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my fiance and i are tattooed & pieced.. my grandmother only knows about my tattoos nothing else.. but she has seen my fiance smoke.. seen his tattoos.. and seen his piercings.. and its not that we're not tasteful with it.. everything that we have tattooed and pierced can easily be covered with clothing.. but he painted her house with his shirt off cause it was the dead of summer..

since then she has HATED him.. shes called him a liar.. made a point of telling everyone else in my family how hes a terrible person.. (everyone else LOVES him) and hes just using me.. and all of these horrible horrible things.. when me and him still lived with my parents she refused to come to the house.. refused to go to family functions that he would be at..

she did however show up to our engagement party.. said nothing to either of us.. and then an hour before it was over cornered me and made me cry..

im worried about her at the wedding.. any ideas on how to handle this.. shes being a child

2007-06-04 03:30:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Weddings

thank you all SO much for you answers so far!! they are helping me get a little more light on the situation..

just to add a little bit.. my grandmother (my dads mother) and i have spoke about it.. my dad is kind of the black sheep in her eyes.. even tho he is an amazing man.. she completely favors her other son.. my uncle and his kids..

both my parents have talked to her.. as have I and we all have gotten no where except a HUGE family fight where she didnt speak to any of us for 4 months (before i was even engaged) and then finally started speaking to my mom again.. not even my dad or myself.. even my cousin (grandmas favorite) has sat her down and tried to put her in place

I have tried to be calm.. that didnt work.. i tried to invite her out to lunch to talk.. that didnt work.. and during all this we had all been planning on moving (my parents.. and my fiance and i) .. and have finally moved 5 states away.. so i cant even see her.. but the wedding is soon.. and i dont want a scene

2007-06-04 03:53:18 · update #1

22 answers

Sounds to me like you've tried EVERYTHING under the sun to work this out. I would point blank tell her that you're marrying this man. You'd love to have her be a part of the day, but if she simply can't accept him for who he is, she's not welcome. Period.

I'd also recommend having this talk in the presence of some other relative - more for your own good. You're going to want to have a witness. She sounds like the type that would twist your words.

On a side note, I like how she decided he "hated" him AFTER he painted her house.

Best wishes to both of you.

2007-06-04 04:24:42 · answer #1 · answered by sylvia 6 · 0 0

You will have to live with the fact that sometimes as people get older they get cranky and they also lose their "filter". I mean that they stop thinking about what they say before they say it; they say anything and everything they think, without regard for other's feelings. That may not change.

The thing to concern yourself with now is her either making a scene at the wedding or making you upset at the wedding.

There are a few ways to insure that this doesn't happen. if you have a wedding planner, you need to tell her/him the situation, and that you need their help keeping granny away from you at the wedding. If you don't have a planner, you might consider hiring a day-of coordinator for this purpose. If granny gets mad at the planner, so what? Then, if she reconsiders later and decides to treat the guy better, she can't be angry with you.

If there is not an option for a planner, enlist a couple of other family members who can run interference for you. Like, they are in charge of granny for the day; they keep an eye on her, sit with her, keep her away from you!

These are the only ways to make sure she doesn't spoil your day! Also, even if she says she is not coming, she may change her mind and show up, so plan ahead anyway!

Good luck!

2007-06-05 17:13:46 · answer #2 · answered by valschmal 4 · 0 0

It's a tough sitch, but I think you and all your family are working way too hard to gain grandma's approval for your plans. Here's the thing: nothing will change her mind but time.
My cousin's mother was so against her choice of husbands, she threatened not to atttend the wedding, and she grabbed a knife and said you may as well stab me in the heart with this if you marry him! My cousin just got calm, and told her that she wanted her blessing but would marry him without it because he was a good man and she loved him. Her mother finally did attend, but she wore black! Now, it's 20 years later, two of their four kids are in college and they have been getting along just fine for about 19.5 of those years. Invite her and don't spend another nanosecond worrying about it. Maybe she won't come, maybe she will. Maybe she will show up and make a little rude moment or two happen. It will all turn into a great family story someday! Get married and be happy!

2007-06-07 22:26:43 · answer #3 · answered by nomysteryhere 1 · 0 0

Grandma is from the time when tattoos and piercings were sinful - and the mark of someone from bad society. This is of course, untrue - but try telling that to someone who grew up differently.

SO, you can simply not invite her - which has its own set of problems.

OR

You can recruit an army of interference runners - several people to be with grandma during the service and at the reception to keep her in line (gently but firmly, of course). AND, keep people at your side at all times. Do not let her get you alone - ever. Keep someone at your side (the interference runners) so she can't corner you to hurt your feelings.

Make sure HIS family is aware of Grandma's feelings and tendency to mouth off. Beg their forgiveness and cooperation in keeping her in check. That can go a long way to keeping a potential squabble in check.

Grandma will probably never feel comfortable around husband. That's really her loss. But try to understand that she is from a different time and place - and there's not a lot you can do about a closed mind.

And loss it will be. She won't be close to any great-grandchildren. She won't have the opportunity to get to know your husband - who is a wonderful man. She'll know what lonliness is like - pride does that to people. They say it's lonely at the top - they're right.

This is why someone named Jesus was nailed to a cross for trying to show us a better way of thinking... So it's nothing new.

2007-06-04 11:31:38 · answer #4 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0 0

She is being a child? You need to grow a set. I realize that she usually is recognized for respect because of who she is, but if she is accusing him of a liar and a terrible person...that he is just using you....YOU or both, need to defend yourselves and ask her just exactly what she means! She needs to explain herself. I would be angry with her, and I would let her know (not by yelling) by being straight forward and to the point. You need to tell her that you support him; that he is a good man; that he has an education; that he has a job; that he is a sweet person; that he doesn't beat you; that he doesn't verbally abuse you; that he is an honorable human being; that she should be ashamed of herself since he went and painted her house for her--who is she to accuse him of being a liar when there is no proof of such an accusation?; that she is being a terrible person; and that she had better come up with viable proof, otherwise--she has nothing more to say about the issue and that she MUST rectify his reputation with other members of the family, or she is NOT invited to the wedding. Put your foot down and be an adult. BACK YOUR MAN.

Good luck.

2007-06-04 10:39:47 · answer #5 · answered by What, what, what?? 6 · 0 0

Really, how bad can he be since he painted grandma's house. I am sorry she's being so unreasonable but you almost have your answer. She's refusing to go to family functions because he's there, so do not invite her.It's not going to be a good thing if she disrupts your day.

If she asks why she isn't invited tell her how her disapproval of your fiance hurts YOU and how her behavior has changed your relationship with her and not with him.Let your family know you're on grandma alert if she shows up at your wedding and they are not to let grandma have her say until you leave.

2007-06-04 11:02:31 · answer #6 · answered by szq 2 · 1 0

You and your mom or dad (whoever's mother she is) need to have a talk with your grandmom. You need to tell her that you love this guy and he treats you great and the rest of the family has accepted him for who he is (and that's a really kind generous loving person). Your mom or dad need to tell her that she's made some harsh judgments and hasn't given him a chance and needs to get to know him and support your marriage or not come to the wedding (drama is not fun at such an emotional, loving event). As sad as you would be that she not attend it most likely would be for the best. Good luck and God Bless.

2007-06-04 10:36:03 · answer #7 · answered by tersey562 6 · 0 0

That is terrible ! Older people( I should say senior citizens) , can be very narrowed minded . My grandmother is the same way .Unfortunately you may very well need to put her in place and tell her if she can not respect your future husband then maybe she should not come to the wedding ... it is your day , not hers . It is hard enough in this day and age to find a good life partner , so even if your's has horns sprouting from his head , if he has a good soul that is all that matters ! People like that are the same kind of people that do not like gays or people of different origins & it is more likely then not that they are of an older generation.....

2007-06-04 10:41:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

She seems very old-fashioned and I don't think it will be easy to change her opinion of him if you do at all. Maybe she had a bad experience with tattooed men when she was younger. But maybe you should have the whole family get together without him (since you said the others like him) and all talk about your feelings for him and WHY you each have those feelings. Like, specific examples of things he has done or said.

And you should probably talk to him too, how he feels about your grandmother, if you haven't already.

2007-06-04 10:36:20 · answer #9 · answered by ? 3 · 0 0

If you think she'll make a scene at the wedding don't invite her. If you think she'll behave then by all means invite her. You don't have to like her to recognize that she's family. Seems to me that you have done all that you can, has anyone talked to her family doctor about an MRI cause it sounds like she might need one. You're correct that she's being a child maybe this is the start of alzheimers or something similar. good luck with your wedding.

2007-06-04 11:51:46 · answer #10 · answered by maigen_obx 7 · 0 0

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