Are these irreconcilable differences or not?

Question

We've been separated over a year, but always "working on it" b/c we both still really love and care for each other. Tough b/c last 6 months in different cities b/c of work. There are lots of issues that I can still see solving if we both agree to really work at it.

But my main concern has always been that no matter how close our hearts are, our minds are far apart. Often, he can't understand what's interesting to me - books I read, films I watch, writing I do. He loves sports TV. I have part of a master's degree - he never finished college. I'm a grammar freak and he ... isn't. But we DO have fun at movies, restaurants, sports, and traveling.

Even now, we haven't gone to other people, but I always worried that if I met someone more compatible, I would be tempted.

Basically, this is something I don't see how he can fix, so if our marriage is to have a chance, I have to accept him "as is." Anyone have experience in how to do this? Married to someone with a different language even?

Thanks so much for all the thoughtful answers!

I really do know that *I* have to change too if this is going to work, so besides the general question, I was also trying to find out if people had suggestions/strategies for how to go about being more accepting, since just willing it so hasn't made it happen. Basically I think my own perfectionism has overflowed to the relationship, and I understand that's poison...

Answer 1

I don't think what you described is irreconcilable differences. It all depends on how you deal with your differences.

I have ZERO in common with my husband. I am college educated, I read a lot and enjoy in depth philosophical conversation; he is blue-collar and works very hard at everything he does, (he's a wizard with his hands ;-) ) and loves nascar.

It doesn't stand between us. He takes care of me; he loves me. If I want deep conversation then I talk to people that have the same interests as I do. My husband is very smart, and can hold his own with ANY conversation/issue. He just prefers not to join in to the kinds of conversations that I find interesting. I cannot imagine being with anyone else.

Answer 2

First you say, “There are lots of issues that I can still see solving if WE BOTH agree to really work at it.” And then you say, “this is something I don't see how HE can fix”

So, basically you just want HIM do all the changing. Why can’t you change some? I don’t particularly like sports either, but I watch it, because my husband likes it and my kids play it.

Of course, you “have to accept him as is” And if you didn’t do that before marrying him (if you thought you could change him) you made a huge mistake.

The mention of him being less educated and ‘not a grammar freak’ (what in the world does that have to do with anything?!) leads to me believe that you don’t think he’s good enough for you, and if you do feel that way, the kindest thing you can do is end the marriage. No one should be in a marriage with a spouse who feels they ‘aren’t good enough’.

I’ve been married 18 years. My husband and I have basically NO common interests or hobbies. What we do share are common values and believes, AND a love for each other. Those are the things that matter in a marriage. An incompatibility of grammar skills is irrelevant (and I just can’t get past the fact that you felt the need to mention that).

Answer 3

They're definitely not irreconcilable differences, and in some ways, they are good differences. Imagine if you married someone who thought all the time like you do? Admit it, you would be bored out of your mind! Isn't it pleasant that he knows things you don't, and you the same, and he can fix the sink but you can't, or you can deal with some sticky relative better than he can? Each person should have things to be proud of, and things to be awed by, in a marriage. It's the differences in eachother that we find fascinating, and gives us something to learn about.
Let's get to your real problem. You've been separated a year, six months in different cities. What split you apart in the first place? Basically you are living like single people, and that will breed more independent thinking, by its very nature of living alone. When will it be time for somebody to give up their job and move? Otherwise, this could continue forever, and that's not much of a marriage, is it? I really wish we knew the reason for the initial break-up, because there lies the key.

Answer 4

You are looking for a man that doesn't exist. Men in general like sports - why? Because they are wired to be competitive. What you are expressing is a fundamental difference between men and women in general. Do men EVER really understand us women? Secondly you married him knowing full well what kinds of stuff he was into. You knew when you stood at that altar that there were differences between you two - and yet you married him anyways. None of this - "I'll wait around until someone better comes along". That's not how marriage works. Lock into counseling and find a compromise on the things each other likes. Ever go to a baseball game with him? Ever curl up beside him and ask him to explain the rules of his favorite sport? There has to be a compromise. And sometimes you have to show interest in the things that are important to him as well - that's what you do for the ones you love. Nothing should be more important that just spending time with him.

Answer 5

Wow are you hoping for the perfect man after you found a great love. My husband and I have a few things in common and yet we have a lot not even in the same world. I love to garden and sew and write and read and paint and to him it is all a big waste of time. He spends hours tinkering with computers and scanners, I think he needs to wear a big geek sign when he does it. Guess what, we are a strong couple and when we spend time apart doing what we enjoy it makes us both enjoy our time together even more. If we were together doing the same things 24/7 we would get bored pretty easily and no we don't talk about our separate interests very often. That is what our friends are for.

If you truly love each other than this is pretty petty. I suggest that you professional help to see what the real issues are. When you talk to your friends or observe your families relationships how does yours stack up?

Answer 6

Common interests are an important thing in a relationship. While you don't want everything in common, which would be boring, some things that can be shared and enjoyed are nice. Shared values are also important - stuff like thoughts on the value of education, parenting skills, finances, etc. All too often we're with someone whom we genuinely love and care about, but there's just a sense of basic incompatibility, often due to nothing in common, distance, lack of things to talk about, and diverging values, that you can't get past. Imagine the finding house of your dreams but discovering that it was situated in between a slaughterhouse and a cement plant. (At tip of the hat to Mira Kirshenbaum) It just wouldn't work. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

That's rough -- I guess I just got lucky. When I married, we were similar to the two of you, educationally. I was a college grad and she had only finished high school. Then it got "worse" before it got better, because I went back to school and got a Master's degree. She used to feel intimidated by me, on an intellectual level, she said, not because I rubbed it in, but simply because of the educational gulf.

Later, though, she went to college and got a bachelor's. Doing so opened up a lot for her, and I feel that we now share plenty of common ground intellectually.

And that's what I think you should do -- find your common ground. There are areas of interest that you share, as you state. Don't overemphasize the significance of what you don't share. Instead, savor the differences. Contrary to popular opinion, a spouse doesn't need to be *everything* for a person. If you feel the need to discuss books, join a book club, for example.

Nobody in this world is perfect, and no man can give you every single thing you need. Your husband has your heart, and that should count for a LOT.

Answer 8

I would not say you have irreconcilable differences from what you have listed here. Just differences and you listed the key, you have to accept him "as is" and he has to do the same thing. Marriage is a continuous series of compromise and acceptance if you want it to work. Don't let anyone fool you, a marriage is work. Let me caution you, chances are that it was the differences that attracted you to your husband in the first place (opposites attract kind of thing). If you find someone like yourself, you will not like them as one would think. People that are too much alike tend to clash all the time and smoother each other. Just my two cents...

Answer 9

Wow, you just personified the old saying of "Men meet a woman and fall in love and pray that they will never change...Women meet a man, fall in love and pray that they can change him".

Sounds like you want him to do all the changing and so on...pointing out that he never finished college - but breeze over that you never finished your Master's.

Let the guy go - let him find someone who loves him "as is".

What'd you even marry him for? You knew he didn't finish college...knew he liked sports...knew he wasn't a "grammar freak"...and so on.

Maybe it isn't him that needs to do all the changing?

Answer 10

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