what do u say to ur dad when he left for 12 years and now he wants to be a "dad"!?

Question

my dad left when i was four and now twelve years later he wants me to go visit him in california and i live in washington, i would be far away from my mom and my brother and my family for a month...... what do i do do i accept the plane ticket to see him or say no...... im sooooo confused... i mean i want to see him and ask him alot of questions.... i need help plz! ;p

Answer 1

Tell him you are willing to give him a chance, but you would feel more comfortable if he would come up to see you the first few times. He's been gone a long time and it's going to take time to adjust to having him back in your life and that you just don't feel comfortable going away from everything and everyone you've known for so long. Hopefully he will understand.

Answer 2

As a kid, I used to dream that this would happen. (Of course in my dream, my dad was really a King of some weird country and was kidnapped which is why he left...) Seriously, I feel you. It sounds like you may need this trip to talk things out. It's hard when you spend most your life hating & resenting someone, then all of the sudden your supposed to forgive & make nice. The big question is are you ready? Only you know. Maybe you need to talk about a shorter visit, like a week. A month is really long to commit to when you dont know how you'll feel. It's gonna be real emotional and a month of that could be crazy. Most importantly, do what YOU want, dont let anyone tell you how to feel. Let yourself feel whatever comes--the anger, confusion. Trust me in this, you keep it bottled up & it'll eat away at you. Also, dont be afraid to forgive (when you're ready), it's liberating. Ultimately, you know what your ready to handle, you may just need more time to get used to the idea. But take it from someone who never got this kind of chance, going for a visit may help you find some kind of peace with the situation.

Answer 3

I watched my husband go through this. He was 5 when his dad left, and 30 when his dad wanted to be a part of his life again. They just started seeing each other occasionally (but they're only 30 miles apart, and my husband was 30, not 16). But he made his dad come to him, and still does almost a year later. They talk every few weeks and see each other occasionally. I wouldn't go visit him, make him come visit you. He screwed up, it's HIS repsonsibility to right the wrong. Also, you're 16, what if something happens while you're out there? You'll be there with no family (aside from your dad who hasn't been there for you so has not shown you that he is dependable, but I mean real family) to help you get home if you need help getting back. He has to earn your trust back since he is the one who lost it. I think it's weird that a dad would make his 16 yo daughter who he hasn't seen in so long come see him when he is an adult who is more capable of handling the trip by himself. Again, make him come to you.

Answer 4

Hey Pearls, sorry to hear about your dilemma! Like everyone else said, take it slow. Talk on the phone a few times, write some letters, get to know him. Can you go and see him on a long weekend instead of for an entire month? Can your mother and brother go and stay nearby as a vacation so you have some family support? I know it would be hard for your mom, make sure you talk to her about it too. In the end, it is your decision. Your father needs to know that he is forgiven but that you need time to get to know him. 12 years is a very long time, he missed out on most of your life! If I were you, I would say no for now and suggest that you'd like to come for a weekend in a month or so after you have digested your new relationship with him. You have the power in this situation, do what makes you comfortable!!!

Good luck, my prayers are with you!

Answer 5

If you really want to go,then I would.
This may be a good chance for you and your dad to get to know one another and for you to ask your questions.
If it doesn't work out for you,I'm sure your dad would let you go back home earlier.
A month is not very long especially if you're enjoying your visit.It will go be quickly.You can keep in touch with your mom and family by phone or email and let them know how you are doing.
You may not feel as though he is a dad but he could become a very good friend to you.I'm sure he realizes that he has made mistakes and how much he has missed by not being with you all these years.I'd give him a chance if I were you.
I wish you all the best and God Bless.Hope everything works out well.

Answer 6

I'll tell you something, you only know what your mom told you - your dad probably has a very different view as to why he hasn't been in your life. Divorces that long ago took a huge toll on familes, many fathers were practically pushed out of their children's lives due to the way the courts worked. He more than likely felt defeated, gave up,and chose to wait until you were no longer under the control of the divorce decree or your mother - and you were free to make your own decision on if you want him in your life or not. It doesn't mean he ever stopped loving you.

Go, get re aquainted with your dad - you haven't even lived a quarter of your life yet....there are plenty of things your father can end up involved in...if you choose to allow it -if you don't go, you are always going to wonder.

Answer 7

My father and mother divorced when I was about your age and decided after 8 years or so of no contact that he wanted to see me. I found out he was dying of cancer. I thought when I first got the letter screw him but after awhile I thought, I kind of feel sorry for him. I felt I would give him a chance. I am glad I did. I visited him in Feb. and he died on Mother's Day of that year. I think that if I hadn't given him that chance I would have eventually regretted it. Give him a chance. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. If it works out that is great if it doesn't at least you gave it a shot.

Answer 8

I would say you should definately try to get to know him. Let him get to know you. My parents divorced when I was 3. (I'm now 24). My dad left. Then he'd come back out of nowhere for a few months, and then he'd disappear for a few years. Then, out of nowhere, he'd come back. And then he'd disappear again. About 6 years ago, his brother died, and my dad called me and told me he needed me. I went to him. I was there for him. And it was great to have my dad back in my life, even though I kind of felt like we were strangers. But, I kept working on that relationship with him. In the last 6 years, I've had the best relationship with my dad that I've ever had in my life. And I thank GOD that that happend, because just this past Monday (Memorial day) my dad passed away. He was 42 years old. I have so many unanswered questions that I will never have the answers to. I have so many things that I wish I could have said to him, that I'll never have the chance to say. It may sound weird, since he was absent from my life for so long, but I recently started feeling like my dad really loved me and cared about me. And I'm so happy that he got to show me that he did love and care about me before this happend. Because no matter how many unanswered questions I have, the worst one was wondering how he felt about me. I'm so happy I got the answer to that question before he left. I think you deserve to know everything you want to know. You should ask him everything you want to ask him. You should tell him whatever you want to say. You should try to get to know him, and let him get to know you. Do it now, while you still have the chance. If I would have known this was going to happen, I would have said so much...I would have asked so many questions. But, unfortunately, you never know when something like this will happen. Trust me on this one, you have the chance to ask what you want to ask, and to say what you want to say. Take advantage of that. It's bad that you have so many questions, but it will be even worse if you never get the answers. I wish you all the best!!!! Good Luck!!!!!

Answer 9

It would be good to see your dad. However he should come to you and spend some time with you little by little. do not just take off to be with him. This needs to be taken slowly. Make contact with him by phone for awhile first. get his side of the story. does not mean that you have to forgive him. But he has some explaining to do. Just take it slow.

Answer 10

This is a chance try to use it.
girl at 4 is different to girl in 16
go ,see him and talk to him,you will never lose any thing but may be winning a dad.

any way

A THOUSAND FRIEND BETTER THAN AN ENEMY>

I don't mean of course that your father is an enemy , but I think u got the idea.
GOOD LUCK