How Much Say Should The Wedding Party Have Over The Date?

Question

I am planning an April wedding. My maid of honor listed three dates that month, two of which were Sundays (the day of the week we planned to marry) that she requested I not choose as the date. Those dates are her little young relatives birthdays. She doesn't want to miss their birthdays by being in my wedding. I told her that I would do what I could, but there's a good chance the wedding might fall on one of the dates she didn't want me to use. My feeling is that I will only get married once, where as her relatives will have birthdays every year, and therefore she shouldn't get all bent out of shape if she has to miss a party. The only problem is that a few other members of her family are invited, and I'm afraid that they may feel obligated to choose the child's party over attendance. How much say should the wedding party really have? I can justify some objections they might have, but its OUR big day, and we have to do it when it works for us, the venue, the caterers, etc.

Answer 1

I agree w/most...it's YOUR day. The one point I would add is that I could see your MOH or any of the wedding party, giving you a bad date IF it were something extremely major IE conflicting wedding of immediate family member, date they have booked a vacation and will be out of town, etc. What I'm saying is to me it would need to be something of major significance. I personally don't see that for 3 various birthday parties in one month. I just don't see that as being reasonable.

If she is close enough to be your MOH, I would hope she is close enough where you could discuss this with her and explain, if you need to do it on one of those dates, that you had to choose when you are able to book everything, which can be very difficult. I would hope she and the rest of her family would find a way to make that work and be there for you, especially if they are having 3 parties in a one month period!!!!

But don't feel guilty about choosing your wedding when you are able to schedule everything over a minor conflict. I really feel that is quite unfair to YOU...and you have to make the choice that is best for you, since it a major life event!

Answer 2

They don't have a say at all. It is simply a matter of you deciding how important having these people there is vs. having that date. She has told you that if you pick those dates she might not come because of the birthday so you have to accept that is a possibility. I agree that a one day wedding should take precedence over the birthday but you can't control her.

Perhaps you can subtly integrate the two so you can have that family there if it is really important. Invite him and take a little time out of the reception and have a small cake brought to him with a candle, have everbody sing happy birthday and move on with your day. They can have a party for all his little friends the day before or the day after, he probably wouldn't notice the difference and be happy that a whole giant room of people is all about him. You can even talk to his mom about setting up a party in another room where the reception is at and have him join all his friends and a babysitter there for pizza and toys after you present him with the cake.

Answer 3

I just got married on May 25, 2007. I myself did exactly what you are talking about. Instead of getting married in April like I had wanted to, I let my MOH control my decision. My MOH was in law school at the time, and for three weeks would be busy with exams, then the next weekend was going to be her boyfriends birthday. So I moved the wedding. When I went to confirm with her that she was going to be my MOH after finalizing the date with caterers, music etc, she totally bailed on me. So, absolutely DO NOT pick a date that you don't want just because you want this person to be your maid of honor. If she is really your friend, she will be there for you no matter what day you picked. And if she isn't, well that just goes to show you what kind of friend she is.

Answer 4

WOW--Lots of answers.....

First, pick your date.

PLAN A: should it coincide with a wedding party's relative's birthday, you could be diplomatic and call the birthday kid's parent and express the following:
"I hear 'Little Johnny or Susie" will be having a birthday on April the _th. I chose 'so and so' to be my maid of honor at my upcoming wedding, and she mentioned that she had to attend the birthday of your son/daughter. I was wondering if it was possible to have your son/daughter's party the day before or after, so she and the others planning to attend would be able to make the wedding."

PLAN B- they may go for it, but if not......, maybe you could invite the birthday kid (and parents/family invited) to the wedding rehearsal dinner as a special guest of honor since they would have come to the wedding anyway.....like a special early birthday party in conjunction with your wedding. It would be a small price (an extra mouth or two to feed) but you can have your special date AND your special friend in your wedding......a compromise of sorts.

Answer 5

Ideally, you should take alot of things into consideration when choosing your date. You do want most people to attend (or you wouldn't be inviting them in the first place), but I tihnk she was out of line of giving you a list of acceptable dates. I could see if she was already invited to another wedding or had planned a dream trip that was paid for AND non-refundable, but other than something major like that, no. Her niece's b-day is not a reason for you to not choose a date. They could easily have the party the day or week before or after.

If there is a date you really want for a certain reason, and if your church is available, that's your date. Inevitably someone will have a ocnflict with it, but you just tell them (incl MOH) this is the date, and if she won't be able to make it, please tell you now so you can make other arrangements for MOH.

Answer 6

Well, I think your maid of honor just told you how much she wants to take part in YOUR special day. This is not something that she should have any say in. This day is to celebrate you and your fiance, not you and your maid of honor. If she really cares about you as a friend she'll make a commitment to be in your wedding and work something else out to spend some quality time with your birthday celebrating relatives. I'm honestly kind of shocked that she'd give you dates she was available!! NOT proper wedding etiquette...You pick your day and stick to it... after all it is all about the bride :) Good luck, I hope you work something out and everything goes well!

Answer 7

I don't believe that they have ANY say what-so-ever in choosing the date. It's nice to try to accomodate her but this is YOUR big day not hers, like everyone else said if she can't miss one birthday out of who knows how many for your once in a lifetime wedding then maybe you should think about having someone else as your MOH. You shouldn't have to plan your wedding around everyone else, if you do it for her then someone else may want you to change something else for them. And I think that you have plenty of time to get things in order and so does your wedding party as I'm sure that they were one of the first people you told when you got engaged. I only have 4 months to plan my wedding and my invitations go out in 4 days! They aren't even out yet and I have some people calling us and asking us to change the date for some reason or another but I've already made them out and was set on the date, it would be nice to have everyone there but you have to realize that some people aren't gonna be able to make for whatever reason, but for something like a birthday when it's so far in advance, I can't believe that they won't make some other arrangements. No worries though, I'm sure everything will work itself out in time. Congratulations on your big day!! : )

Answer 8

The wedding party doesn't have a say over the date. Often times the wedding date is set before the bridal party is even invited. Tell your maid of honor that you are sorry but this is the only day that will work for you and your fiance, but you hope she will still be able to make it and stand up as your MOH.

good luck!

Answer 9

Like you said, birthdays happen every year...a wedding happens only once...(most cases anyways). Its much easier to move the date of a birthday party than it is a wedding. If your relatives chose to go to a birthday party instead of a wedding, then maybe they weren't people you really wanted there in the first place

Answer 10

It's YOUR day, and that should be your primary concern. It's nice to consider the schedule of important guests like family and the bridal party, but ultimately, you have to do what works for you, you can't please everyone.

If she chooses an annual birthday over your once-in-a-lifetime wedding, then that's her choice, and you can replace her as maid of honor. Or she could attend the wedding, and then skip part of the reception if she feels she really can't miss the child's party.