Hi
After nearly 8 years together and 2 years being engaged - a few months ago my boyfriend(as I now call him) told me he did nt want to get married. He said he did nt know the reason why? He has told me he is not having an affair. In fact he thinks that would be an easier answer. I have been absolutely devastated as we were just starting to get things sorted. We had the venue,date photographer and I had found my dress. (Fortunately not bought it)
We have gone thru so much. He says he still loves me and wants us to stay together althou there was a time when both of us could ve called it quits as I want to get married and he thought it would be unfair if he does nt change his mind.
We are currently trying to work thru it and touch base again. He has had a bad experience in the past and is scared of marriage.
He likes thing the way they are but I want more. He is my total soulmate and this is the first time he has ever hurt me.
Has anyone got any advice? Male opinions also good.
2007-06-04 06:00:48 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
In the opinion of this male... I think he is a being a little cold hearted. I mean, eight years?? that's a long time to wait to get cold feet. I understand there might be some hidden psychological scarring behind this decision, but this is something you say up front. In my personal opinion, It seems he knows he can have you and doesn't want to "ruin" things because he's afraid if he gets married, something else might come along. Personally.. I think you should give him an ultimatum.. but of course, that is your choice to make alone. I wish you the best of luck in any event. Just know you don't need a man to make you a whole person.
2007-06-04 06:07:36 · answer #1 · answered by Kyle Spencer 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I'm so sorry for what you're going through and nothing any of us say will make it any easier. Firstly you have to ask yourself why did he take so long to decide he doesn't want to get married? You got engaged so surely at some point he wanted to marry you or was he keeping you happy.
I know you say he was badly hurt in the past my husband was married before we meet but after going out for 8 months he proposed and said that he knew from the day we got together that we would be married.
I don't know what you could do maybe try some counselling what ever happens I wish you all the best.
2007-06-05 04:46:35 · answer #2 · answered by littlebear 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free...Women need to realise this is not just a statement, but it is reality.
Do or did you live together?
Huge mistake if you ever plan on marrying....
Are you having sex?
Huge mistake if you plan on him respecting you...
I would move on, then maybe he will step up, but until then you have waisted your time, and maybe many years that you could have been married. Think about you next time around and demand the respect that you deserve, because moving in with somebody, and pre-marital sex is definitely NOT love, and definitely not a way to show it if you are not married. Men are funny that way, and until you realise that this is a cycle that will continue till you decide to love yourself, you will not ever be happily married.
I am not trying to sound harsh, but this is the reality of most women. How many woman do you hear complaining about your very same issue? There is a reason, and you need to fix it, or you will keep giving up what is sacred for free. What man wants to marry a woman he doesn't respect?
The only reason I say all this is because it sounds like you really want to be married. You are going about it the wrong way, because if getting married didn't matter to you, then just go with the flow, and do what you are doing, respect his wishes, and quit complaining.
2007-06-04 06:14:03 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is getting married the be all and end all? From my own experience getting married was the worse thing that could of happend in our relationship - it ruined everything. Before we had a great relationship and being together for 5 years. The pressure of the wedding the paper and the ring was not worth the hassle.
Think bout what you have already together and what you have been through to be where you are today.
I wish you all the best whatever happens If he is your soulmate you should understand his needs too. Bad experiences in peoples lives make it really hard to move on sometimes.
Hope this helps!?
Be happy
2007-06-04 06:09:52 · answer #4 · answered by mrs dibs 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Run away....run far away! You have too much time and emotion involved in this relationship to be treated like this. Even though he has had a bad experience in the past, after 8 years and he still hasn't figured out that you're not going to treat him like the other woman did...then he never will. After 8 years....he should be willing to stand up before your family, friends, and more importantly the state...and say..."I am committed to this woman." You'll feel a little lost in the beginning, but then you'll start to discover the you, you once knew.
He does still love you, and you will always have a soft spot in your heart for him, but you need to be fair to YOU. You need to do what's right for YOU. If he were your real soulmate...this would not even be a topic being discussed, there would be nothing that would keep him from committing to you totally.
2007-06-04 14:47:16 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think he is scared that if in the far future you stop getting along and end up in a divorce that he will be taken to the cleaners or he just doesn't want to go through the whole divorce process -- but that is why you don't give up on marriages -- so many people get divorces so quickly -- you need to work through problems -- get counceling -- divorce should be a last resort -- anyway ask him if these are some of the reasons why -- there are papers you can sign called prenuptial agreements that keep you from fighting over everything if you ever do end up in divorce. Sorry -- you are dealing with this -- it must be very stressful :-(
2007-06-04 06:14:18 · answer #6 · answered by Tara 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he's just not ready. If he has had a bad experience in the past, you need to accept he's not ready.
I wouldnt worry about it as long as you two are happy. I'm goin to bed that if he really truly loves you, that some day down the road, he will marry you. But he just doesnt want to right now, which I can totally understand.
My fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and I just recently agreed to get married, so i've planned my entire wedding in just 6 months.
I was in a bad marriage before, and didnt want to really get married again, although I truly loved my boyfriend (at the time he was just my bf) I kept telling him no, until I was finally ready to get over the past and move on with him.
sometimes it just takes awhile to get over it.
He obviously loves you or he wouldnt have stayed with you for the past 8 years. or asked you to marry him 2 years ago. Just give it time. If you truly love him, it doesnt matter if you have that paper or not.
2007-06-04 06:13:12 · answer #7 · answered by mannasox 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
To be honest, this may sound harsh but he sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it. He probably thought 2 years ago he could keep you quiet by asking you to marry him and then hope that you would have a long engagement and not actually be bothered about the marriage bit. But now its come to the point where you have to actually make a commitment to each other and he's suddenly "scared". You both obviously want different things and if I were you I'd get the hell away from him! :o) good luck tho, I hope you make a decision that is good for you and not just go along with him to keep keeping him sweet.
2007-06-05 03:28:24 · answer #8 · answered by xred383x 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to either follow through with marriage, or let you go. I bet he's just having a really bad case of "cold feet"; if so, he needs to get a grip on himself and figure out if he's going to uphold the committment he had made to you - or not. If you want to get married, you can't be waiting on him forever; at some point, you need to move on with YOUR life and look for YOUR happiness. IMHO, 8 years is more than enough time to get to know a person and make a judgement whether or not marriage is a way to go. You can't have him yanking your chain forever - it might be hard to "put your foot down", but the alternative might be to waste several more years in the uncertainty, and then having to look for someone else anyway. And your "biological clock" doesn't exactly slow down while you're waiting.
P.S. The whole "bad experience" spiel is just lame, sorry. If you guys have been together for 8 years, how long ago did this "bad experience" transpire? If he can't let go of something that happened many years ago, and remains in the grip of the past - unable to make constructive decisions in the present - are you sure you even want to be married to this man? C'mon; we have all had bad experiences, and we need to develop skills to cope with them and let go of them. To me it sounds like a tear-jerking excuse, nothing more.
2007-06-04 08:07:58 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are soulmates and he loves you so much then he will make that move. At the same time, There are things that he must see in you that makes him not want to get married. Some people are just afraid of being with one person the rest or their lives. He has to either put up or shut up and you can't let him dick you around like this either..Have some balls about your life because he could be wasting your time...My 2 cents
2007-06-04 06:16:25 · answer #10 · answered by biggboye692000 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋