need marriage and family help?

Question

my marriage has been rocky for years. I have two children and a husband who drinks a 12pack a day and can be verbally abusive to me and my oldest son 11yrs. My son has recently been hurting himself after his dad berates him. I need to let you know taht we are lving with my in-laws because we sold our house, because we were in financial difficulty and trying to recover from that. My husbnd won't listen and thinks we can buy a mobile home and put it on his parents property but I don't think we can make the payments and want to continue trying to pay off and save. We got into debt over the past 5 years, I went through a real tough time with my job and then losing my dad and didn't work becuase I was so depressed and couldn't get out of bed, so I quit my job after two years of struggle and then for two years stayed home with a daycare, which then added more stress to the family, so of course to my husband we are broke because of me.

I took out my retirment and paid off a larege debt, and then forgot about the taxes, which the profit from our house paid for (luckily). But my husband blames me for this mess, and I don't know what else I can do to make it better. I love him, but I don't like the way he is treating me and my son and I don't want to leave. If I do I would have to move in with my mom. I tried talking to my husband yesterday morning when he was sober and told him what our son is doing and that I didn't think we could afford a payment and that his parents don't want a trailer on their land. The plan was to build a building that we would live in and would then turn into a building in a couple of years for our farm that we are also tyring to expand and then buy a house or build after we have saved some money. He's not hardly speaking to me now. I feel like I should leave, but I don't think I could handle seeing him with someone else. I'm torn with what I should do. I can't take anymore blame.

I have no returned to work and enjoy my new job. I have no self esteem and I am overweight and have nothing to look forward to. If you had asked me 20 years ago this is not the life I would have expected myself to be in, I had so much more going in my life. I really don't know if my husband and I really have anything in common, I have been feeling for years now that he doesn't want to be seen with me that I embarras him, even if we go to Wal-Mart together he doesn't walk with me he is always ahead of me or behind me, never with me and at school or sport functions he stands at the back and doesn't sit with me and usually has an excuse for needing to drive his own vehicle. In our first year of marriage he had a "friend" that I found out about, he claims nothing ever happened, when I found out he told me thank you for trusting him and I told him I would this time but not again. I have wondered about other times since when he gets drunk he get very flirtatios with other women.

My husband does have a good job with benefits, and he is a very hard worker, sometimes too hard. We just don't make enough to pay the bills that we have and live on our own right now, although we are paying for all the groceries and house necessities and also paying the electric bill. Bankruptcy is not an option. Mostly he is embarrassed becuase dialy someone asks where are you living and he tells them with his parents.

Answer 1

Sounds like you screwed up by picking a loser to marry. Your fault, your problem to solve. You only have two real choices, either accept this life style, or get divorced. Lucky for you it's your choice...

Answer 2

Wow, MSDS, that's a heavy load you're carrying. You didn't mention what your husband did other than drink a twelve-pak, berate your son and blame everything on you...Is that his total contribution to the family?...I find it hard to believe that you are the only one to blame for the family being in the situation that it is. Would your husband consider counseling? It seems to me that your husband hasn't grown up yet. He wants to get a mobile home and place it on his parents property? Then what, sit around and drink beer all day? He needs to put down the beer and get a job and start taking responsibility for the family who's depending on him.

You've also said that he's verbally abusive to you as well, and, "He's not hardly speaking to me now. I feel like I should leave, but I don't think I could handle seeing him with someone else." After what you've said, I don't know why you feel this way, what is it about him that you would miss?...The verbal abuse to you and your son, the beer cans, the lack of financial security? For those reasons I would hate to see him with someone else too, for their sake. I'm not picking on you, but I think the hand-writing on the wall is quite clear. He doesn't deserve you and you and your son don't deserve to be put through all this abuse. YOU should be his number one priority, he should want to provide for his family and seek their health and security first. He should be your best friend and an example for the children he's in charge of. Personally, I think it should be 'get counseling' together, or walk for your sake and the sake of your children.

Answer 3

Your husband sounds like an emotional abuser. Don't think for a second that you are in debt because of you only. That may be part of it but I'm sure his drinking problem has something to do with that too! That's not free beer he's drinking everyday. You need to leave him. If you don't the he'll just continue to try and control you by making you feel guilty for the position that you are in. Start saving money on the side without him knowing and keep a place for you and your kids. And you should ask your family for help if they can give it. Just remember that you and your kids don't deserve to be treated this way. You might want to get help for your son too if he's hurting himself.

Answer 4

Sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and have a good heart to heart. Tell him about your son AND how you feel. But it seems that there is a tendency to overreact, and to work without planning. You both need to work things out and think things through. Oh, and there is a way to talk to him without making the situation worse. Don't nag, don't cry, don't whine and don't beg. Talk and act like you know what you want. Matter of fact, it wouldn't hurt to make a list of what you need to discuss. And listen to him as well. This will help relieve some of the pressure and stress on the family.

Answer 5

Yes, you need help.

1. He sounds like a drunk - Run away, and fast
2. You didn't mention if he is working - prob not or low paying
3. Seek help for yourself, talk to a councilor, preacher, there are free programs from the state for people in your situation, including housing, medical, dental.
4. Depression is a serious problem this needs to be adressed

Honestly, it is difficult, but going out on your own with some state help would benefit you in the long run, than staying at the in laws.

Answer 6

Don't let him do that to you or your child. You probably didn't have any support from him when your father died and that's why you could'nt get over it. Leave and show your son how much you love HIM. Start your day care up and I bet it works out better this time. Living in a trailer will just finish the trailer trash image with his drinking. Don't do that to your kids.

Answer 7

I want to give you the best advice, Because I sort of had the same situation going on in my life. Until I asked God to help me cause I love him and I didn't want to leave him. You have to leave but, not forever. Make God your personal Savior and then trust that when you leave him he will still keep the door open. Trust God for changes in his life as well as in yours. Pray everyday for husband to break the strongholds that the devil has over him. Pray that the bondage of addiciton will be broken in Jesus Name. There's a reason why you must leave.
The devil will make your life a living hell. You will see your husband fall to ground. He will cry for help don't give in. Start introducing the Lord to him as he live's outside your home. He will fall even further until he has no one but Jesus to call on. Then Gods blessing will come along. I know cause I'm a living witness. Remember things will fall apart in your life too but, believe that the Lord will pick you up before you get to the ground. Don't just sit around hoping for the answers/help to get to you. Look for it and God will take care of you and put mercy into your life. This is the best advice. get to local church.

Answer 8

First....get yourself into some sort of counseling...not with him...but alone...You will be no good to anyone if your not happy yourself.......His abuse whether its been mentally or physically is still abuse..and you need to deal with it. You also need to get some help for your kids......then....tell him..there are some things that you both need to come to terms with and some things you will no longer tolerate.....Make them deal breakers...and if he continues...then you need to leave for your own and the kids sake...they deserve to feel safe and be happy just as you do. Marriage takes two.....you didn't create the problems alone and shouldnt have to deal with them alone. A good counselor will help you...trust me...I've been there...and depression is something you can't deal with alone....and honey..you are depressed.......fix yourself then work on your marriage. Ask him if he is willing to save it and go to counseling..if not..then you need to learn to live on your own......I'm so sorry you are going through this......Good Luck to you and your kids.

Answer 9

GO get some counciling (local mental health...and they do have low income or no- pay levels...soo no excuse about not affording it.) I know this because i have gone..does a world of good. AND stop blaming yourself...Your NOT the one drinking. and taking things out on the family. you and your kids deserve MUCH BETTER. Dont let yourselves be treated cruel or un-kind. NEED be------ GET AWAY from THE sitiation. GOOD LUCK.

Answer 10

I am so sorry to hear that you and your son are going through this. I myself went through the very same situation for 10 years only with 3 children.
I eventually had to leave and it was for the sake of my children that I did. You need to remember that as parents you and your husband are role models to your son. Your son is especially sensitive to the alcoholism and the abusive behavior of your husband. My oldest daughter also began to cut herself and to this day has horrific scars on her arms. Her father has never accepted responsibility for anything, our very large financial difficulties, the behavior problems with all our children, etc. I have been divorced for 6 years and 2 of my children are in therapy as well as myself.
Please for the sake of your son move in with your mother, and begin therapy yourself. Ask your husband to begin AA. Never allow him to bully or belittle you. This type of behavior only gets worse. I promise you. I understand that you love your husband but you brought your son into this world to protect and guide him and that needs to be your first priority. Decide later, with a therapist, what is in your best interest and in your sons best interest. Take baby steps. You need to respect yourself in order for your husband to respect you.

Answer 11

yes, your husband sounds like bad news. why would you let him verbally abuse you and your son? i would not tolerate this. nobody should. his drinking problem will only get worse unless he gets help. leave his butt. start new. file for bankruptcy like someone esle said. you don't want your son to have issues for the rest of his life because he is being verbally abused by his fatrher. you too, for that matter.