Depression answers please. Relationship problems???

Question

I have been diagnosed with depression. My marriage is under stress. I don't feel happy with my marriage, and I feel as though it may have something to do with my depression. I just don't know. We have nothing in common and don't have a good bond at all. He is a great guy, but I just don't feel that connected to him. My depression is taking its toll on me and it is a struggle to stay alive some days. Lucky for my 6yr old son. He is my reason to keep going somedays. Do you think that a poor bond with my husband is making me depressed. We are off to round two of marriage counselling and I just don't think its gonna work. We just don't talk, and I am a huge talker. I live in a remote town and am quite lonely. I don't have a great friendship with hubby so I feel even more alone. He insists everything is fine. I just feel so lost. We just went away for the w/end and hardly spoke, he just can't keep a conversation going and I find it very boring. I wonder if my depression is from trying to

keep believing I can do this. I just don't know what to do. I have spoken to hubby and he is well aware of the way I feel toward this. Its so hard because of my son, he is so attatched to my husband who is not his real father. Sometimes I feel as though I want to leave then other times I feel I don't. I do love my husband, we just do not gel together like I want to gel to my husband. How much longer can I keep doing this. I have no idea how to determine th right thing to do. I feel terribel saying this but he is so boring. He is not a bad person. We have been together for 4yrs. We just don't talk. We just don't have it. I talk with others perfect. Endless conversation happens. He is not only like it with me, he is like it with others. It does get me down. What to do???? Depressed and soooooo confused. I have felt this way about my marriage for quite some time. But keep hanging in there because he is a very decent person and I do love him, I just don't know if I'm in love anymore.

I am anti depressents and am having regular counselling sessions. I was feeling fine until we went away for the weekend and the non speaking or very little of it more to the point, just gets me thinking all over again. I have put my relationship on the back burner to work through my depression. But now its hard not to bring it to the front again, that is why I'm wondering if my marriage may well be the trigger to my depression.

Answer 1

I have been clinically depressed,on and off,for some time. And yes - the situation you're in can definatley bring it on. You're not happy,period. You're being oppressed,you're not living up to your potential and for sure,if you can't even talk and have it matter to someone,it can kill your very spirit. You deserve someone who CARES what you think and can communicate,especially for your son's sake because you need to take care of his mother.

Answer 2

I hear your pain. I have had a boring relationship, lasted for 13 years. She was a wonderful woman, I just found her boring. So I left. It was tough, though. Living in a small town must be difficult. your choices are severely limited. So, here are some suggestions. First, seriously consider moving away from the town, moving to a larger city. Problems...finding work and making a living. Next, begin a serious exercise program. It is almost impossible to feel depressed when you are exercising. So jump on a bicycle or run up and down stairs or a mountain or run around town. Whatever. But do it. Exercise, violently at least one hour a day and perhaps more. This will work to help your depression, doesn't cost much and when you are thinking more clearly perhaps you will consider more alternatives. I support you in your efforts and will pray for you.

Answer 3

Depression can have an affect on not only how you view yourself, but how you view others and your relationships with them. You should be talking to your doctor about your medication, if any, and the current symptoms of depression you are suffering from. This will be a big help to you! Please don't keep putting it off.

Well, your husband is boring. If you're a big talker, I'm not sure why you'd marry a man you can't have a conversation with, but luckily, that's what your female friends are for. He probably seems boring to you because you're putting too much conversational effort with him and burning things out. Too much of a good thing can get old quickly. Do more handholding and less lip-moving (unless you're kissing him).
He might not have much to say anymore, because you're saying too much!

You need to meet some women to talk to who love to talk as much as you do! Husbands aren't a replacement for friends.
Look for some activities in your community to become more involved in, if you can. Try and make some new friends (in real life, not online), or track down some old friends you've lost touch with (as long as they were good friends). You need to be a bit more social, I think.

Good luck!

p.s. I'd avoid making any decisions about your marriage until you've worked out the depression issue.

Answer 4

Depression is considered to be a chemical imbalance, and since you have been diagnosed with it, then it is probably overshadowing most matters of your life.
I doubt that a poor bond with your husband is making you depressed, although it is probably not helping much.
Are you being treated for the depression? If not, this can cast a shadow over everything and make everything seem bad. I know this for a fact.
Go see a doctor, a clergyman--someone you trust. Please! You mention it is a struggle to stay alive, and that sounds serious. There are medications that can help you, and many of them are not expensive at all. (I don't know if that is a factor or not; I just mention it is because it is for many.)
Once you get the depression under control with whatever means is necessary, then you will have the strength to do whatever you need to do in your marriage for your sake as well as that of your young son.

Answer 5

honey, you are doing the right thing by going to counseling. depression is a horrible monster that takes over your life, trust me I know. you can't be sure if it is your marriage causing it or not. some people are clinically depressed and nothing in your life really caused it. then some people are suffering from circumstantial depression that is when something going on in your life has caused it. The only way you can know is with continuous counseling. I have suffered from depression for years and it has made times in my marriage unbearable I know during these times I am almost impossible to live with. I make my husband and kids miserable. I have found some relief with medications, then some of it I have to do on my own. You can start with making yourself get out of the house. go for a walk, or go to the salon. The more exercise you get the better you start to feel. I know that is hard to do when you really don't want to get out of bed. but you just have to make yourself. I hope you can get help with this. Just don't give up. It will get better.

Answer 6

I went through something very similar in my first marriage. My ex could not talk to me about anything. We were married for 19 years before I did anything about it. He also was a "good" person, but I finally realized he suffered from a severe lack of social skills, and was very critical of me around others and especially when we were alone. He also had a bad temper, but never abusive, except verbally. Most of the time, we just passed like ships in the night, not speaking about anything except what he wanted for dinner.

When I was 49 years old, I finally realized that it was not ME who had the problem. I had been in counseling (he would not go) for a couple of months and on anti-depressents. I finally got the courage to leave him, and start over. It was a very difficult decision, the hardest of my life, but I had to do it. Now I am remarried to a great guy, who is very outgoing and talkative, which much more suits my personality. Plus, he treats me like a queen. While I am not nearly as financially secure as I would be if I had stayed in my first marriage, I can honestly say I am happier and feel a kinship and love that I would have missed out on the rest of my life. I encourage you to do all the soul searching you can, and make the best decision for you. Don't let fear stop you, make your plans, check with an attornery in your state before you leave to find out what your rights are, and good luck and bless you!

Answer 7

My husband and I have just been to a marriage enrichment retreat which opened my eyes to so many things I was doing wrong. I believe that every marriage must have the hope of survival but at the same time, if it ain't working it does not make sense staying in it especially feeling totally depressed. If there is love however, it is possible that it would conquer all. Thereis a website marriagemission.com which gives a lot of help in your direction. A spiritual approach is always good.

Answer 8

I haven't been diagnosed with depression but I have been depressed.When me and my husband got a divorce I was very depressed. Some days I didn't want to live and like you I have children and yes he is a very Good man but we wasn't working as a married couple but we are very good friends. We still talk and he is there for me. How I got over my depression is that I prayed to the lord to help me and guide me and I got away from the problem and I got into church and I start hanging with positive people. I read my bible and pray and I thank him for keeping me and loving me. Iv'e been divorce for 9years and I was married for 8 and i been knowing my ex-husband since 1984 and we are still respectful to each other. It was hard on the children at first but the lord healed their hearts to. So maybe you just need to get away by yourself for a while so that you can think and call on the lord he is waiting for you to talk to him. He is a very good listener. You can get free counseling from your pastor. listen to what the lord is telling you and you will be healed from that depression. Stop claiming that illness. There is power in the tongue. Rebuke that enemy of depression and it will flee. The lord do not tolerate divorce so maybe you guys should seperate if he is not trying to help. Don't you dare givein to taht and don' give up. You do for you and do what makes you happy but listen for the lord to guide you. Be still and listen.

Answer 9

I was too in this kind of relationship with my husband. I have been with him for 12 years. I really love my husband and we have some children. I know he wasn't my type in High School, we are so completely different. We are into diffrn't things and I have been thinking like you in the past. I am very talkative, he is quiet.
Then one day, I thought to myself, maybe we just need to do things together, take him and do something that you like. Go with him and do something that he likes. Listen to eachother on what you did that day, tell him one of your jokes, ask him for advices. You will then find out that you are missing out on a lot of things. I often felt like I was depressed just like you. But at the end, it was just shy of communication, thats all. Pretty soon, there will be no end to the conversation. ....

Answer 10

Your marriage stress may have something to do with your depression but just as likely, your depression may be causing your marriage stress. A man you love disappoints you by boring you but he is happy enough in the marriage and is a good father to your child. The marriage counseling doesn't seem to be working - did you think it was going to change your husband into a 'talker'? He may become more aware during counseling of your need to talk but he's probably not going to be transformed into that person you want him to be.
You could also just appreciate him for who he is. And not want to transform him (and thus save your marriage and thus rid yourself of depression, as your reasoning goes...) You could also appreciate the fact that he accepts you for who you are and is not interested in transforming you into something else. That is no small thing.
The poor bond with your husband could come from your basically needing deep friendships. They are harder to come by than good marriages! The lack of friends will isolate you and depress you faster than anything else - including money problems! If you have a group of kindred spirits to share your feelings with (which is what friends do, female friends, that is), you can put up with a less-than-ideal marriage. In your case, things are really pretty good but you are isolated. You look to your husband to fix that and fill in the empty spaces. That's a tall order to fill.
You can work in counseling on just getting your husband to talk more. That would help for awhile. However, long-term, you will feel 100% better if, along with the medication you've been taking, you get busy with lots of activities you share with like-minded people. Nowhere is it written that you have to share an interest or hobby with a husband. You can be an artist and he can be a truck mechanic and still be fine. You could collect antiques and he could be an accountant and you'd still be fine. He could build model trains and you could be a taxidermist and still be fine.
Is it possible to move from that remote town? A remote town can be quite lonely - also quite a bit of fun. Towns have characters, just like people. If you moved to a larger town that offered something different, you might experience a huge change in your feelings about life.
I sympathize with you - my husband is not a 'talker' and I am! I've had bouts of loneliness and certainly I've thought I was clinically depressed at times. I think my ideal job would be to talk all day on the radio or in any situation where you must talk, talk, talk. Whenever I have a situation that requires talking a lot, I get a lot of satisfaction from that; then I go home and I'm 'all talked out' and don't need to talk much at all. Knowing this has made it easier to understand my husband's and my dynamic: he works in an office that require him to interact and explain things all day. I can spend hours without coming in contact with anyone to talk to. When he comes home: BAM! I hit him with my need to converse about anything and everything. It's something I have had to work on - I'd love to come home and be 'all talked out' as he is.
At some point, you might enjoy going to a therapist on your own. Just to delve into what connections might make you happier in your environment now - and where to find good friends, if they are to be found. Talking for an hour each week to a trusted counselor is like hiring someone to be the good friend you need. At least you would still have your marriage intact - which is a good thing.

Answer 11

Conflict or anger itself does not have to cause an irreparable rift between partners. With good communication skills and a shared commitment to a marriage, even these are surmountable. How to save your marriage https://tr.im/FTIs8

However, at that point where one partner is at the brink of abandoning the relationship, how can the remaining partner save their marriage? If you are at the point where your spouse has asked for a divorce, what can you do?

You must realize first that, you do have a choice. Often, when confronted by a crisis, we find ourselves backed into a corner thinking we have no choice in the matter. How can we change the situation when it involves another person's feelings or decisions? While we cannot, must not and in no way manipulate, blackmail or threaten our partner into changing their mind, we can actually control how we react to the situation. If anything, you must realize that you still have control over yourself. You have the opportunity to look inward and take responsibility for your own feelings and actions and even have the chance to take personal inventory of what your partner is trying to tell you. Are there points in your marriage that must be changed? If so, respond appropriately and proactively.