I am a married man and now I am in love with a married woman. What should I do?

Question

I don't want any of us to divorce because we all have kids. She actually doesn't know I am in love with her but I can sense she is trying to avoid me. Should I honestly tell her? I am in great pain.

Thank you all for the quick answers. I know I am very guilty. I really don't want to steal the wife from another man. I have not had this kind of feeling/love for 18 years. I got really really attracted to this woman.

Is it possible that her avoiding me makes her more attractive? Why am I so crazy?

This is really not about lust, or a feeling of a school kid. In my life and work I have a lot of interactions with women. I have never had this feeling for another female in my over 10 years of marriage. Yes my marriage is not successful.

Yesterday there was a gathering where she and I could meet but I avoided it, as suggested by many of you. Yes, maybe I will continue not to see her and try to forget this. But this is a feeling that I feel very hard to forget. I highly value it. Like once in a life time!

Although I do appreciate many answers I got here, most of them are saying stop and no one really are very sympathetic to this. Are we supposed to be locked up?

Believe me this is a traditional family man. but not know why all of a sudden becomes a romeo.

Answer 1

You made promises to your wife when you married her. In almost all marriage ceremonies, one part goes, "... foresaking all others ..." If that or similar wording was in your vows, you promised to foresake all other romantic interests, not only those you might have had then, but for the remainder of your life. Sure, the law recognizes and permits divorce, which is a legal means of breaking such a promise, but the fact remains that you made it, and it is your responsibility to keep it. Divorce isn't supposed to be an easy way to break a promise you now find inconvenient. It is a means of legally ending a covenant that, for whatever reason, has become untenable. If there is no gross fault on your wife's part, and you file to be with someone else, you are at ethical fault.

You have to decide what your word is worth. Break it and you may pay nothing, but you may also lose the trust and respect of people you will one-day need. You may, in the years that follow, lose respect for yourself. Most people don't consider all the costs, and never realize what they have paid because they are too wrapped up in themselves and their desires to realize what they have lost.

Marriage is not a contract. It is not a matter of convenience. It is a covenant ... a legal arrangement wherein each party promises to behave in a specific manner regardless of what the others do. Think about that. You are a party to a covenant, and it is of your own will that you are a party to that covenant. What is your word worth?

Many years ago, I was married. Frankly, it was a miserable marriage. Friends called it "the marriage from hell." Before the wedding, she was all sweetness and light. After? We're talking some very bad memories. To her, marriage meant that she had won, and was now in control.

I fell in love with my best friend, who was beautiful, intelligent, caring ... pretty much everything a man could want. I said and did nothing, remaining only a friend. One night she had a good deal more to drink than usual, and I thought she was working herself up to do something. She certainly was. She offered me everything. I declined as politely as I could, saying that I was married, and even if I was miserable in that marriage, I had promised my wife that I would be faithful.

My wife eventually ran off with another man ... who she later ran off from to another, etc., etc., etc. I lost my best friend when I said no to her. My only regret is my dearest friend's timing.

I'm not saying this is a happy ending, or the only way to deal with your situation. It is the way I dealt with it. But, my conscience is clear, life went on, and I still have the respect of everyone I knew before and during my marriage ... including my ex-wife's family. So, again, what is your word worth to you? What is your conscience worth?

Answer 2

Oh Seashell grows weary of this type of question.
What you are doing is all about you. You're very unsettled right now. You need to come back down to earth. Your infatuated with this woman. You're in lust with her.
But you do not share the day to day realities of life with her. Screaming toddlers, bills, being sick, the in-laws etc. You get the picture.You think the two of you are going to have some type of fantasy life together where you both sail off into the sunset. Again it's not reality.
Why don't you start putting a little time and effort into your marriage so that you can stay with the mother of your children. Remember you were once crazy about her too. See if you can recapture some of what you used to have with this woman. You need to do the right thing.
P.S. There is no mention of your wife or her feelings. It's like she doesn't even exist in your new little fantasy world. Very sad.

Answer 3

Leave the other woman alone. Spare her of the pain and anguish it would cause her and her family. She is probably avoiding you for this particular reason, respect her wishes and do the same.
Speak to your wife, perhaps dont come straight out and say your in love with another woman, but let her know how you feel about her and discuss ways in which you could make your relationship healthier for the sake of your children. You need to decide together whether your marriage is worth salvaging and if the love you two once share is long gone, or just fading.
Avoid the other woman, and try to enjoy your own family while you can.

Answer 4

Sounds like a little fantasy thing to me. How can you be in love with her and there is no interaction? No, you have a school boy's crush.
She is avoiding you, that says she has no plans to accept your advances, should you make it known. She would probably tell her husband and your wife, then what? How do you know this woman? Is she a co-worker, a neighbor, someone who is part of the same social circle as you & your wife?
Ask yourself, what it is that attracts you to this woman? What do you see in her that you don't see in your wife? This is just something you are going through. Seek counseling and work on spicing up your marriage.

Answer 5

I'm not married but I've had several crushes in my life and the best option is to get away from her and don't tell her. If you care about her so much then you'll leave her alone and won't breakup her family. She probably already has an idea that you like her because she's avoiding you and doesn't feel the same way. So just stay far away from her if you can. If you can't, then you'll end up screwing over your marriage and hers. Try and direct that 'love' back to your own wife.

Answer 6

No. She's avoiding you, so clearly, she also realizes what in skate here.
Work on your marriage at home, make love to your wife, and enjoy your kids.

As for the "other woman", better to try to forget about her. It's a losing situation. Too many people get hurt with affairs at the end (the wife, the kids, the husband, the other family...), so it's just not worth it.

Answer 7

I'm sorry, I feel really bad about the whole thing... I have to say that I've been in the same exact situation, but u really need to ask yourself is this making u happy? And its obviously confusing u. I think I could give u good advice without judgement so I wish u could shoot me an e mail. But u also need to think @ your wife and her husband. U might not even know how much ur wife really loves u. If u really wanna do the right thing, u should tell the 'other woman' what u truly feel. A lot of women wait on men. And what's the worst? U get rejection... But that may save ur future with ur wife. I just hope ur not blaming this on your wife, its really not her fault and it would be fair for her to know the truth. U see my name, just add yahoo to it... Hopefully I said something that could help U!

Answer 8

You are a married man, if you have relations with anyone else you will be committing adultery. God says let your own wife intoxicate you. Deny your self the feelings for this other woman and avoid her at all costs. Adultery is a sin and has dire consequences. You do have free will and you can commit adultery if you so choose, but you can not choose the consequences. You are walking on dangerous ground. Remember your marriage vows, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer until DEATH do us part. What God joins together let no man put asunder. The marriage bed shall not be defiled.

Answer 9

See a counselor, or tell your wife and end it. You don't want a divorce because of the kids? Do you know what cheating does to a family? If you hurt their mother and she has a hard time dealing with the betrayal, the whole family pays. Either see a counselor or have the nerve to end it - Your family I would assume deserves some respect.

Answer 10

If the married woman you love is your wife then tell her if it isn't then keep your mouth closed and stay away from this woman. She obviously wants to stay away from you because she is feeling uneasy about the situation. Do the adult thing and work on your relationship with your wife or get a divorce before you start new relationships. How would you feel if this was your wife doing this to you? Do the right thing.