Should I give custody of my kids to my brother if my husband and I should both die?

Question

My husband and I want to draw up a will just in case something happens to us, so that there will be no question of who gets custody of our children. We have a 3-year-old and I am also 6 months pregnant. My husband has no siblings and I have one brother who is in his late twenties. He is newly married (she is 30). They are both physically healthy, and emotionally and financially stable. Here's the dilemma: they are not sure if they want to have children or not. Granted, they are very fond of my son and great with him, and they may decide to have children in the future . But I would hate for them to be granted custody and have them resent my children for tying them down or whatever. Should we have a conversation with them both about this? It would be awkward and I'm not sure how to approach them. Any suggestions? We would like to keep them with someone in the family but it would be hard to choose which set of our parents to give them to.

Answer 1

It's great that you are giving this matter some careful thought while you are still young and healthy. Many parents don't even bother to think about such things!

Before you decide to name your brother and his wife as guardians to your children in the event of your death, you may want to consider asking yourselves the following questions:

1. Do your brother and his wife have the same morals, values, religion (if you practice a religion) and ethics as you and your husband? If not, would you feel comfortable having them bring up your children? (For example, if you and your husband are very much in favor of gun control, and against private citizens owning guns, do your brother and his wife feel the opposite? Do they own a weapon and keep it loaded in the house?)

2. Do they live in a school district in which you'd like to see your children educated? If their school district is bad, would they be willing to move to accommodate the needs of your children, or would they be willing and able to send them to private school as an alternative?

3. Do your brother and his wife have a strong, healthy relationship with each other? Do they argue a lot? If the latter is true, do you want your children to be raised in a home where there is a lot of stress and fighting? If they get divorced, would your brother be able to raise the children as a single parent?

Asking myself these questions really helped me choose a guardian for my own daughters among the members of my family. I was initially considering one couple as the perfect guardians, but decided against them in the end because their marriage was somewhat shaky, and I was concerned about the girls listening to them constantly fighting. They are both great people, just not necessarily great with each other.

If you do decide that your brother and his wife would be the best candidates, perhaps you could invite them to dinner, then bring up the subject, and ask them if they would be willing to serve as guardians if anything should happen to you.

Answer 2

Be forward with them about this just so they are not blindsided with getting custody. If your brother is very close to you, he should not resent your children for it. If for some reason your brother decides he isn't ready for them, you will probably have to choose a set of parents, but explain to them why you chose one over the other. My husband and I made a will and we chose his sister for the same reasons you chose your brother. His parents will get the children if she can not handle them only because they are more stable.
Who knows? By the time you and your husband pass away, they will be grown.
Hopes this helps somehow.

Answer 3

I sincerely want to help you, but I only read through about the first half of that. The first thing I would mention is that Indian culture and American culture are probably more different than I could imagine, so I don't understand why the sister is so powerful. There has to be some logical, cultural reason for it. If there is not; get out. A family that dysfunctional is not worth being in. Second; if you're not happy, and you've tried to discuss this with your husband but continue being treated like a dog, Get Out. Third. Child abuse is a terrible, terrible crime that only repeats itself. The only thing worse than abusing a child is watching a child being abused, having the power to change the situation, and not changing it. The reason its worse is because the abuser is psychologically conditioned to abuse. The bystander is only held back by his or her own fear.

Answer 4

Unless you can think of someone better who is a good friend of yours or a relative, then choose your brother. My Aunt who also didn't want children of her own jumped at the chance of being my Godmother (in case my parents had died).
Just because they don't want children of their own doesn't mean they would resent yours. To ease your mind be open with him about how you feel and have a heart to heart talk with him.
One thing is for sure, don't leave them to foster care or some orphanage. That will break your children down in many ways that we may not even imagine.

Answer 5

You must talk to he and his wife about this, not us.

Tell them exactly what you said, that you're drawing up a will, and you need to decide who would care for your children should both of you die. Let them know that you'd like to name them as the people your children would live with, but you want to have their honest opinion about whether or not they would be interested. Then let them have some time and privacy to discuss it, and make your decision based on what they say.

I would imagine that they could feel like they don't want a child -- if the choice is theirs to make. If this unfortunate scenario were to happen, though, they could feel very differently about taking guardianship of your children. I would.

My husband and I recently did this, and our will is worded strangely. Our best friends (who are married to each other) are listed as the physical guardians of my kids, should we both be killed, but my sister is the secondary benefactor on our life insurance policies, which we have to provide for the kids. She'll work with our friends to make sure the kids see their family. It's an odd arrangement, and I probably wouldn't do it if I weren't completely confident in everybody involved, but I feel okay about it.

I personally don't feel like keeping it in the family is an automatic best choice. Whoever takes them will need to be stable, kind, understanding, and would raise them with love, and preferably in a way very similar to how you would raise them. I don't feel like we've done something wrong by choosing friends who fit that criteria over family members who don't.

The conversation is awkward, but it's neccessary. They'll understand that it's something that has to be done, and while they may feel awkward, if they care about you and your children, they'll take it and mull it over.

Answer 6

Talk to them about it, it's a very important decision to be satisfied with, if you feel you made the wrong decision it can bother you for the longest time. Invite them over for dinner one day and after your son is asleep casually bring up the subject of how much you love him and hope you'll always be there to care for him, but if you're not, etc. Just try it and worst case senario they say no, it's not the end of the world, you can then decide on who's parents should that happen.

Answer 7

Talk to your brother and his wife before drawing up the will. They should definitely be informed that they will get custody of your children! If they decide not to accept custody, then you will have to talk with both sets of grandparents and choose who you think will take the best care of your children (not just financially, but emotionally as well). My sister will get custody of my daughter if anything happens to me and my husband. There are tons of people in both our families that would just love to get custody of her if something happens but my husband, sister, her fiance, and I all talked about this before my daughter was even born and thats the decision we made.

Answer 8

Ask your brother and his wife if they want to be named guardian- then even if they say yes put a back up in the will- that way if at the time your brother and wife can not/ will not do it your children have another option. I put two back ups in my will just in case.

Answer 9

Talk to them and see how they feel- and remember, no one is going to jump for joy (meaning they don't like to think of something bad happening to you and your husband). Ideally they will be honest with you, and tell you if they are unwilling to care for the kids,,,,,, but that's unlikely. I like the idea of a younger couple bringing up the kids rather than grandparents, but surely grandparents can do a great job as well.

Answer 10

Never place someone in a will for custody without talking to them about it first. Sit down with them and talk to them about your concerns, about how they would feel. Tell them about your fear of their resentment, that they may feel tied down. You need to be completely open about this and let them think it through. Talk through it and then give them some time to think about it and talk about it with each other. Be patient with them on it because it is a very big decision that should not be taken lightly.