My wife & I have been married for 22 years. Her ex-fiance found her on-line and they have been chatting.?

Question

I have been low key about the emailing. She has been open about it & has always been a fantastic wife & mother. Nonetheless, sometimes I feel he is "fishing" in my waters and small windows of insecurity (such as would she have been happier with him), irrationally come to me. He has told her that the biggest mistake he ever made was breaking off their engagement.

He lives 2,000 miles away & that distance has provided a buffer zone, however last fall he was an hour or so away & wanted her to visit him. I told her that I trusted her, but was not as sure about trusting him & that I would feel more comfortable if he came to our home if he wanted to see her (and meet me.)

He did not want to do that but they continue to chat monthly.

I know this because she shares some of her discussions with me.

I have told her that sometimes this on line reunion wierds me out but that I am not going to stomp my feet and demand that she banish him fom all contact.

What do you think?

Answer 1

22 years of marriage...u should know how she is...if your 22 years of evaluation of her would be equal to a fantastic wife/mother who is very trustworthy..then u should just allow her to chat with that "ex"...put all your faith in her and believe that they would not come any closer than just being friends..besides..he's already 22 years too late to redo everything he's done....hahah so tell your wife u trust and love her soo much:D
and congratulations on finding a wife like her...i hope i do too..hehe

Answer 2

I was reading other people's responses and I don't like the fact that she is chating with an ex so freely. You two are married now and he's not just a friend he's and ex boyfriend. I think it is unessary and disrespectful. She can wish him well and move on, it's not fair. You need to tell how you feel and I think it is normal but ask her how she would feel if you were chating with your ex. You wrote she tell you about the emails , I'm sure she doesn't tell you everything. Then I find it very disrespectful of him to say the biggest mistake he made was breaking off the engagement. I feel he lacks respect for her marraige. I feel there should be boundaries especially when you are married. She should wish him well and let that go. It is unessary, you are everthing she needs and I don't understand why it's nessary to have this ex conversation.

Answer 3

Yes he is "fishing" in your waters and your wife is getting off on the attention. This is obvious by the fact that he will not meet you and she is continuing to communicate regularly even though you have already voiced your objection. She has some interest being willing to see him when he was in town. I think the honesty is only going to go far enough to keep you appeased.
I think you should start communicating with one of your ex's (even if it's only pretend) just to let her know how it feels. When she objects and she will, you will have something to bargain with. Be just as honest as she is about what she is doing.

What is good for the goose is good for the gander.

Why none of the other letters mention "emotional cheating" is probably because you are a guy. Guranteed you have not read all the communication and the more "amora" parts have been withheld.
If your letter was written by a woman they would say to raise hell and leave.

Answer 4

I was married for 27 years (my husband past away due to cancer) But my ex-fiance and I chatted online for years. I told my husband what our chats were about. I had nothing to hide. I had no regrets for marrying my husband. It didnt concern me at all that him and I never married. It was a friendly chat and I often spoke highly of my husband. We discuss events the family and I have done or gone through. Ive even went to eat breakfast with him along with my sister as well. Even though my husband has past on now I still wouldnt consider being with him. There is something my husband and I had that many dont have, that is trust. If I got in over my head he was the first one I went to and the last person to handle what needed to be done. I think your handling this in a very good way. Not everyone is as special as you and your wife. God Bless. There not many of us left out here like that anymore.

Answer 5

I think you were right for telling her how you feel. You don't want to control her and you want her to have her space but at the same time it's bothering you more than you want to admit. I don't think she's doing anything to hurt your marriage cause if she was than she wouldn't be telling you anything. I think she just might be bored and this is a little exciting. FYI - We love attention. Maybe you need to start giving her more attention. I'm not 100% sure about your marriage, this is just a guess from what I read. If it's bothering you a lot than say something cause she should respect your feelings and make you happy. Wouldn't you do the same for her?

Answer 6

I think you are just being human. You are being mature about this and have asked him to meet at your house which is the most appropriate thing to do and since he wouldn't do it I wouldn't trust him either. He is married? I would tell your wife more on your feelings on this.
When I was in a similar situation I asked the other party to meet me with their g/f/b/f and they refused that's when I told my spouse there is noway I approve of their relationship if that other party isn't going to acknowledge me as part of their life.

Answer 7

I don't think its right for your wife to have communication with an ex because it might spark a flame there. She's married with kids she needs to act like an adult and move on. If you haven't met the guy its not right of her to continue talking to him. She needs to respect you, your kids, and your marriage above all. Tell her you don't "chat" with old flames and neither should she. From what your saying you don't think this is right and you should use your right and speak for yourself to your wife. Don't give her an inch because she will take a mile if you know what I mean. Women don't have male friends unless their going to do them and married women gave that right up when they got married. Tell your wife she needs to stop this now.

Answer 8

I think out of respect and love for you, she needs to tell him to find someone else to talk with and not contact her anymore. The fact that he chose not to meet you says it all. He is trying to get her back.

I have friends from my past that I chat with occasionally but we don't talk all the time. If any of it ever made my husband uncomfortable, I would write and tell them we can't write anymore and why.

Ask her to please stop now, then you start doing things to put spark back in your marriage so she doesn't have time to think about him.

I know of a marriage that was over 30 years old where the wife met online and chatted with a guy in another country and as time went on, she left her husband when they went on a trip overseas and that is when she announced to her husband she was leaving him for the other guy

Answer 9

I think that you have done the right thing... I mean you two have been married 22 years and have children I doubt that she would ruin that, but I do think that you should be completely honest with her... tell her tha you do not feel comfortable with the situation and that it bothers you and that you would feel better if she didn't talk to him. Even if she doesn't stop she will know how you feel and will be more cautious of her action with the X!

Answer 10

You should not feel threatened. You have been married for 22 years and if she had any feelings for this man she would have left you 22 years ago. I think that speaks loudly for the love she has for you.

If she is sharing some of her discussions w/ you, listen to what she is not saying in words... she feels so comfortable with yo and loves you she is sharing a private part of her past and making you part also.

No more jealousy (nasty emotion) go out to a beautiful romantic dinner and enjoy life with her again.