Wife's opposite sex gay friend?

Question

Ok. I have almost had it up to my neck with this guy. My wife and I have been married about 3 years now. This guy is one of her best friends. I have told her that i don't like him or the fact that he is a guy. It 's not because I'm homophobic, I don't like him on a personal level. He just isn't a great person. I have told my wife but she just brushes it off and tries to get us to be friends. I told her that I don't want to do things that involve him, but she always invites him to everything. The worst thing about it is that my wife says that he isn't gay. He is pretty flamboyant though. I don't know what to do. She is always going out with him to god knows where and they talk on the phone constantly. The guy even moved to our town which was 4 hours away from him. Everywhere we go his is there. Church, movies, etc I'm not trying to control her, but I have ditched a couple of good friends that she didn't like. Am I just being insecure? Or controlling? Or selfish? That's what she said.

Answer 1

No, you aren't being selfish, she is. While I don't condone ditching friends for relationships, the vows that you took when you got married included "forsaking ALL OTHERS". What my husband and I have done is if we find there is something that is causing disternation between us and bringing disharmony to our home, we eliminate it. Yes, it may have been a friend, a situation, a much-loved habit or hobbie, but when we married each other, it was "forsaking all others" - even children. A man and wife are to put each other first - that means women put their husbands before even their children. NOT that she should neglect the children, but the husband should not come last. Anyway, if this friend of your wife's - gay or not - is causing this much friction, she must elimnate him. Talk to her about it, tell her just like I told you. If she doesn't see it, then get the bible out - it says it free and clear in 1 Corinthians chapter 7. Read that scripture together. And if she is still unwilling to remove the guy, then you have some issues. You either have to deal with it - as you've been trying to - or give your wife an ultimatum. It's either him, or you. Sorry, but what else can you do if it's making you that unhappy? And for the record, I agree with you. My husband is my best friend and I'm his. You and your wife should share that sacred bond - not your wife and her gay friend. Good luck.

Answer 2

I don't think you're being insecure, controlling or selfish. You've made a reasonable attempt to talk with her and explain how you feel. She obviously is disregarding you in favor of her "friend".

I would be concerned about whether or not he is gay though. Most men don't move from 4 hours away just to be closer to a "friend". He may have ulterior motives that your wife either doesn't know about or won't admit.

Perhaps you should ask your wife why she feels it's ok to be so disrespectful to you? You've made it clear you don't like this guy and that they are too close for comfort, but she continues. She invites him to everything even though you don't want him there? That's totally disrespectful.

If you can't talk to her about it, maybe go to a counselor alone to get a better grip on things. It would be helpful for her to come along too, but leave the friend at home (his home, not yours).

Good luck.

Answer 3

LOL and touche Kitty Kat!!! But in all honesty she got it right. Invite all your old friends over and see how she likes it. If you have made an effort, which it seems like you've gone above and beyond, then it's her move now.

And even if this guy was the sweetest nicest innocent guy in the world, if you don't like him then that's it period.

I would make up an imaginary Female co worker and tell your wife about the great lunches you have, make a fake phone call or two...when she starts to question you even the slightest, act irritated and get offensive. When she finally get's mad and confronts you let her in on your fake friend and then ask her how she likes it.

Answer 4

I have a gay friend and was talking on the phone with him one day and my b/f then cut the phone line, then did it again. He said he was jealous. If you love your wife and she likes him, try and find out why they have a connection. Knowmatter who comes in my life my friend will always be there. he is a part of my past and alot of memories birthdays deaths, maybe she doesnt want to let go of him because hes her past. If they are talking and alone all or alot of the time I would be worried. She has no gal friends to go out with. I can understand inviting him to the important things wedding, baby, birthday, but regular everyday stuff or picnics, no. It does sound fishy to me. talk to her about it. Dont say anything like I dont like u with him, shell think ur jealous and controlling. You had to compromise tell her i want you to compromise. The end result should be act like adults and if u fight, always stay on the topic. Good Luck

Answer 5

I think both are a little at fault here. Technically you're not her father so you shouldn't have control over who her friends are but if it's more than a friendship than you have a right to be upset. She may have a very innocent friendship with someone who is gay and in that case he's harmless. If he isn't gay and just in your opinion "a girly man" then it sounds like she may be too close to him because he's a nice guy and that is attractive to any woman. We really can't tell what is going on by just what you're saying, I'd have to hear her side too. I'm not trying to offend anyone, just see both sides.

Answer 6

Perhaps rather than tell her who she can and can not be friends with, you get you a very close female friend that you talk to all the time, invite everywhere, go places with...etc. Keep it clean, never cross the line, but often times it takes a mirror for a person to see what they are doing. Not something I would recommend in every situation, but if you ask and she is not respecting your wishes, then perhaps you need to elevate it to the next level.

Answer 7

Holy freakin cow! You just described a situation in my life that almost mirrors yours. Mine is a different family member though. I don't know what the answer is, but I wish I did.

The person in my life has a really close friend of questionable preference. She says he's not gay, but even she has doubts sometimes. He is CONSTANTLY calling her and he loves nothing more than to talk on the phone all...day....long. He does not have a single manly thing in his house. All his magazines are decor magazines...nothing like field &stream or bassmasters. They are going places all the time and I will refuse most of the time because I don't really want people to associate myself with him.

It was really scary reading your question...it was almost like I wrote it. However, I have no advice to offer from my similar experience. Sorry.

Answer 8

I have had a Gay couple that wanted a baby bad, so one of them slept with our good friend. She is now living in the house with them until the baby is born. I personally believe it is a beautiful thing. Some agree and some dont agree but I have the feeling of to each its own and if you are happy then I am happy. To answer your question I have heard of this happening a whole lot.

Answer 9

Just because she is your wife doesn't mean you get to choose HER friends, she is entitled to have whomever for a friend gay or not. Just because a man is flambouyant doesn't make him gay. The only way you could know that he was gay is if he said he was or if you knew what went on in his bedroom. I would say that you're being extremely insecure about a friendship.

Answer 10

Well I think your wife has made it very obvious to you that this guy friend of hers is more important to her than you. So its your choice, either you live with it or without it. One think for sure they both share some dark secrets about each other, and that could be the reason she is afraid to split from him. Better yet play her game, become best friends with a woman, call her, go out with her, see how she reacts to that.