Lost Ex BF to Suicide - Funeral Question?

Question

My ex-bf committed suicide on Sat. His memorial service is Wed. We spent 7 years together, but that was five years ago. The relationship was very stormy; he was controlling and abusive. We managed to part on good terms, which was good since we worked in the same industry and sometimes crossed paths. I have forgiven him for his actions towards me, and we maintained a cordial, almost business like relationship. I am very upset about his suicide. The thought of going to the memorial service is making me ill. On one hand, perhaps I should be a 'big girl' - I mean, nobody wants to go to a funeral. But it took me a long time to heal from the abuse, and I feel like seeing his family ( that I was never close with),his wife who saw me as a threat (no reason ), and dealing with seeing people from my old, bad life ( that I had left behind) is going to rip open a bunch of issues for me. I have sent flowers to his wife and his family, and will write them letters. Can I skip the service?

Answer 1

Since you have been apart for 5 years, and had both moved on with your lives, there is no reason you should have to attend. It is really about what you need. A funeral is to "pay your respects" to the bereaved family, and say a final good-bye to the deceased. If you do not get on well with the family, you won't be doing them any favors by being there.
I was outraged when my long-term partner's ex-wife (she had dumped him for another guy more than 8 years before his death) had the nerve to show up at his funeral and act like she was the grieving widow! He and I had been together for more than 7 years, and had stayed together until God saw fit to call him home. I couldn't even go to the wake because the rest of the family had invited her! I didn't mind that she attended, but she tried to make it all about her! That is just my story, though.
If you feel the need to say good-bye, go very early, don't stay longer than you need to, and be discreet. Dignity and grace is the order of the day. The funeral is no place to dredge up bad memories. If you don't want to see the family, perhaps you could visit his grave later and say good-bye to him privately.
Do what makes you feel at peace, while avoiding causing his family any further pain. All an ex needs to do in this situation is send flowers and perhaps a sympathy card to the family. More isn't necessary, and likely won't be welcome.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Even though it wasn't a good relationship, you must have loved him once. You do what you need to, and don't worry about what everybody else thinks. Good luck.

Answer 2

I am very sorry to hear about your problem. You are not obligated to go the service, as you are not a member of his family. You have sent your condolences to the family and that is sufficient for now. The reason we attend funerals is to comfort the family and others who may be grieving. We also go to say farewell and to recieve the comfort from others. As an ex-girlfriend, you will probably not be recognized as a mourner who needs comfort, and you seem to believe that you won't be able to provide succor to the other mourners by your presence. There is actually little closure to outstanding emotional issues that can be accomplished during a memorial service. You do not need to open up those issues immediately, but can grieve on your own. Good luck.

Answer 3

It would probably be a good idea to skip the service. If you feel you need the closure, then you can visit his grave at a time when you would be alone and don't have to deal with the people from this not so happy past life.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Suicide is never easy to deal with, no matter what the relationship was.

Answer 4

Yes, skip the service. The service is for the living and we go to give comfort to those left behind. If his wife sees you as a threat then she will not be comforted, nor would his family be as you were not close.

Answer 5

I'd skip the service. I see no positive thing coming out of it for you or his family. Sending flowers and writing letters will be sufficient to my thinking. You might want to spend the day instead in meditation or doing some charity work. Don't be alone. Good luck.

Answer 6

Yes. You hold no obligations to this man. Going to his funeral would just cause and emotional setback in what seems to be a healing wound. Going to his funeral would just open up old wounds for you, his wife, and possibly his family. You have done more than is required by writing letters and sending flowers.

Answer 7

We as people seek to find a formal reckoning, with life and death.
We seek to realize that the death was genuine, as unbelievable as it seems.
Whether the person was dearly loved, or somewhat of a monster in our life we seek to memorialize and say a final goodbye.
Some seek to see it through as a matter of formality.
Some seek solace in the company of others
Some seek a reason to find a smile for the person.
Many seek to find comfort in the words the minister speaks.
We come to mark this day as a way to honor and respect the person we knew.
Some of us try to go through it with no tears, while others are flooded deep feelings of despair.
Yet others are rejoicing that the pain has ended, looking forward to seeing them again someday in heaven.

You need to do what is best for your own heart and mind. Do what will assist you to seize the moment to say goodbye.
If you feel that being in that setting with that specific group of people would do you harm in some way, then it may be best to choose another way and another time to memorialize your former friend.

Etiquette is not my orientation, rather I come from the viewpoint of mental and emotional health.

Answer 8

Yes , Skip the service ! A show of sympathy through a card , and memorial flowers is more than adequate for your situation .

Answer 9

Yes, I think you should. You seem very upset about it. It would not do to show up at the funeral and be upset.
Your relationship was a long time ago.
and I do not think the wife, who is the chief mourner, will appreciate your being there.
Celebrate that you have and moved on, and healed from the abuse. Stay home, and mourn in private.
You can always visit the grave later, in private, and make your peace with yourself.

Answer 10

Yes. Why open a bunch of old wounds? You've done the mature thing and shown that you care by sending flowers and condolences, but you are no way obligated and by the sounds of it, not really welcome to go. If you feel you need it as some sort of closure, vistit the cemetary after the funeral.