Am I a horrible person?

Question

5 years ago, we decided to marry. Two years ago, we got our marriage license.

We were madly in love, and we went through so much to get together. We married against our parents wishes, and I haven't spoken to my father in almost 2 years.

But now, I feel nothing. Whenever we spend a week or two together, we spend most of our time fighting. I no longer see her as the beautiful person (in body, mind, and spirit) that I used to see. We don't get along, we have nothing in common, and we don't even share the same interests and goals in life. I honestly don't remember why I wanted her so much, except that I was happy when I was with her, but that's gone now, and I see no reason for us to be together.

I told her this, and she did not take it well. She says that I ruined her life. What can I do? Can I just leave without any "real" reason?

But can I live forever like this? Yet, if I leave, how can I ever trust myself to be with another woman? Won't I just hurt another person?

No, thankfully, we don't have any children.

I keep hearing things like "reignite" and "give it another shot"... How exactly does one go about doing that? It's not like we hate each other. We can tolerate each other, but we're not happy together. How do you change that?

As for how did this happen; I just have a guess: I've always thought that perhaps the reason we fell for each other was because we saw what we wanted to see instead of the truth. As time passed, I got to know her more and saw that she wasn't the goddess I imagined.

Answer 1

I have been with my husband for 8 years now. We married on our 7 year anniversary (last July). We met in high school...I was only 15. we both started feeling this way around the 5 year mark (I likened it to the 7 year itch I've heard couples get). Anywho, I decided to change my attitude and adjust the way I was reacting to my husband (boyfriend at the time). Our relationship got better, we started getting along better and eventually he too starting reacting better to me. The arguments seemed to be over the dumbest or most petty things most of the time...almost like siblings fighting.

I say you adjust your attitude first, show her that you are trying to renew your relationship and genuinely want things to get better, give it a shot at least. You may even consider counseling just to get issues out on the table with a professional who can guide you through it. If this does not work, then if you feel you need to leave, do so on good terms and do not start any new relationships until this one is completely finished...make it an amicable breakup if there has to be one.

Answer 2

I don't think you're a horrible person because you are only telling the truth. You obviously care about your wife even though it's not the way you think you should or else you wouldnt be asking this question. I am in a similar situation but we have a 15 month old son and its hard to think about leaving when he needs both parents. You say that you two dont hate each other now but if you stay together you may start to and it will end bad. She is going to hurt and it will break her heart but she'll get over it and realize that it was for the best. I hope that everything works out for you but I think that you should be happy and if youre not happy with her you need to tell her and leave instead of leading her on.

Answer 3

Dude have you not heard the saying "Opposites Attracts". If you agreed on everything, then you would be writing here to say how bored you are.

Your marriage is not over, but it is just lost under the unsettled arguments that you have had over the years. And the guilt of not talking with you father is part of the problem. Immediately get marriage counseling and start working on mending this relationship and then get in touch with your father. Parents will always forgive their children, that is called unconditional love.

If you walk away now, then you are nothing more then a loser and you have only provide your parents right and everyone else who were against your marriage.

Most of your problem are caused by your unwilling nature to compromise (both of you) its now become pride issue. There is nothing worng in being the first one to kiss and makeup. When you enter the door, you leave your pride outside. You made a commitment in life....

Commitment, Compromise and Care (includes love) this should be the mantra for your marriage life. Marriage is a whole lot of hard work my friend, its not only about pleasure. Good luck.

Answer 4

Love changes with time... after the passion cools the love is different, especially with all the responsibilities in a marriage like work, bills, family problems, ect.

I know many people will tell you to get out, that you deserve to be happy and so forth, but I'm going to give you my opinion even though it might not be as popular.

marriage is a serious commitment. it shouldn't be taken lightly and you shouldn't get a divorce at the first sense of trouble. I'm not going to tell you to stay with her because of guilt but you deserve it to her and your marriage to try and make it work, try marriage counseling maybe a vacation or a getaway weekend.

You will always wonder if you did the right decision by leaving and not giving a last chance... if you get married again will you just leave again the next time the passion leaves?

Answer 5

You made a vow with God. No you don't want to live in misery forever, but are you wanting to break your promise with God?
Think back to when you guys we're madly in love, (and you no doubt can remember since you mentioned it) re-live it!
And someone else said it, you do hit a bit of a itch. Ive only been married 3 years, and we have a daughter a house, the whole shabang, things get overwhleming, stresses there's never a end to them. But you really have to not give into that and keep being kind to each other. Whatever you both do that ticks the other off don't be a ***, just don't do them.

Answer 6

Have you tried marriage counseling with your wife? I mean, you must have felt SOMETHING for this person, to totally go against your family's wishes and marry her despite their advice to the contrary. Something tells me you were probably too young to get married, which is why your parents were so against it in the first place. But...you did it, and you have a responsibility to make it work out.

Welcome to marriage, it's not all fun and games, moonlight, magnolias and romance. Sometimes it's drudgery, hard work, and is about as unromantic as it gets. But that's where true intimacy comes into play, because as you face life's challenges together as a team, you become closer together. When you married her, you promised to love, honor, and cherish her for better or for worse, in good times and in bad times, etc. etc. It wasn't until you got bored with her, and realized that you don't really have all that much in common with her, and that you really aren't all that happy anymore. If you're not happy with your marriage, you need to take a good look in the mirror to find at LEAST 50% of the problem of why you're not happy.

Answer 7

You thought she was something she wasn't? Huh, did you not get to see what she was like while dating? You had an imagine of what she should be and what marriage would be and when that failed your wanting to up and leave. We can have big expectations and when that person doesn't stand up to our expectation of them we don't see them in the same light. Next time make sure your expectations is exactly what she is going to be. You've hurt her and she didn't have all this hype of being a goddess.

Answer 8

maybe you need to do a little soul searching. figure out why she doesn't appeal to you anymore. could you be missing your dad and maybe blaming your marriage on it? don't leave her just for this. many couples find themselves in the same situation after a time. we all need to learn how to reconnect. you could always try the counseling thing. of course, it may take a little doing. you apparently jumped the gun when you told your wife this. there was a reason you were willing to give up a relationship with your dad when you married her. try to remember it. when you've really tried to work things out, and should it not help, then you can at least say you tried.

Answer 9

sometimes things just fizzle out because there wasnt as much as you thought was there in the first place and because everyone was so against it, it made you more determined to go ahead and get married just to prove a point. Now maybe you have realised they were right all along! You've grown up and grown apart. sorry but I think you have a real reason number one being you do not love this person.

Answer 10

You have to go out together and do sometimes things that she likes and other times the things that you do. Each of you need to say something everyday to make the other feel special. This needs to be sincere. When she paints her nails tell her they are nice. if you like them better another way she does them let her know. If there is something special you or her want you need to tell the other and not hint for us men do not do that well. Make sure you spend time together doing these things. Let her know what you like doing together. And she the same.