with. A three year old is old enough to be told to stop certain things and be held accountable for her actions. A family therapist may just be what you all nee.
2007-06-06 03:55:13 · answer #4 · answered by picture 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ah something I have had experience with. My step daughter is 19. When we all got together she was three and not willing to let me in. We fought and bumped heads and we were getting nowhere. After awhile I would do simple things like bring her something when I came over. If her mom had to work, I would offer to babysit. I would take her out shopping and if she asked for something that didnt need parental approval (remember you arent mom yet, see if dad has groundrules about what she can have) get it for. The big turn around for us was a pair of red, white and black cowboy boots that were about four sizes too big for her. It takes a little time but it will work out.
2007-06-06 05:47:03 · answer #5 · answered by dave n 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well look at it this way i was the stepchild of my mothers partner i was 4 yrs old when he moved in and i didn't have a clue who he was or what he was doing there all i knew was that he was a friend, and coz my mum spent so much time with him that he was going to take her away.
just imagine how that little girl must feel this strange woman that isn't her mum is spending a lot of time with her dad.
my mum did start arguing with my stepdad about him not bonding too, but he said he wasn't bonding because he didn't want to intrude on his partner and her little girl, he knew that if he started butting in that i might not like him and he just wanted us to be a happy family.
give the little girl time and space with her dad while shes still little eventually she will start growing up and let you in you might become her fave person.
and thanks to my mum and stepdad i now have a younger brother and sister who are twins, i don't think i could imagine my life without my younger siblings and now i have huge respect for anyone wanting to take on a new partners kids.
she may turn out just the same and you would have a stepdaughter to be really proud of
hope this helps :)
2007-06-06 04:30:05 · answer #6 · answered by casey k 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dang girl! Sounds like to me she is stuck in the stage of attachment with her father. I mean, it's good that they are close, btu that is almost too close. I can't imagine not getting any time with him because of a 3 year old. He really needs to lay down some grounds for her as this is headed poorly. Children go through a stage where they feel jealous of the parent of the same sex and therefore strive for attention from the person of the opposite sex. They feel that mom for instance, is competition and have to work through that.
2007-06-06 04:30:52 · answer #7 · answered by lilbeamlover 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
each so often its problematic for some human beings to make sure how there babies incredibly are. I cope with a similar concern and how we solved it replaced into we began spending extra time around the youngsters so the different determine ought to make sure what incredibly is going on. I do admit that throughout lots of situations my babies are the reason yet little or no of the time. yet another element we additionally do is while problems get up we tell our babies just to pass sit down or pass play of their room etc this form they're being taken removed from the placement yet no longer certainly stepping into worry. If all of us comprehend its their fault (or ought to of been their fault) they gets punished to a pair extent we experience like is proper. additionally, bear in mind that this occasion is distinctive for the two women and your infant would by no potential have shown aggression yet while she's no longer happy with the drawing near concern must be showing extra effective than she ever has till now. If yall experience like shifting on with the courting and shifting in jointly than it will be as much as the two considered one of yall to maintain the two babies in examine and discover out effectively which babies are inflicting the themes. you ought to even set-up webcams quickly interior the abode so which you the two ought to make sure who's inflicting problems, pushing the themes farther etc... so the themes could be fastened.
2017-01-10 16:07:14 · answer #8 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wonder if your age has a factor in this situation. When I was 23, I dated man that had a 4 year old and I thought she was intruding on out time together. Looking back, I was intruding on their time and being selfish.
Grow up! You are in invading her territory and have to be patient. Speaking as a single mother of two, anyone new in my life has to understand my daughters feelings come first. In time this child will become acclimated with you being a part of their new life together.
2007-06-06 03:51:55 · answer #9 · answered by rrh2 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm in this situation myself, except we ARE married, and his daughter is nine. She lives with her mother, so that when she spends a weekend with us, I am pretty much out of the picture. She becomes the "woman of the house" by getting what she wants and can pretty much dictate what goes on in our home. Sometimes it helps me to treat her like my and my husbands daughter so that I can see where he is coming from as far as devoting time to her. I also try to get to know her as a person other than my husband's daughter. In doing that I can be more objective towards her. she was also wanting to sleep with us, saying she couldn't sleep by herself because she was having bad dreams. There were no bad dreams, she used that as an excuse to get in our bed. This is trying on the nerves when the father becomes her friend and forgets he is a father who needs to help his daughter grow up instead of keeping her "his little girl." If the little girl lived with you on a regular basis, he wouldn't be this way. There could be feelings of guilt of putting such a young child through a divorce and wanting to protect her and make it up to her. I think sometimes my husband gives his daughter so much attention so she won't feel like our getting married will lessen THEIR relationship. Try not to be jealous of the little girl, because she doen't control what her father does. the problem is with him, not her. It will work out if you truly love each other. give it time.
2007-06-06 04:03:27 · answer #10 · answered by The pink panther 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋