My fiance ( I pushed & got the ring- after many fights) and I have been living together for a few years now. We have a son together whom we both love. We have had many arguments over getting married. He keeps saying he wants to get married to me eventually, but always seem to have excuses. I don't want 2 leave him, becuase I do love him and we have a son together. But I also don't want to just live together for the rest of our lives- which I think he would be perfectly comfortable with.I can't just move out either becuase my family is very far away and being a single parent would be ough. I also don't want 2 be in a dead end relationship. I have asked him if he wants to break up, he says no. We have been engaged now for a year and a half. I'm sick of waiting for him to come around. Should I give up on him? I don't want our son to not have a father around.I also can't handle his lack of commitment. He says were already committed! I want him 2 WANT 2 marry me-not just bcuz he's forced
2007-06-05 08:21:42 · 20 answers · asked by duchie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You FORCED him to become engaged, and now you're trying to FORCE him to marry you. Just move on....he obviously is quite happy getting the milk for free (so he won't have to buy the cow, to quote the old adage).
You got yourself into this situation by living with him AND having a baby, why should he WANT to do any more? Technically, you're already as committed as you can be without that silly piece of paper -- which it appears is all you really want...that and a ring on your finger.
Oh and BTW, if you FORCE him to marry you (which I don't see how you could - you've already had a baby, so the pregnancy thing isn't going to be leverage) chances are he's not going to be happy about that and will eventually bail.
Sorry but if you're tired of being stuck - and you are quite stuck at this point - then you're going to have to dig yourself out of the hole you got planted in and move on.
Thumbs-down away...but you know I'm speaking the truth here....
2007-06-05 08:30:48 · answer #1 · answered by Brutally Honest 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What is wrong with the way things are at the present time? You can't force a person to want to get married, he has already said he wants to get married, but he's not ready for that step yet. What is your hurry to get married? Is your relationship good, besides that? If he wasn't committed to you and your son he wouldn't have gotten you a ring and you wouldn't be together. How would you feel if he married you and later find out it was only to shut you up about it? Don't you want him to marry you on your terms.? I have an friend that was together and lived with this women for 15 years before they decided to get married , after 15 years being together they were basically married anyway. And if you are sick of "waiting for him to come around" then you don't love him as much as you say or think you do.
2007-06-05 08:41:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't seem to want to marry you, at least not now. He gave you the ring to pacify you and was most likely hoping you would stop pushing for marriage after you got it.
Now, you need to decide how much marriage really means to you. You can stay in this dead end relationship because you love this man or you could break it off, be single for a while and find a man who wants to make a committment to you.
I know being a single parent is tough, but it really isn't that bad. You work, care for your child and pay the bills. You date and look for a man that wants the things you want in life. Hopefully, you find it.
I know you don't want your son not to have a father, but he does have a father. His father can pay support, have visitation and as much contact beyond regular visitation as you are comfortable with. Just because you decided the relationship wasn't what you wanted doesn't mean your child's father just disappears.
Besides that, when you marry, your child will have a positive role model in his life that made a committment to you and to him. thats much better than growing up hearing your parents argue about marriage.
My mom and dad never married. She wanted to and he didn't. She died at 44 years old after bearing him 3 children and being "engaged" to him for 18 years. He married a few years after her death. I like my stepmother very much, but there is a part of me that wonders why he didn't love my mother enough to actually set a date and get married.
2007-06-05 08:34:07 · answer #3 · answered by Melanie J 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If marriage is your goal.. you've already reached the Dead End. You begged and whined and fought for a ring (twisted his arm) and got it. How did THAT make you feel.
IF you've resigned yourself to MAKE him marry you or else... what does that say about this so called "Relationship" that you two have? You "love" him .. but I'd venture to say that your definition of "love" and his are two totally different perceptions.
He's comfortable with the way things are. IF things don't work out (down the road), then he can pack it up and be gone without legal ramifications. IF he thought the "marriage" would work and had faith in your love for him and his for you.. then he wouldn't hesitate.. but he has doubts as to whether or not you and he have what it takes to last.
Having your son BEFORE you figured all of this out was another way of trying to MAKE him do what YOU want.. without regard for what HE wants or feels.
Back in the day... they called it a "shotgun wedding".
IF you marry him or force this.. that's what you've done. Then what?? Gonna spend the rest of your life wondering IF he really loved you in the first place,,.. wondering if he really loved you the way he should have BEFORE you both made it legal?
Sounds pretty pathetic to me.
2007-06-05 12:10:00 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are forcing him into marraige!! you need to relax. he told you he wants to get married someday. but not today!! marraige doesnt make a healthy relationship nor does it improves anything or make major changes. marraige is a commitment between two people, vowing to love and cherish til death do you part. this man loves you, however sounds to me he is being a little rebelious about setting a date, due to your nagging and forcing this upon him. he may feel you are trapping him and taking away his "freedom" to be able to leave at any given time. this is why marriage is so scary , not because the person is not in love, it's because it's a life long decision, and people have to give this some thought. ...i say leave it alone....you tried to include your son and your family as if your life would go terribly wrong if you two dont get married soon, but utimatley this has nothing to do w/ your family, it's you and youre fiance simply setting a date to get married,you are over analytical about this whole thing and just need to tone it down and let the poor guy breathe...
2007-06-05 09:06:32 · answer #5 · answered by KAT 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he doesn't want to get married. You can't make him! If you're only "engaged" because you pushed him - how do you expect him to marry you because he wants to, not because he's forced? He is already clear that he doesn't want to get married, but you keep pushing and forcing. If marriage is THIS important - why are you with a person who clearly doesn't want to get married? There is no compromise here - you're either married or not. If you want to get married, you NEED TO find a person who wants to get married. Yes, now you have a child to think about; it is up to you how you handle the situation. Do you stay with the person who will never marry you because you have a child together? No one can make this decision for you. If you do stay, tho - it's only fair that you stop fighting with him about marriage; you chose to be with him, you chose to have a child with him - you have to eventually accept that you cannot force him into marriage. Be realistic.
2007-06-05 08:38:05 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been "living" with my boyfriend for 27 years, we have a wonderful 18 year old daughter together.
We've never thought of getting married (personnal family experiences) and we've always been happy. The only thing missing, and we don't mind, is a marriage certificate. In other words, just a piece of paper.
Of course, there are some precautions to take (legal and financial).
Good luck, and don't forget if you push to hard he might walk away, it's up to you
2007-06-05 08:28:55 · answer #7 · answered by natdufour4030 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Coming form a guy, I do not see him ever marring you. If a guy wants to get married he does if he does not he does not. The guys who say they want to but just keep putting it off are just tying to get something and keep it coming. I know guys who live off their girlfriends going to work and doing whatever they please and whoever sometimes even. Personally these guys need to be left behind and forgotten about. Just a wild guess is this is similar to your situation and possibly even some abuse also. Many of the people I see in these situations are abused by this person making them not want to leave because of fear also. I can only speak of this from family experiance with having four sisters and four sister inlaws that have these issues.
2007-06-05 08:47:02 · answer #8 · answered by rdneckride 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
move on.... there are plenty of guys out there dieing to have a nice woman. Your fiance is sounding like he is afraid of commitment of that altitude. Tell him how you really feel, and tell him that if he dosent make a decision soon then you plan on moving on. You cant wait forever, and he is probably looking at it in a tipical guy way... why buy the cow when the milk is free... You dont need him you can move on just as easily as you stayed.
2007-06-05 08:29:19 · answer #9 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You'd leave a man you love, in a realtionship with, living together, and split your childs family up over a piece of paper. The piece of paper means nothing as far as commitment goes.
If you have a good relationship and love each other than stay in it!
2007-06-05 08:39:37 · answer #10 · answered by Carp 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋