Am I doing the right thing? Please, I need to know...?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 7.5 years and we have 5 little girls together. Over the course of our relationship he has kept me from working or going to school, or basically anything that would give me a leg up should I ever decided to leave. He has never once bought me a christmas present, or a birthday present. In fact he has forgotten my birthday completely 4 out of the 8 years we have been together. He has made me feel like nothing. Like a weak, dirty little animal with no purpose except to serve him. He does not treat our girls well either. He yells all the time, makes them go to bed at 7:00, and his tone is just- mean. There are so many things he has done in the past to hurt me badly that I just can't let go of, and he really hasn't changed much over the years. When he touches me, my skin crawls. I finally have the nerve to get up and leave when the school year ends. Am I doing the right thing?

Answer 1

Are YOU doing to right thing? Yes?No?. If you are doing the right thing for the family, only you can decide that. It's too bad that he appears so inattentive to you and your children, but this sounds more like he is overwhelmed with the children. Granted, he chose to take the chance of having them and he knows what his responsibilities are and although it appears that he has decided not to take on those responsibilities, I see this as something else...
The 5 girls in 7 1/2 years, no work or school sounds more like a protection issue. It would be interesting to hear his side of the story and how he perceives it. The bottom line is you have your mind made up, even if by chance it was not as bad as you portray it, it is what you perceive. And from the sounds of it, you do not wish to attempt to resolve it. And in the end, you will hurt him much more than you feel that he has hurt you. This question sounds more like a cry of people to agree with you than anything else, but thats how I perceive it.

Other things to consider....

Although what you are saying is most likely true, the events that lead to this I feel are not as one sided as they seem...

Why has he forgotten your birthday 4 out of 8 years? Is it because things are so unruly in the house that people cannot even think? (Trying to imagine 5 little girls running around the house while trying to commit a single task, sounds hectic to me, thus leading to stress. Stress leads to absentmindedness which can lead to more stress over forgetting things and then the blame game.

Does he yell at the kids because he sees you so distraught that he feels helpless in controlling the situation for your sake and attempts to gain some form of control over the house by yelling at them? Did it occur that he is doing it out of desperation to give you a breather and that he cares for you? I didn't say it was right, but does it sounds familiar?

The work issue made me think of this: If you were working that would require a baby sitter of some sort.

Just how much is it to have a baby sitter for 9-10 hours a day, 5 days a week, for 5 kids! 500-600 a week? That would mean that you would have to make 670-800 a week! Thats 16.75-20.00 an hour! (assuming that you take 75% of your income home after taxes and deductions.) Are you willing to go work for that kind of money just to give it to a baby sitter?

Or worse, that you would have to work a different shift than what your husband works and that would mean the only time together would be when you both should be sleeping. It may sound great to you right now, but when you are both exhausted and your little girls go through what they do, the stress will be worse.

As far as college goes. Yes, this can and will cause stress just like a job, and the burden will be laid on you. The underlying message from this letter is that you are stressed and want an out.
Yes, college is a nice break, but what are you going to do at home when you have to study for that exam but your husband is at work and the kids are climbing and getting emotional all over the place? Blame it on your husband?
If you choose to do this (college) it would be great, but you have to really have to understand the sacrifice that it may take you to get this stuff down to get a C grade, after all, it sounds like you are a young enough of a couple (assuming 25-34 years old) that your last school is far enough gone that you have a lot to relearn, and the stress of raising 5 kids with a frazzled husband is going to make the learning that much harder and that means time less for the kids. You obviously have children that are starting school so it sounds like eventually if you do want to start college, you can do this when all the kids are at school. Yes, that means waiting another 2-5 years when they are all there but in the meantime, you can start thinking about what you want to do and also talk to colleges what it takes to get into certain courses, if there is a prerequisite that you are not familiar with, why not start studying those at home? If you think that will be difficult, thats only a taste of what it will be like once you take the college courses past the prerequisites...

Any way, I understand he's 'done you wrong' in the past. But you chose to stay with him, thus you forgave him. Now that you are stressed, you don't, and that, according to any guy, as an unfair advantage. I'm sure you have skeletons in your closet as well, and the thought of him finding out/ bringing them back up would be devastating for you as well.
I say rethink as to why you are really doing this and communicate with him. After you REALLY try to, and deep down, you know when you have, then get councelling, but by all means, don't give up until all avenues are exhausted. Unless you think living on welfare with an endless loop job at Wal-Mart while trying to go to college while having your kids become neglected waste cases is your idea of a future, I'd really reconsider.
P.S. Believe it or not, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but just an in your face, matter of fact, bringing some things to consider before taking an action that may not be able to control, or regret. (Something that a true friend would do: not afraid of the repercussions but showing you all that you may need to see, you'll have plenty here that will just agree with you, why not a different view? Especially if its an unfavorable one?).What ever your choice, I wish you only the best of luck!

Answer 2

YOu have not earned the right to even consider divorce until you have exhausted every single venue of trying to make your marriage work. That means counselling, separation, etc. You comitted to this man 7 years ago for LIFE. You are no where near that comittment yet. I say get counseling, go into it with an open mind at least try to make it work. If after you have exhausted every option and it still isn't working - THEN you can leave. But you made a lifetime comittment regardless.

Answer 3

Yes, if what you say is true, then you need to leave and take the girls with you. He sounds like the ultimate controller that wants to do everything in his power to keep you from becoming self sufficient. Regardless of how hard he has worked to keep you out of the work force and educational mainstream, that does not mean you can not do it. That is exactly what he wants you to feel and think, because he knows that he treats you poorly and if you had the means you would leave.

Answer 4

For God's sake he's turned u into a production machine can't u see?...
well think of it this way, u've got nothing let's say ur husband is dead, how do u intend to support ur girls? woman u better find something to do and stop being a 16th century woman.
do u want to be dependant on the state? well let's come back ur ur husband not being dead, he treats u like dirt? omg what are u waiting for? well u have to start doing something about that before u sink deep, if not ur children are going to learn the same thing and they will see simillar treatment by their boyfriends or husbands to the normal because their mom never talked about this a bad.

it is difficult to know where to start from but trust me only if u want help and i repeat only if, there are lot's of help out there, all u have to do is ask for it. The state can even help to keep that crap of a man aways from u and ur lovely and wondeful kids. Good luck u have to remember this always (ASK AND IT SHALL BE GIVEN UNTO U)

Answer 5

Yes, but probably not for the reason you think. There are always two sides of the coin and I am sure you are no angel. However, that is not the problem. You have a built up a resentment towards him. Whether deserving or not, it is an issue that can't be dealt with alone unless you are aware of it. Marriage should not be you against him; and this how you feel towards him.

Answer 6

Yes. You only feel bad about yourself becasue that's what he's been telling you for so long when the truth is, he's scared and this is all he can do to keep you around. He's poison, and I guess you finally figured this out. Lots of families (including mine) are headed by just a mom, and they do just fine. Good luck-your girls will appreciate your courage and strength as they grow.

Answer 7

Yes if you're heart and soul isn't in to it anymore why live a lie and why put up with the abuse it is totally not fair to you and your girls and what will you be teaching them? That it is o.k. to settle for less be controlled and to put up with abuse? Run like hell an never look back... LOL - Let him make the bed he slept in and suffer his conciquences. I would try everything to save the marriage first but it sounds like you already have...

Answer 8

Yes

Answer 9

If you are that unhappy, you should just leave. You don't want to be asking this question five or ten years from now. Also, your daughter's are learning from you what to expect from a husband.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

Speaking as a man abused the other way around, and from your description, I'd say leave ASAP. No one deserves this kind of treatment, certainly not the children.