"I'm probably the only one who would have married you"?

Question

When I was 26, I met a guy, it was great. I had been with a few guys but I fell head over heals in love with this one. He was married but both were really unhappy. They divorced soon after we met, but it wasn't b/c of me. His ex was a nice person & knew I wasn't the reason for their divorce.

4 yrs later, this guy & I get married. I did it b/c I thought it was time but I wasn't really in love anymore. I felt trapped & fell into deep depression. I wasn't in love & wanted a divorce. After 2 yrs, we filed for divorce.

Yet the divorce hurt, felt rejected, felt bad abt myself. I hardly contacted him once we broke up.

One of the things he said that sticks in my brain was "I'm probably the only one who would have wanted/married you". He didn't want me anymore but why would someone say such a mean thing to another? I wasn't asking him back. It's been 14 yrs & I still think of that comment. It hurt so deep. Is it true that some people just aren't "marriage" material

Please note, he met someone shortly (though could have been before) after we separated. They married 3 mths after our divorce was final. They are still together. I haven't met anyone & partly I feel what he said is true...nobody GOOD wants me.

Answer 1

Honestly, you have a self-esteem issue. I seriously recommend that you seen advise from a counselor to work on yourself and love yourself so you can move on.

That comment: was a form of control, was mean and was made to intentially hurt you; it was verbal abuse. Since that comment has been something that has bothered you for sooo long, address this in a counseling session and seek a way to get rid of the feelings and emotions that are tied to it.

We will always remember what people say to us....especially those really hurtful comments. My ex told me that I was a Stupid Bi*ch once and it was intended to be hurtful. Do I seem like a stupid bi*ch? No, I am not. I might be a bi*ch, but I am not stupid. The reason that my ex said that to me was, (1) he always had an issue with me obtaining an education--he never wanted me to better myself or improve myself--it seemed like a form of competition. Also, when he said it, I was being a bi*ch because he was not working with me, he pushed my buttons and I flew off the handle outside on a porch in front of his apartment...just outside his landlord's apartment. (2)My ex was a chronic dope smoker and I was indirectly bringing attention to his situation, by his mindset....potentially getting him outted to his landlord; thus, potentially booted from his apartment. He was intensly perinoid because of his habit.

Now. Why the story? Look at it this way--there was a reason that it was said, and more than likely he was trying to justify his ending the relationship and wanted to cause you pain, and it has. Look at the situation in which that comment was made. Why did he get married so quickly? Who knows. He may have married her because he needed someone to share expenses, to be there for him (insta sex--no looking for it) and to purhaps in his own mind set say, "I can get anyone and marry anyone at any time."

Well, ask yourself, was he "all that" to live with when you lived with him? Apparently you also had issues with him. Look at those. Know that the divorce was the right thing to do. He was a jerk, didn't have his head on straight...he should have had some time to himself before dating you. You were the relationship that validated his selfworth...so is his new one.

He more than likely was seeing this person on the side when you were still married...especially if it only took 3 months. Think about that. Yes, there are some couples that meet and are married very shortly after...but, its in very rare circumstances, and the couple usually hasn't married before...I mean, he just got divorced. THAT IS ODD.

Someone will come along. You'll see. Have faith. He's out there, he just needs to be brought together with you. I wondered the same thing. My ex started dating this one co-worker IMMEDIATELY after we were separated and moved in with her a year afterward. It took me a few years, and I did pray to the Big G, but my guy finally found me. And, it was through a means that I didn't have faith in.

Love yourself. May the Big G help you find your sweetie soon.


Edit....
Contact Ranger D? What the worst that can be said, no?

Answer 2

If you mean, when people say wait until the new system to marry, yeah I can see how that would get on some single people's nerves. I don't think the people who say it mean any harm, but I don't personally say that, because I don't have the gift of singleness and I am married, so.. umm... yeah, I don't say it because I feel it would be a little hypocritical. I think some who are not happy in their own marriages might make up a big percentage of those who say it. Some people in that situation have counseled me similar to what you described, but they openly admitted they were not enjoying their marriage. Contentment and keeping busy spiritually while waiting for a mate is very important, whether that wait be until sometime in this system or the next. So I do give that as my two cents when chatting with my single pals.

Answer 3

Wow...that's some serious emotional distress your going thru...I really feel for you. I assure you that (if nothing else) you are not alone...

People often don't realize the trauma that simple words can inflict. What he said was said in anger or out of confusion (divorce sucks...no matter which side your on). Or, his comment could've even possibly come from his own self-esteem issues...in either case it's only true if you let it be true!!

Please find someone to talk w/ like a counselor or a therapist (if $'s an issue, look thru your local community mental health department..and most therapists I know will give you a substantial discount if you ask). I know it helped me.

And to answer your question...no, absolutely not. Everyone can be "marriage material"...just cause it didn't work w/ this guy doesn't mean you can't find a better situation.

Be strong. Good Luck!

Answer 4

People can be so cruel with the things they say to others. That comment was cold and callous. Based on what you've said, I can't help wondering if you didn't take the comment too much too heart and have therefore made yourself into one of those people who aren't "marriage material".

That being said, yes, I do believe some people probably do better on their own. And I'm probably one of those people. I grew up in a family that wasn't very close and was basically taught to take care of myself from an early age. As an adult I have always struggled to maintain close relationships - whether romantic or friendships. Currently I've been single for over 7 years and I don't even have any prospects for women who I could date. I was married for five and a half years and I'm not opposed to the idea of getting married again, but the more time goes by the more I think it's possible I might be alone for the rest of my life. And what's funny is the idea, while not exactly pleasant or comforting, isn't terrifying.

Answer 5

Remember that you were both in a bad situation. You both wanted out of a loveless marriage. He probably felt like he had invested these years in you, and now it was over. He just wanted to say whatever he thought would hurt you the most! Sounds like he did a good job! Don't let what he said dictate how you fell about yourself! If it was true that NOBODY wanted you, and HE married you, what does that say about HIM? That he wasn't enough of a person to find anybody of any worth! So, just let it go! You will find somebody, but you HAVE to let go of this! It will just eat you up. And it IS true that some people aren't "marriage material", but that is by choice. They enjoy their single life and don't want to change. It has nothing to do with how they look or act or their personality! They just WANT to be single! Keep your eyes and your heart open! You will find the one you want, if you keep looking!

Answer 6

You really need to get over that. You won't find anyone good if you're still stuck on what your ex said 14 years ago. Maybe you need to see a therapist to get past these issues. And no, not all people are meant for marriage and that's okay. Society makes us think that if we don't fall in love, get married and have kids then we won't live happily ever after. That's absolutely not true. There are many people in this world who never married or divorced and ended up happy. Just stay positive, get over what your ex said and move on.

Answer 7

He said it to hurt you. Plain as that.

No it isn't true that some people arent marriage material. It is true however that marriage isn't for everyone. If you want to get married then there is someone (actually several) people suited to you. If you don't want to get married then it doesn't matter.

Focus less on what he said and more on how good it is to be rid of such and asshole!

You say no one good wants you but I think that may have somethign to do with the fact that you are still hung up on what this guy says. If you don't like yourself very much then how do you expect others to?

Answer 8

Lets see, 26+4+2+14 puts you at 46. I am 42 and it is difficult for me to meet people. The reason is that we don't really go to bars anymore, we don't really have massive hangups, we are home owners, we have a set of friends already and we're beginning to be introspective. This seems to be where you are. Nothing is wrong with being introspective; but to assume that a comment made when you were 32 applies to you 10 years later? I get that you are lonely; I am too. It is the nature of being single at our age. Find the things you like in life beit job, dogs, running, swimming, sky diving, scuba diving, para sailing, cooking, gardening, etc... and focus on those instead of defining yourself through others.

Answer 9

What you have done is taken those bad times and made them a part of your every day life as you look back and reflect and feel like a failure, all because of his childish remarks and marrying someone you knew you shouldn't have. So instead of proving him wrong, you have let his statement hold you back in doubt about yourself.

So what are you going to do to correct that? I went alot of years doing that and had to learn how to get by all the bad times and things that I let hold me back ~ my fear of trying again.

Now go out and get a new hairdo and some new clothes ~ change your style and become a stylish dressed woman. Go take a class on applying make-up and find out what is best for you. Join a gym and start working out to firm up and get yourself into a positive feeling about what a wonderful person you are. Then go out and turn some heads.

Go to church and get involved in some works there and get involved with some of the singles in your age group and try to stay active by helping others. Visit some of the shut-ins at church who can't make it to services often, if at all. Build your self-esteem by teaching out to others so you don't feel like your life is a waste.

Wishing you a joyful and happy life.

Answer 10

I'm a seasoned professional so listen up!!!!!
A man can't accept rejection in any form so they have to be the rejector. (his blatant lie about being the only one for you)
That leads to number 2- A man needs to build his ego if you won't do it for him.
A man can't live with pain so they put themselves on the offense and grab the next pass thrown at them (the marriage so soon after the divorce)
A man needs his pride, but a smart woman knows that pride keeps the best things at bay.
My advice to you...tell yourself the truth, not the crap that he claims as truth but your truth. Find a way to believe in yourself because you're wasting time that is valuable and you'll never get it back. Is that what you want?