What would you do now?I'm more hurt then mad.I can't let it go.?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 8 ys. I found some e-mails of his talking about sex and the past w/ this one girl form his childhood(the school ****) . I was really hurt by him talking to her "dirty". Would you feel hurt by this? Am I making a big deal about this? He has told me million time and express his love for me since. He told me he's really sorry.
The thing is this isn't the first or second it's the third time this has happened. Once before we first starting dating then when we got engaged and now. He doesn't go out and have sex but he talks about it and gets emotionally attatchd. I see it as cheating because it feels like he has betrayed me. Am I right to feel this way?
I don't think our sex life is bad it's actually quite good. If anything my drive is going strong but his seems to have lower.
I just don't know if I'm overacting or if maybe I should be more upset.
I told him I forgave him b/c had had my gallbadder remove and didn't what to be fighting.

Answer 1

Your husband is having what is known as an emotional or cyber affair, equally as hurtful and damaging as an actual extramarital affair. Yes, you should be angry.

If I were you, I would consider couples counseling. Sit down and have a heart to heart with him. He knows what he's doing is wrong. He needs to know that this behavior will NOT be tolerated by you. Tell him to either stop it for good or he's gone, and then make good on your promise.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I feel for you. I truely do. I think you have every right to be upset. I know I would be. Talking dirty is something that should only happen with your significant other. Your sex life may be good right now, he may have apologized but he hurt you, and that hurt will always be there, the thought of this will be hard to get past. Couples who love each other should be able to trust and share. He must have something to hide, other
wise he would not be emailing this girl in the first place. I am married, and I have an old bf that I recently found, and I share emails, phone calls and such with my husband. I talk to this man alot, and we are friends, and I love my husband, and I want to continue both my friendship as well as my marriage, which is why I share, and if your husband was not hiding something, and was not ashamed, and loved you, as well as respected you, he would be open about all that is going on.
If his emotions are involved, than there is more problems than you know. If it has happened 3 times, this is probably not the last. I would suggest that you stop it before it goes any further.
Good luck. I am a good listener, if you would like to email me to vent.

Answer 3

Actions speak louder than words, so even if he says he loves you, yeah, he can still love you, but his doing something that hurts you so much means he has no respect for you or your marriage.
Whatever it is he thinks he's missing that he has to get it somewhere else, you two need to be talking about. I'm not saying in any way that you're not satisfying him, as you said, the sex was good, but he might think doing this makes him feel young and virile. Maybe there's other outlets the two of you can explore together.
Meanwhile, if he won't go into couples counseling with you, go alone, even if briefly. If you have insurance, it's likely they'll approve a few sessions and an objective person can give you a perspective you might miss on your own. Good luck.

Answer 4

Yes, it is cheating.

I'd skip the counseling, and invest in a divorce lawyer instead. You picked the wrong guy. This one lacks integrity, and principals, and is untrustworthy. These were character traits you were supposed to pick up on before you married him, and it seems as though you did, but ignored them.
All the counseling in the world isn't going to create proper values within a moral vacuum. Counseling is your idea not his, so if you feel the need for it, I'd suggest you pursue it individually and be completely honest with your therapist.

What you should have said is "he hasn't gone out and had sex that i know of, but he talks about it..." Are you going to wait until the little man works up the nerve? If he was satisfied with you, he wouldn't be "playing" online, and with time his dissatisfaction will grow, and you'll be more emotionally threatened than you already are.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who you need to wonder about constantly. Let me remind you that YOU found those e-mails. Aren't you curious about the things you haven't found?

If you have children, it'll make things a bit harder, but for them to be growing up in the type of relationship you'll have would probably be more damaging, anyway. If you don't, then do this as soon as possible.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

You should be hurt and yes it is cheating. But, now that this is the third time he's betrayed you, whatcha' gonna' do bout' it?
He's already proven to you that his word is no good. Saying, "I'm sorry" and then going out and doing it again is not sorry at all. He's giving you lying lip service. Ask yourself, Is this the kind of person who will make me happy for the rest of my life? If not, you need to move on and quit being a doormat.

Answer 6

Yes, you're right to be hurt and mad. And he is totally wrong and doing his own kind of cheating.
The thing about talking dirty to someone is - you are trying to get a reaction from them. If you're the kind of creep who calls women on the phone and talks dirty just so they will call you 'disgusting' and hang up on you, then that's one thing. If you talk dirty to someone who doesn't have that response, you think you are connecting somehow with them sexually, arousing them, showing off your sexual prowess by bragging about it, promising something you teasingly MIGHT NOT deliver but then again, you might.
He is going to say he's sorry. It is something to be sorry about. He's done this a couple of times. He doesn't seem to know why he does it? Perhaps a marital counselor would help clear that up for you two.

Answer 7

Well, if you are mad at all, you have every right to be.

His behavior was unacceptable. I believe if you would have taken part in the same sort of thing with a high school flame you had, hubby would hit the ceiling.

I don't feel that you are over reacting. However, I'd be careful about whether or not your man is being forthcoming with you.

It is betrayal because he was doing something that he shouldn't have and he was hiding it from you.

Stand your ground and don't play the fool. Be strong and don't be afraid to ask him questions.

Answer 8

Look im a man although never done this but hard to say it could or couldnt lead to the bigger picture of doing it instead of talking but you are right if i was in your shoes it might as well be the same thing either way. But then again 8 years is a long time to just throw away something that you love you know? Well be safe m friend.

Answer 9

Well it sounds as if your husband has self esteem issues. He finds his worth in being wanted in a sexual manner by other women. Not saying he will stray but to some men this is a ego boost and a esteem lifter. Perhaps he has fantasies going on that he feels uncomfortable asking you to fullfill or looks at you as the "virgin" and wont dare defile you. Perhaps a sex therapist might be in order if he is open to this. Or a group with married males dealing with the same issue. Good luck and try not to be hard on him but definately let him know its a problem for you that needs to be resolved.

Answer 10

I don't know what to tell you other than any kind of inappropriate action can be viewed as cheating, if he has to hide it from you because he knows you will be upset, then yes he is crossing the line and he knows better. He's a repeat offender, and THAT would be the part that would be hard for me to get past. I think you need to let him know that as much as you'd like to forgive and move past it, that it keeps popping up in your mind and you aren't quite sure how to deal withe hurt, then ask him what he thinks and put the ball in his court. Good Luck.