I'm not in love with my husband.?

Question

We have been together for almost 5 years now, and always had problems, we recently got married, and now we are getting ready to have a baby. i dont love him. and i kinda new this before we got married but i wasnt sure, but now i am. so here i am about to buy this house with him and have OUR baby, and can barely stand the sight of him. I already love this baby so much and thats why im still with him. If we were to go our separate ways right now then i would have no way of making mine and my babies life better. i need him to help support us just long enough to get through school and get a real career, but i just dont know how i can handle that. as a soon to be mother,i feel that ive already failed my child for not being in love with her father. Please can someone give me some advice or at least tell me im not crazy, even if it is a lie.

Answer 1

I don't know about crazy, but you've certainly behaved very irresponsibly. You got married to a man who you weren't entirely sure you *didn't* love and now you've brought a child into this toxic situation. This prison you find yourself in is entirely of your own making as far as I can tell. You decided to get married even when you had some major doubts and you chose to go ahead with further commitments even as those doubts became certainties.

The one question you haven't really answered is why you feel this way about your husband. It's one thing to say the passion is gone or you just don't feel the same way anymore, but you're saying you can barely stand the sight of him. Why? If he does something to really merit such hatred from you, like being abusive, you need to leave NOW for the sake of your child if not yourself. But if it's because he doesn't tell you he loves you every day or you fight a lot or he doesn't share you interests or your so sure you could do better or looking at him just reminds you what a mess you've made of your life, then you need to take a step back and think about whether your expectations for this relationship are realistic or not.

What you are talking about doing is selfish and dishonest and doesn't really benefit anyone but you. Think of how you would feel if the situation was reversed, if you worked for years to support your husband and he came to you one day and said "You know, I actually don't think I ever loved you and by now I can hardly stand to look at you, but I thought I'd stick around so you could support me until I got through school and started on a real career. So now that you've done that, I'll be taking off. Ta." You may feel that this would be best for your baby, but that may not be true. Like it or not, one of the major things a couple does for their child is provide an example of what a marriage is, not by what they say, but by how they act. What is your baby going to learn from your marriage? That marriages are loveless shams in which no one is happy? That married people are dishonest with each other? That it's OK to pretend you love someone and take his money for your own gain?

If you're going to dig yourself out of this hole, you have to start being honest. Think very hard about why you feel the way you do about your husband. Then sit down and talk to him honestly about the situation. He may well be hurt and angry, but he's only going to be more so if you drag this out. The best compromise you may be able to reach is something that will ensure that the baby is still well taken care of. I doubt he'll much care about whether your life gets better or not, but you both need to think about what's best for the bbaby no, not yourselves.

You say you'd like people to tell you that you're not crazy, even if it's a lie. I'm not willing to do that and I'm afraid this philosophy may be how you got yourself into this situation in the first place. You told your husband what you though he wanted to hear instead of what you were really feeling. So do you really want me to just tell you "It's OK. You're not crazy. It's not your fault." and other empty platitudes? Or do you think it's time you started respecting the truth a little more?

Answer 2

You are not crazy!

I have noticed over the years that I have been married that love changes as time goes by. That first passionate love becomes an entirely different thing after being together for several years, and an even different thing after children come along. Twenty years down the road and we have been though so much, and we had times when I thought I didn't love my husband any more, only to almost loose him in an accident which made me realize how my life would be if I lost him.

You must have felt something for this man to live with him, conceive a child and then marry him.

I would suggest waiting, while you are going through a pregnancy is not the time to make this kind of decision.. the hormonal changes can bring this on.. I'd also suggest seeking counseling, be careful of postpartum depression (it honestly sounds like you are having it now). If you are unsure where to find a counselor ask at your ped's office, I am sure they will know.

Answer 3

Im not going to rag you on the "whys" or belittle you for your actions as some people already did. You went blindly into the abyss of life and hey you ended up here, mistake have been made and lesson have been learned ( i hope), you only came out with expirence in what not to do, Obivosely you dont want to become that woman that remain silent in till mid 40's before haveing a menal breakdown cuz you wasted your life aways with a man you never loved.
and to be honest , it more of a heart ache for your daughter in the long run , if you stay with him, then she feels the guilt for your unhappyness

im going to give you a piece of adive, that a wise man once said.... and that man was Dane Cook lol

Dont stay in a relationship and years later end it violently.

go up to him and say, "were over , arnt we? well we had some good ones"

and the whole finacialy unstable part, well, id start saving now
actually if i was you. i would tell your "husband" the truth . that you insanley confused about everthing even your emotions and some how you slipped into the nitch and came to this point right here. Telling him , you adore him but not love and in the end thats not what marriage is about so why hang on to somthing that is fiction.

noting is impossible, just dont make it highly improbable.

you will go back to school, you will raise a not so rebilous child lol and you will not stay in a marriage with a man you do not love

simple logic commen sense

just use your noggin kiddo

ps im a fool for having bad spelling

Answer 4

Once a child is involved, it's not about you anymore. It's time to open up the book. Be honest to him and yourself. There are alot of mistakes in this relationship but there will be a lot more mistakes if you don't fix this now. You should think about what problems in the past years that made you stop loving him. Talk about all these things to him and see if there's anything you can learn and improve from those problems in the past. If you want this marriage to work, let him know what you want but first think about what you are willing to compromise to make it work. You must also prepare yourself and be open to what he wants in this relationship. However, if you do agree divorce is best, you both need to make great effort to put your personal differences aside and just focus on the well being of the child. Who is to say there isn't going to be a "better life" if you go your separate ways? There a lot of things that material items and money cannot pay for. A better life for a child is a happy and healthy child.

Answer 5

You are NOT crazy. And that isn't a lie!
What is very important is the happiness and well being of this babies Mom.
That will be more important that money or "a better life".
Does your husband know how you feel? Did you ever love him? If so what changed. If you let him in on what is going on with you there might be a possibility for change. I know that seems like a crazy request but I think starting there might be a good idea.
You will be making decisions together for the rest of this babies life. Clue him into what is going on even though he will feel totally hurt but you gotta start somewhere.

Answer 6

I would say that some of this is the hormones. I would also say, if you knew that you didn't love him, then you shouldn't have married him. This way... what you put out there is gonna come back. You are letting him dig a hole deeper and deeper without telling him your feelings. If he is so bad, then don't use him. He can't be all that bad, you're having his child. I hope you don't leave thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. Your child deserves it's dad. Do you know how hard it is raising a kid without a farther? It is really hard for boys. The streets is just waiting for them. They don't want a step dad, they want their dad. I'm having this problem right now with my son. He's 16 and resent his father and yet, when asked... do you want me to remarry your dad. He say yes.

Answer 7

Well, I have a problem with the "no way of making mine and MY babies life better". It's not YOUR baby, it's both of your child. I hope you aren't assuming that after he pays your way through school, you'll be able to leave him and take the child. What a terrible way to treat someone who loves you! Don't stay with him just to support you - that's cold hearted and manipulative. If you love your baby so much, then be good to her father. You owe her (and him) that.

Pregnancy hormones can cause all sorts of crazy thoughts, and it's possible that that's part of the reason for your feelings. Stay, stick it out. After your child is born, you may realize what a great man he is by seeing what a great father he is, and you may fall in love with him all over again.

Either way, you owe it to everyone involved to try and remain a family. Believe me, every marraige has bumpy spots. Go to counseling, tell him you're having a hard time with things (chances are, he's noticed that things are strained) and make an honest effort to resolve whatever issues are causing you to doubt your feelings.

Answer 8

You are not crazy. That is such a double edged sword. The burdens you carry with your marriage however will definitely be transferred to your child's state of mind without you even realizing it. So if you stay with him how do you know things won't get worse and just keep dragging on? That happened to my mother-in-law and it took her 25 years to realize that she was never going to "get what she wanted". You only fail your child if you put your head between your legs and do nothing. I think staying with him is just using him and that is a horrible thing to do to a person. You both can move on but you really dug yourself in deep. I hope you get some counseling to try and build your self esteem so that you realize how to make better decisions.

Answer 9

I don't think you are crazy at all. I think that you should talk to someone (eg.lawyer) and see what your options might be. Trust me if you decide to stay with him for the sake of your baby things will not get better but worse and it will take more of a toll on the childs life as they will be able sense these things as opposed to someone who doesn't live together but still gets along for the sake of the child.

Answer 10

first off,if you knew you did not love him,you should not have married him!!! just because you are going to have a baby is no reason to stay with him,think about the problems you are setting your child up for if you stay!! every state has some type of child support law in place,he has no way of not helping you support your child unless of course he is not the father.lastly do not buy a house with him if you are not going to stay,if you divorce you well just have to sell it anway..my only other advice to you is to grow up,you made a bad mistake,do not make it worse by staying with someone you do not love..the child well be able tell