How to make him see how much he's hurting me?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to 3 years, we just recently had some trouble when i caught him having online affairs, we worked through it and i am 100% confident he is not cheating, but for some unrenounced reason he has little to no interest in a sex life with me.... and when i question him on it he says he likes to be coaxed into it, or that he doesn't always feel like having sex that he's tired and stressed out about "work Stuff". But it makes me feel dirty, and like i'm forcing him into sex with me, because i'm always trying to initiate it, and 3/4 of the time he makes some excuse why he doesn't want it... and it usually leaves me feeling self-conscious and depressed about myself, and I'll let it go for a few months then i usually end up blowing up or breaking down, but nothing ever gets solved. what should i do?

I would like to add that i've purchased hundreds of dollars worth of lingerie.... sex toys, books games, paid for get aways etc... and still it's like i'm invisible.

Answer 1

I think it may be time to move on, even if it is a temporary thing. It sounds to me like you need to spend some time apart. Maybe he will realize what a good thing you are for him. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Answer 2

Are you worried that he is not attracted to you? Have you "let yourself go" since you got together three years ago? Be honest with yourself. If you think that may be the problem, ask him and see how he reacts.

If you look the same or better than you did three years ago and you are sure that is not the problem, then it is something deeper. Maybe he has weird issues with women where he thinks that sex is dirty and he does not like doing it with women that he respects, like you. Maybe he is insecure about his own looks or sexual skills. If you can rule out his own issues, then the problem is in the relationship. Maybe he is no longer passionate about the relationship but is staying with you out of habit or a sense of obligation. Maybe he is bored with sex with you. If it is your relationship, you will have to talk it over with him. Hopefully it is something that you can both commit to fixing. Otherwise you may want to start deeply considering the future of the relationship. Unless you're both content with celibacy (and it sounds like you are not), something's gotta give. Good luck!

Answer 3

try not to let this get you down. If you show him that you dont live for him and that you have a life of your own and that he isnt your whole world... he will notice u more and maybe he will be afraid of losing you. So I know it is hard but find other things to occupy your time and make plans with friends and go out more. Let him see that your not afraid to be without him and surely it will change things. He knows you arent going anywhere... Dont initiate sex anymore. If he wants you then he knows hwere to find you and he can persue it... So I guess what I am saying is try to concentrate more on u than him and your relationship because obviously thats what he is doing.

Answer 4

is he gay? haha no seriously. My wife rarely wants it I always want it. Her sister oppisite in there marriage she always wants it her husband never does. You've been together 3 years maybe try jazzing it up toys or new bedroom fun activties. Get his attention with some new laugirie shave your personal area dunno try something new and diff.

Of course if he was having online affairs i'd say his drive is certainly not an issue so it must be something he's loosing interest in. There is the old saying if there not eating at home they must be eating some where.

I'd still try some new things see how it goes then re evaluate the situation.

Answer 5

stop trying to force him to have sex and talk, about whats wrong and whats up. and if he doesn't feel like talking ask what you can do to help and then maybe when he is not so stressed out and work is going good go on vacation or take a weekend to yourselves and do nothing or put on something from Victoria secret and spice it up , act out stuff be his sex slave for a weekend and find out what he dose like and honey if that doesn't work dump him and get a boyfriend who will notice you.

Answer 6

You need to get yourself and your boyfriend into couples counseling...If he refuses to go then go by yourself...Sounds like he likes the control he has over you and he likes to be the one who says yes or no...He's lowering your self esteem and that's not what a healthy relationship is all about...Emotionally he wasn't faithful to you and he may also feel guilty about that or he may feel resentful that you found him out...either way you need to work things out for yourself...with or without him...

Answer 7

try new things out with him and find out what really gets him "excited". everyone is different, and maybe u just havent found what really turns him on yet. about the online affairs.... r u sure he isnt having any more? i would be soooo PISSED off if i ever find out that my boyfriend geoff is having one or anything similar to that. that would hurt me for life!

Answer 8

Well it would be cool i u just get to hi without askin him when hes going to bed waer something real hot a wait for and and grab him an do ur Thing!!

Answer 9

Leave him. There is nothing more in the relationship and he isn't putting in his share. You are the only one that is working on it and you need something good for your efforts.

Answer 10

When your Bf does not want to have sex with you....that is a big red flag that he wants to break up.