Changing your name when you get married?

Question

I have been thinking about this a lot lately... and out of curiosity I would like to know what other people think about this.

Times have changed and so many people break tradition in many ways. Women have careers as well as families, many people have sex before marriage, people are getting married for the first time older than people did in the past, more people are college educated, more people live with their partner before they get married, brides don't have to just wear white, and I'm sure there are a lot of other traditions that have changed or are not being followed anymore.

But when it comes to marriage, it still seems like it's the woman who is expected to change her name and not the man (I know many women keep their maiden name or hyphenate) . I found this very interesting. Do men ever change their name to their wife's name? I wonder why for the most part this particular tradition has not changed with the times - it is still the woman who takes her husband's name.

Why do you think this tradition (women changing her name) has not changed much, when so many other traditions have changed? Why is society so resistant to a man changing his name?

Answer 1

They did a story on The Today show a few weeks ago about this, its actually VERY hard for men to change their names to the wifes. They had a few couples who were trying to do this type of thing, one man wanted to take the womans, one couple wanted to combine their last names to make a new one, and one wanted to change to a whole new last name of their choosing. The couple that had the hardest time was the couple that wanted the man to take her last name, they had been going through the process for months and still it wasnt done there was so much red tape, the government just cant get down with this idea I guess.

ETA: Just as a comparison, when I changed my name to my husbands, it took all of 5 minutes in each office filling out the proper paperwork, it was no hassle at all. I guess because I was doing my womanly duty of taking my husbands name. MEN!

Answer 2

Actually there are plenty of cultures in which names are derived differently than ours. Many native cultures have a variety of ways including passing the wife's family name along instead of the husbands. Some family names are based on the "fortune" of the child's birthdate or season and circumstances of the child's birth. In the old days, a person was known by their occupation.
But relative to your question about why men in our culture still don't take their wives names in this "liberated" era, I'm betting the answer is still related to testosterone. No matter how liberated women have become, there are only a few men liberated enough to brave the scorn of their brothers and fathers by taking their wives names. I kept my maiden name when I married and added a hyphen and my husband's name just to keep the peace with his family who were still pretty shocked and insulted by the whole thing. They got over it when I explained that I had too many employment references and other business contacts to completely drop my maiden name. But the truth is, I just didn't feel at the time - and still don't - that I should have to give up my identity for any reason. I've been married over 20 years now and while I've learned to accept that I will ever after be called "Mrs. _____", I still sign my last name with my maiden name hyphen his last name.

Answer 3

When my parents got married (in the 70s), they both hyphenated their names. So both my sister and I already have hyphenated names. We've been asked about a million times what we're going to do when we get married. I'm getting married in a few months, and I'm taking my fiance's name. Not because I don't feel I deserve my name, or anything like that - it's just easier. I'm sick of spelling my name for everyone, and explaining why it's hyphenated, etc. A few of my friends have combined their names to come up with a new name (first half of her last name with the second half of his last name, etc). That doesn't always sound good, but it's an option to keep both names in the family without hyphenating. I also had one friend who went through the phone book until she and her fiance found a last name that they both liked - it was nothing like either of their last names, but it worked for them. I think the reason that it's not more common for men to change their name is that they view it as a status symbol - if he takes her name, then he's being a feminist or whatever. Or his family may object to it (I had a friend who's father threatened to cut him off if he changed his name - because it was his heritage).

Answer 4

I doubt that many men would want to take their wives last name. I think the idea dates back to biblical days where the man is to be the head of the household and he is now responsible for taking care of this woman. Thus, she is no longer being taken care of her family and she assumes his last name. However, some women like to keep the identity they were born with an hyphenate or use their maiden name as a middle name. It's all about preference. You do what makes you feel comfortable.

Answer 5

I totally agree with you - for some reason it's considered taboo for a man to change his last name. I have no idea why that is! But, I wanted to say that my brother is getting married in December and he is taking his fiance's last name after they get married. The reason is that he hates hyphenated last names and wants both of them to have the same last name. She wants to keep her last name so he said he would change his - he didn't feel he could expect her to make the change without being willing to do it himself.

Originally women took the man's last name because she was "owned" by her father and now she's being "owned" by her husband. I guess you could ask the same question as to why the father still "gives away" his daughter to her fiance. It's just tradition that has stuck around and it's hard to say "no, I don't want to do it that way."

I've told my bf I won't take his last name but that I want the same last name. So we'll see what happens down the road!

Answer 6

Before we got married my husband offered, seriously, to change his surname to mine if I were committed about keeping my maiden name. His reasoning - and mine, really - was that it's best to have ONE surname for us, since we were planning to have children.
And, as a teacher, I can tell you that it IS best to have one surname, so children feel the belonging and security. I've taught kids who have only one of the parents' names, hyphenated name, a different name than their parents -- it's all very confounding and honestly does confuse kids - somehow inside them, at a time when they search for their own identity, if the family doesn't have ONE cohesive surname, it really does affect them. Aside from that, there can also be complications with medical treatment, or traveling to another country, if children have variants from their parents' names.
I have two degrees and a successful career leading into marriage - I was 28, came from a family with a honourable name, so I DID seriously consider keeping my maiden name. The concern with future children did affect my ultimate decision, as did my heart being touched that my husband offered to take my surname. After MUCH reflection, I opted to take his surname, and am very happy that I did!
One thing I wish I had thought of back then was what many women are doing now - keeping my maiden name as my middle name. What I do, however, is when I want to use my maiden name, I just bracket it - so I'll sign "Jane (Doe) Smith".
Actually, there's been a big upswing in the past several years for women changing to their husband's surname, through the googling I did. I think it's particularly because since there have been so many 'traditions' broken over the past decades, that couples have realized that some semblance of stability is pretty important after all!
Good luck with your decision! Just remember that it's the marriage which is more important to your identity, rather than a string of letters which make up a surname.

Answer 7

In time this may change, but its a very deep-rooted tradition, and there is something to be said for that. I will be marrying in February for the first time and I am 37, and in a professional carreer and I will take his name, and drop my maiden name altogether. Although he said it didn't matter to him what I wanted to do about the last name issue, IMO, when you marry, you are joining another person to become one family--one family has one name--this is a tradition I actually like and can see the point of...so many others are pointless, IMO...like "giving away" the bride-that one makes me shudder--give away-like I'm a posession or something...that's one tradition I will not be observing.

Answer 8

I think it hasn't changed because it's easier when the woman changes her name- 'hello this is Mr & Mrs Smith' There are fewer names to remember. I think that society is resistant to the man changing his last name because that would take away some of his masculinity. Most people are fine with women making strides and reaching the level of men, but don't want men to loose anything.

Personally, I think it's a choice each person hs to make. I don't like my bf's last name, so I'll be keeping my last name when we get married. That's what's right for me.

Answer 9

The major majority still hold that tradition. The only reasons why husband changes his name is usually the bride's family pressure because they have more heritage that they can brag on. Or the woman is the dominant financially, etc. Society tends to look down on any man that changes his name to his wifes. Do people do it, yes. Will people accept it? Yes, with giggles and finger pointing behind their backs. It'll make the man look weak. Society is changing, yes, more people are accepting it, yes. But the majority based on how we live is still going to look at in shock.
The only other option but will still cause issues is to be married but you keep yours and he keeps his.

Answer 10

If you feel like you want to keep your name, I think the thing to do is to keep your name and add a hyphen. That is what times have started to come to. We haven't exactly reached the point where the men take the women's name. I think the hyphen is the next step and would definitely work in your situation.