I cheated , now he is cheating , now what?

Question

Eight years ago I cheated on my husband, he knew about, I left him. I came back and we had a baby. I ended every thing with the guy, but he just kept coming back insisting he loved and he would take care of me. He wrote me so many letters and I kept them. I ended all contact 5 years ago, but I kept the letters....My husband found them about three years ago, I don't think he was prepared for their content. This man wrote explicit details of our time together and wrote of how he missed me and loved me, it's over, its been over. My husband has now started an affair with a woman at his office and says I'm to blame. If I would have been faithful and met his needs he wouldn't of gone to someone else. He says this person makes him happy, I don't know what to do, We have been together for 14yrs, we have 2 small children, and he says is confused about what he wants. I don't want to lose my family, What do I do?

I left my husband before I got involved with some one else, we just were not divorced. We reconciled and two years later our family started. The guy I had the fling with, couldn't handle loosing me and called me and wrote me letters and I kept the letters because I was emotionally flattered. I don't have the letters, I threw them out three years ago on the day my husband found them. I told this guy I couldn't be in contact with him, my family was to important. I have not seen or spoken with him in almost five years. I love my family, I was a different person 8 yrs ago , I was so selfish, I didn't care who I hurt, but when my family started I changed, I would never be so stupid as to put my family at risk, And when this affair with the person at his job started, he says its because of that. If I had only been faithful, Its is so hard because I'm not that person he is angry with anymore. I love him and I can't believe this is happening, & before we were married he cheated, several times.

Answer 1

Your first mistake was having an affair. Your second, holding on to letters you should have never kept.
Your husband is not obligated to be prepared for the contents of the letters. You, however, were obligated to be faithful and not keep that crap around so he could find it and have his heart ripped out all over again.
Holding on to those letters told your husband many things about you.
You had an affair for 3 years. Your still holding on to him.
You have shaken his confidence. Now he is getting validation from another woman and she is making him happy.
I feel truly sorry for your children. They deserve two parents who are in love and devoted to each other. Not to other people.
So, if you want a prediction, I will give you one. He will end up with the one who is making him happiest. She has not cheated on him. I think you have lost him. If he never cheated back then, he is easing out of the marriage. Sorry hon, he hates you now.

Answer 2

I agree with your husband in saying your are the blame. If he was faithful prior to you cheating on him, then how do you expect him to feel? Also, why would you keep the letters from your ex-fling? In my honest opinion, I feel as if you still had something for the guy and your way of staying connected to him was through those letters. I don't agree that your husband is having an affair with someone at the office though. Two wrongs don't make a right, however, your husband probably felt as if things weren't over with you and that other guy. I would feel the same way if I found letters. You must have liked the content of the letters and I wouldn't be surprised if you read them over and over and over just to remind yourself of what you and him had together. The best thing I can suggest would be to get marriage counseling and fast! But now both of you have broken that trust, so it's going to be hard. Even if he ends things with the other lady, you'll always wonder if he is still seeing her. He will always wonder if you are seeing the other guy, or hiding letters from him. You cannot be faithful to your husband and be in love with another man. It doesn't work that way.

Answer 3

The fact that you kept the letters calls into question the fact that you said you ended it with the other guy. Even if contact had been ended and you were no longer seeing this guy, you held onto the letters that were either emotional or steamy and described in detail things that had either happened or he wanted to happen. It no doubt was like going through it all over again and knowing that you had kept them probably called into question your commitment to your husband. I think he probably did state it very accurately when he said "...met his needs." I do not think he is talking about physical needs, but emotional and his finding those letters just told him he never had "all" of you back from the other guy. Getting rid of the after the fact really only means you were sorry for getting caught with them.

All you can do is tell him that he has to chose, her or you and the kids. Tell him all of you is there, ready to forgive if he is willing to give all of him and forgive as well. His reaction is not justified, I am not saying that, both of you need to get out of the past and come back together, for each other and each other only. Not for the kids, they will grow, they will leave and if they are the only thing holding you there, when they leave, you have nothing left.

Answer 4

Wow - your husband isn't the kind of man to take the high road, is he? Although can you blame him?? Your marriage has a very slim chance of making it. Just as everyone else is suggesting - get to counseling. If he isn't willing to end the affair then the next step is a divorce. Also - why on earth did you keep the letters if it was over? And in your house nonetheless - I dont blame your husband for lashing out and starting his own affair. I wish you two luck for the sake of your children.

Answer 5

you ended this relationship years ago and made a mistake by keeping these letters if it is truly over with him you should dispose of them immediately. in regards to your husbands affair no matter how bad you hurt him its is not your fault that he is having an affair .2 wrongs never make a right. if you Truly love him and he loves you it may be possible to work it out with much work and even counseling. but it is never the right thing to stay together just for the kids, they will do much better with parents who are separated/ divorced that are happy and loving and caring versus staying together and being miserable which will have traumatic impact on there lives

Answer 6

He's very very very angry after reading those letters, and he has every right to be.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander?
You may just have to back off and let him have this affair.
I'd tell him to go ahead, have the affair, and then be loving and caring when he is at home.
Eventually he is going to realize which is more important, and that other relationship will probably sour anyway soon enough, and then the two of you can become stronger knowing that your love for eachother is more important. If you are good to him, even if he leaves for awhile, I can almost guaranttee he will come back missing his family, and valuing his family even more than he did before, just like you have now come to realize.

Answer 7

Sounds like you two deserve eachother. I don't blame your husband, it was not over between you and your lover or you would have thrown the letters out and stopped all communication. I think you are upset because your husband has found someone else and he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Hopefully you have learned a lesson from this so the next time you are in a relationship, you will remember how hurt you are now and you will think twice before sleeping with someone that you shouldn't be sleeping with.

Answer 8

Sounds like you two deserve each other. Karma is a bit ch huh. I'm sorry to say that your marriage seems broken beyond repair. You could try marriage counseling but that won't take the detailed images of you banging another man that your husband will always have thanks to your letters.

Contact a divorce attorney and work out a joint custody situation with the kids....

Answer 9

Tell your conniving slick @ss husband to GO OR GET OFF THE POT!! He knows exactly what he is doing. He is having an affair and he knows that he can play the "But you did it first" card and that will shut you up.
So while he is playing footsie with the office skank, you should tell him that if he does not want his family you will be glad to give him a divorce (bluff) if that will make his life easier.
Then start verbally dividing up your assets. Money is power and most men won't give you theirs. He is full of stuff and he knows it. How do you know for sure that this is his first affair? We never know what men do, and even when they tell us, we still don't know.
Peace

Answer 10

You both need to get professional help to help you sort out the issues. If not, then you need to get rid of those letters, even let your husband burn them. Then he needs to promise to end his relationship.
Divorce is not the end of the world. You may find out that you are happier without each other.