Wife Loves me, but says the passion is gone?

Question

My wife and I have been seperated since Nov. 06. Having 2 kids together and 12 years of history I think its foolish for us not to try and reconsile our differences. We have tried with some success, but she says she doesnt "feel the passion" anymore. She says that she loves me, and doesnt want to be w/o me. She has me come over all the time, even gets angry if I dont come over, spend days doing things together, I have even spent the night several times. I have done everything I can think of. Flowers, spontanious "adventures", show up unexpected with wine, etc. But nothing seems to work. She wants me to do all the things a husband does, fix things, help with kids, take trips, mow the lawn.....But she doesnt want me to be her partner.
The mixed messages that she sends me really has me at the breaking point. Should I pack up and move on or keep trying?

Answer 1

Move on, she needs to see what life would be without you and I'm sure she'll change her mind.

Answer 2

If there is ever an oxymoron, it'd be love without passion!!

What I say below I have said many times around here. You are fighting a losing battle because there is no logic behind these emotional abstract stuff. It is a moving target with shrinking goal posts. You are banging your head against the brick wall and find brain matter coming out, not just blood!!!

The more relevant question is what you want to do regardless. Save yourself some brain cells but not thinking about her at all. Don't try anything at all. You have experienced one OK marriage and 2 kids you probably love to death. Accept that with grace. Focus on the children. I am sure you know how to be a great father. That is all on you, very achievable and you are immediately rewarded with both great memories and their appreciation back. They don't really care whether you are a good husband or not, as long as you are their dad. And you don't have to be a good husband to be a great father.

It is always puzzling to me why some men can't wait to be involved in the next relationship. Your kids will love you more for not having a step-mom lined up to fight for attention. And you will have less headaches and less gray hair.

Statistics guarantees there will be lots of women out there for you, including the one who didn't want you before. Pick wisely, my friend.

Answer 3

She's not happy. it sounds like she used you to "make" herself feel happy and when you stopped being able to give her something you should never have been relegated to, she "lost the passion".

You can not take responsibility for her happiness. If you made that mistake, I am sorry. I did too. It just doesn't work.

It sounds like you have been trying. it sounds like she still has expectations. Guess what. None of it has been good enough has it?

This isn't going to be easy, and I am sorry you are going through this, but you are going to have to make some hard decisions about yourself, about her, and about how much you can continue to invest in a relationship where she simply won't even try to meet you half way.

Its a lot of time. A lot of love. Been there (over 12 years for me). I do not want to tell you to just pack up and move on, but the problem is, she is manipulating you. She is not actually trying. The flip side of the coin is...she obviously isn't happy without you. She is doing things she thinks will "make" her happy. Every time this fails and she isn't happy, she gets more confused. There may be no way for you to fix the problem. You're going to have to confront her. Be it in person, or simply by writing her a letter, or something. You're going to have to address your needs as well as the family needs. I hope you can help her see that happiness comes from within and that she has a lot to be thankful for (a husband that loves her and cares about the relationship for one), before she just throws it all away because "doing X will 'make' her happy.

Answer 4

Did you do anything (like cheating) to get her to this point? If so, just take it as long as you can.
If not, you need to move on. ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. She is clearly being selfish and dictating to you how a 'mutual' relationship will go? WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES...YOU ARE HER TOY! Do you deserve more than that? Then, you better turn her loose (the more you love her, the further away you had better pull.) Other than things concerning the kids, have no communication to her. Why be her puppet, if you did not cause the problem.

YOU CAN STILL OFFER YOUR KIDS A HAPPY DAD, EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT BEING IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP WITH THEIR MOTHER. FIND SOMEONE WHO TRULY LOVES YOU AND NOT IN JUST LIP-SERVICE. REMEMBER, SHE IS FREE TO HAVE SEX WITH OTHERS WHILE YOU ARE APART AND YOU WILL NEVER KNOW IT. IF YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY HER GAME, MAKE IT A TWO WAY STREET AND TELL HER SO!

Answer 5

Pack and move, but stay close to see your kids. Ignore the wife but not the kids. She is just waiting for someone else to come along in her life before he kicks you to the curb, so don't fall for that. Pay attention to you kids and get your own life together. You hanging around her all the time makes her feel like she has some power over you. So don't give her that satisfaction anymore. Good luck

Answer 6

I m so sorry you are going through this....well I guess I would tell her that you are not her boyfriend you are her husband and that if she is not wanting to be married anymore than you must move on, tell her that you will always be there for her and the kids but she can not have her cake and eat it to, you can only take so much and (to me anyway) it sound like she is using you......you sound like a great guy and you are really trying your heart out to make this work and she is just going through the motions.....again I'm sorry and I hope things work out for you

Answer 7

have you tried giving her an ultimadum? just tell her that you are not going to be there forever being her companion if she doesn't want a relationship. maybe doing that will make her realize what she will be missing.

or maybe the two of you should go to counseling together.

maybe your wife would benefit from some anti depressants or something.

if not, just move on. you sound like a great guy. it wouldn't be hard to find a new mate.

Answer 8

Though not married, I am in LTR and am behaving just like your wife.
Don't hate me everybody.
I am not proud of it. I go back and fourth almost everyday thinking I should just let him go. My reason why I don't------I'm SCARED.
There is so much good about him yet there is equally as much bad. There are days I look at him with warmth in my heart and other days I hate his guts. I don't want him out of my life, yet I am angry when he is not there. ????
In my case he has hurt me tremendously in the past, we have gone to counseling and he has apologized profusly. But I just can't let him back in. No, he didn't cheat, but he did treat me coldly and turned his back on me shortly after he proposed and I gave up my whole life(job, home,moved to another state). He treated me like a chump. Made me feel like an @ss for believing in him. Sorry I'm not sure what to tell you, but I have seen some really good posts here. Many of them have some good ideas, one of them being--focus on the kids. Also she may be having self esteem issues about herself.

Answer 9

I am in a similar situation with my life and my wife. If I were you I would try and keep up my spirits and just let her know how much she means to you. If you give up on her and life then she will also give up. You both might need to change the dynamic of you relationship to get it back to somthing you both want.
Good luck and my prayers are with you.

Answer 10

Tell her that you have done all that you can think of and unless she tells you extactly what she wants you are leaving. She has to decide to fix this marriage or move on, it is not fair to make sure you are there for her but she is not there for you.