Why can't indian parents be more accepting?

Question

Is it usual for a Indian man who is 29 years old to still have his parents decide who he will marry or who he won’t marry?

Why won't he's parents let him marry the girl he wants to marry...instead forces him to marry a girl whom they chose for him or incase it is love marriage, then he only can marry a girl of his race...

Why because parents brought you into this world -they think you owe it to them to marry someone who they chose for you...I mean in the end its you whom will marry the person and have to live with that person not your parents, and sometimes even when the marriage is sour- you have to stay in that marriage just because you don't want to put disgrace on your family and don't want to have to face society- that is why sometimes arrange marriages last longer...

And this thing about mothers fearing that if their Indian son or daughter marries a non- Indian, then that generation will loose their culture forever…Don’t the parents trust their Indian sons or daughters to teach the non Indian spouses and kids the culture?

If you’re an Indian and your child decides that they will marry someone of a different race, you should be happy for them, instead of looking what nationality they are- You should be more interested to find out whether that person is good at heart or not hence and suitable match for your child, instead of just thinking because this person is not Indian by heritage…therefore there is no way that the marriage will last…

I can tell you that I know a lot of Indians who had an arrange marriages yet they are not happy, and although they want out- they hang on in their just to keep their parents happy…
There is good and bad in every culture, Indian mother’s constantly be saying to their sons “oh I will find you a goddess Indian girl, because only Indian girls make good wives” but see not every Indian wife is going to be a goddess, and not every woman who is from the west is going to cause trouble in marriage, having affairs, getting divorced etc…(as Indian parents assume).

I know Indians who marries non-Indian and the marriage last..
Same as I know Indians who marries other Indians from which their parents chose. Which didn’t last..

And to say that it will be harder for the couple because it is an interracial marriage- is just barbaric, but see sometimes its not society who makes the couple face hell but it’s the very parents who didn’t want to accept the marriage since day one.

People should be more open minded……

What are your views?

ebachelor2004, i was reading your post, and you were sounding intelligent untill you say about your indian religion been stronger than any other religion, how dare you say that.....you are way too proud, that is what it is....

ebachelor2004, your obviously don't know anything about the christian religion...so pls don't tell me that worhipping man made idols is stronger than western religion

Answer 1

The Indian culture is more family and community based, and most Indians are proud of who they are, and they come from an ancient civilization that is over 5000 years old practicing the oldest religion in the world. Unlike in the West where it's all about the individual. To an Indian the family and thecommunity is everything and a lot is expected from every member of the family. So yes, because my parents brought me into this world, yes I do owe them something. Not only did hatever I want. Or I'm 18 and I'm an adult you can't tell me what to do. Indians don't look at it like that. It's a life given to me by my parents, it's an honour and I'm thankful for it, and it's not even mine to take. Have you heard the term "the gift of life" ? That's exactly what it is. So yes, forget the guy who is 29 yrs old, even if he's 50 years old he will obay his parents. What's more is that, the Indian child can only see that his parents have his best intentions at heart. What else could a parent have for their child? Any parents would want to do good and want the best, at least as they see it, for their child.

It's not the norm for Indians to date and marry other peoples (or races). How could it be, when we have so many barrieres marrying within ourselves due to Caste, religion, language, culture, status etc. etc. So we have many differences within ourselves and parents are often against marriages with other Indians due to several diferences, so it's just not peoples of other cultures or races. Still, when marriages in India do occur between different cultures, they can still be looked over since they're both Indian. This is not the case with non-Indans where I believe we have too many differences with other cultures and peoples, and if any Indians do get married outside of the Indian race then they really have to work hard at making it work, because when you marry an Indian, you're not marrying the individual (like if an Indian marries someone from another race), but you marry the whole family. The individual often has to be acceptable by the whole family. It's easier for other peoples to marry an Indian, but the reverse is not the case, i.e. an Indian wanting to marry someone else other than an Indian. Our religion, culture and family sturcture
is very strong, much stronger than many other cultures. This is why you'll see Indians where ever they are, and however long they have been there, still maintaining their culture, religion etc. Examples include, Guyana, the Carribean countries, South Africa, Surinam, East Africa, Fiji, Mauritius, Malyasia, Singapore etc.. Indians have been in these countries for several generations, and yet they still have no problem marrying each other, or marrying Indians from the mainland. There's even an Organization for the Indian Diaspora that gathers in India annually for the sake of business, cultural exchange (maintanance)and religious discussion. From this you should get some idea as to how dispersed the Indians might be, and yet still are very close to each other and look towards the motherland for continuity. I was born in the UK, and I'm one of them.

So yes, there's a genuine fear from parents that a child of such a marriage would not know or accept Indian culture. The Indian parent can teach as much as he can but the child is not purely Indian and will have greater difficulty in coping with the stricter kind of culture, especially if the other parent doesn't understand it or disagrees with the Indian parent as to how the child is to be brought up. This is not the only fear that Indian parents have, they see Western culture as as a decadant one, with a soaring divorce rate and many familial problems, like single parents, children disobeying their elders, high drug culture, pre-marital sex, teenage sex and pregnancies etc. and now we have people of the same sex living together with the question of whether they should be allowed to marry or not. This is something that is unacceptable to Indians, however, they do understand this is how things are in the West, but they do not and can not say anything, but only make efforts to stay away from it, and keep their children from it. They also find it strange as to how a couple that had been married for 40 years, decides to get divorced. This is another fear that parents have if their child marries someone from the West. I'm sure you're probably saying well it's better to be divorced than to be in an unhappy marriage. Again, you have to look it from the Indian point of view. To Indians marriage is often for life, there's no concept of divorce amongest Indians in general, and espeically Hindus. There isn't even a word for divorce in Hindi. Yes marriage is work, and you have to work at it even if it means spending your entire life working on it. This is difficult for someone in the West to comprehend, but you have to have grown up in that culture, you have to understand the Indian psyche, religion etc.

Furthermore, with regards to your comment, "...I mean in the end its you whom will marry the person and have to live with that person not your parents...." Actually in India we have joint families, so yes, the married couple would be living with the parents. There's no concept of this is my parents house so we can't live here, and the parents would be quite upset and offended if their son and daughter inlaw didn't live with them. As rediculous as it may sound in the West, this is how it is. If there's a couple that has 4 male children, then all are expected to live in the same house with their wives and the parents. Often in India homes are extended as the family size increases, and people purchase large plots of land, or it's inherited property, with the intention of the family growing and more building. Or the they will move somewhere else and build so that the growing family can be accomodated for. However nowadays, children and thier spouses are living away from their parents, but not like miles away, often very close to them, so that they can still look after their parents.

If a someone from the West can adopt the Indian culture, voluntarily and whole heartedly then I think there wouldn't be any problems. But that's probably unrealistic, and I often here that from people in the West say that it's all about love. Actually it's not all about love at all, not from the Indian view. Love is only a small part of it. There are so many things one has to consider when entering into a marriage. AND this is what the Indian parents are considering (the other things such as religion, culture, etc.) when their child comes to them and tells them I want to marry someone from another culture or race. If it was all about love then we wouldn't be having this discussion.

Answer 2

As an Indian American, who's family is from KERALA just like your boyfriend, I'll just say be careful. Chances are, his parents will make him break up with you. India is already a conservative place. They date for sex, not for relationships. They date, have sex, then break up and go for an arranged marriage. Ontop of that, KERALA is the most CONSERVATIVE place in India. You're better off finding an Indian guy who's parents aren't the do this or die control freaks over their kids. I'm lucky enough to have parents like that but most are not. There's a chance they might give in due to the fact that you're in the US (I think). If by some sad chance, you DO break up with him and decide to go for another Indian guy, do NOT go for guys FROM India. Go for westernized Indian guys who are raised in Western countries. All the Indians raised in the West that I've met have all married and live happily, whereas Indians from India that marry white girls have always ended badly due to the vast cultural differences.

Answer 3

As an Indian American guy (Parents from India) I've seen that people back in India are very closed minded, mostly because its their culture. My parents are very open minded and I can marry whoever I want, I can even get an arranged marriage if I want, though I won't. The saddest thing is, Indians, even if they DO want to date, mess everything up because they don't know how to date.
Dating, love marriages and the rest are something they saw in a Hollywood movie and want to copy. I've been to India several, several times, and sooo many of them are just Hollywood wannabes. They say words like F***, B****, A*hole, C***, etc. All words that are swear words that are predominantly used in the US. They say it because they think it sounds cool. Women in India are different from women from the west. Its best to stick with Indians if you were born and raised in India.

Answer 4

My husband is Indian and I am American. His parents didn't have a problem with us getting married, and they are gracious and kind. The sister in laws however are a different story, but they don't have a problem with me being American. They think that because their brother won't run and jump everytime they demand something that it must be my fault. Truth is that now that we are married, he has his own "family" to look after now, they have their own husbands to do for them. But none of the issues we have pertain to his culture or mine. As far as our children go, obviously it will be their choice who they want to marry. We couldn't care less if their potential spouse is white, black, asian, indian, etc. My focus will be two things only: "Does this person make my child happy?" "Does this person show the love and respect that they should?" I think most parents are like this nowadays, though there are some (who for reasons only known to them) think that they are the best judge of who their child should marry.

Answer 5

Staying in or departing from an unhappy marriage has nothing to do with parents or culture - it has to do with the person's tolerance and how much they are willing to be "stepped on".

Whether a person accepts or rejects the advice of their parents regarding marriage has nothing to do with culture as much as it has to do with the respect, honour and trust the person carries for his/her parents.

And there is ample empirical evidence to show that marriages based on "free choice" are just as apt to fail and result in hatred and suffering.

I agree that people will not be hurt if they learn to open their minds....but it has to be a voluntary decision or the decision is not truly theirs.

In life, one can only seek the truth and when the truth has been found, whatever it is, be grateful for having the opportunity to learn that which you did not know before.

And sometimes truth can be painful. Sometimes happy.

In love and in marriage there should be truth in purpose, in devotion and in the connection between the two people.

I wish you truth, devotion, love and the sacred connection! :)

Answer 6

My dear friend I am married to a Indian from India, We all have our own opinion about faith, I for 1 don"t believe in Hindu. I believe we all trust in the the same god but we have learn in a different way's to worship god. it is not bad or good. No matter what I feel just because we all might worship God different or see thing's different it does not mean it is wrong. Please don"t look at others bad because we don"t worship the same way you do or anyone else. No matter what we all have feeling's no matter what back ground or faith or how we worship God. Please always think about this we all are human and we all have our own problems and some of us go through the something like everybody Else no matter what race or color or country we come from.
India is used to their way's according to a friend of mine from India. They say they are slowly changing their way's it depends now on the family. Some family's in India they are used too the old way's and they don"t like change. Some India people look at change at bad thing some look at it as a good thing. Like one thing I am not happy with being married to a Indian family they don"t want to talk out problems they avoid the problem then do time then they will act like nothing ever happened and I think that is wrong and not healthy way of dealing with thing's.

Answer 7

It is a matter of culture for them, while many of us no longer believe in what they call "Arrange Marriages", we struggle to try & figure out why some families still try to do it today. They want to respect & follow their culture. I personally don't believe in Arrange Marriages, it's too old fashioned & it's the year 2007. I think that no matter what race you are, you should marry the person your in love with & that love you back, not someone your parents prefer. It's not ethical anymore, it's weird & there should be made a law to prevent it.

Answer 8

I think it would depend on how he was raised and where he was raised. some countries have more traditional ways of being...where as other countries are more free about it. seems to me like this indian man that you are referring to has very traditional ways of being. if he wants to do what he wants to do then he will need to GROW A SPINE and stand up to his parents and his family (and friends and anyone else trying to control his life).

Answer 9

because all of the Indian people are narrow minded,they think only they have good culture and all of the modern people are bad or they have not culture