Should I confront my mother, make her acknowledge lying on me & apologize specifically for what she's done

Question

I'm a 46-y-o woman with kids of my own. My mother's been the bane of my existence for yrs. She's never respected my or my siblings' boundaries - has a habit of spreading untrue, unsubstantiated gossip amongst us about the others. Three yrs ago, I caught her slandering me when she accidentally hit my speed dial button on her cell. I heard a long conversation about me that was full of lies that betrayed what she'd said to me just an hour before. A long rift followed because she pretended not to know what I was talking about until cornered, then sent a card of apology, but proceeded after to lie to the family about why I was avoiding her. Last week she asked my son to fix her computer. He did, and up pops an e-mail she'd written to one of MY friends, full of malicious lies for no reason. She e-mailed me a brief apology. It started, "I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to upset you.." Am I unreasonable for wanting specific acknowledgements, not just give vague, dismissive apologies?

My mom's way of dealing with these indiscretions is to try to 'make nice' without losing face, even though she's caused the rest of us to look bad.

Answer 1

Are you one of my sisters? OMG we have the same mother. I'm 54 and I decided about 10yrs ago that I had a choice about my mother. Nothing in the world was going to ever change her, in fact over time she has managed to re-write her entire life story and accuse's us of making things up to make her look bad(my grandmother is a saint now instead of the abusive selfish witch my mother said she was when we were young).

I hate to tell you this but its all up to you. Do not and I repeat, do not give her the power to make you crazy. You need to save your own sanity and just ignore her antic's because she ISN'T GOING TO EVER CHANGE. If she apologizes for something, all she is doing is going through the motions to shut you up. She doesn't mean it, she never will see what she does as harmful or hurtfull. You have to change your reactions to not give her that kind of power you. Put her in a place where you can love her on your terms and not allow her to hurt you. I am also sorry to say she is never going to love you like you need to be loved. Hopefully you have changed that with your kids, but it would be a good idea to look at your behavior with your own kids and do everything you can to make sure you don't become your mother. My daughters are now 24 and when one calls to complain about the other, I tell them to take care of their issues themselves, I do not involve myself. My goal in parenting was to make sure that my kids grew up knowing their mother loved them unconditionally, and I accomplished that.

Good luck, make these changes now and put that anger and hurt into your past before it affects your health. Its hard to acknowlege that your mother doesn't love you like you need to be loved, but its easier than letting it eat you alive.

Answer 2

After all you have said here why are you still in contact or telling her anything about your life? It seems like she can make up enough stuff all on her own, so why bother?

Your an adult and no longer are required to deal with your Mother. If she had nothing better to do than spread crud....then let her do it with someone else's life. I would confront her (better with the entire family present so there is no miss understandings or story telling) and explain that you are tired of being continually back-stabbed and talked about. Give SPECIFIC examples. Tell her you love her, want to have a relationship with her, but if she cannot quit gossiping etc. You will not see her anymore. Be prepared to back it up with action. You should not have to worry about your reputation or what your mother said this week about you to anyone.....this is how families become divided....words do hurt more than rocks!!! Which is why I recommend again you do this in front of your entire family if at all possible. Any of your siblings/in laws that cannot be present should be given the "heads-up" before hand so they can be prepared for the tearful "She's so mean to me" phone call that is sure to come. Poisonous mom's are a total pain. I have one of my own that I only communicate with via email copied to my brother & father to elimate any possiablity of misunderstandings, miscommunications or fights between us. I pray I am never like her with my kids! Stay strong, good luck & best wishes.

Answer 3

Let her do what ever the hell she wants to and keep your distance from her. If she cant respect you there is no reason to stay in contact with her. She may be just looking for a reaction or just gossiping for attention. the best thing you can do is ignore her. Dont demand an appology or such just tell her you dont want anything to do with her. Let her appologise on her own and you still dont have to accept it. Dont let her walk all over you.

Answer 4

properly right here is the element, as long as you do no longer forgive her you're in simple terms hurting your self. you could forgive her and nevertheless be mad. once you carry onto some thing like this (besides the incontrovertible fact that incorrect it is) it's going to make you sour. perhaps it hasn't yet yet over the years it is going to. you in simple terms ought to comprehend that she is human too, and take a inspect to appreciate why she did.does the flaws she did/does. i understand that's frustrating. terrific element to do it to tell her, I settle to your apology and that i forgiven you. besides the incontrovertible fact that, you won't be able to assume issues to pass back to standard. There are outcomes for peoples strikes and between the outcomes for the flaws you have achieved is me being disillusioned at you. i prefer to forgive you with a view to assist me be a greater advantageous guy or woman. Please understand that i'm nevertheless mad, and we probable wont be conversing plenty. it is going to take plenty for us to come back to having (or maybe beginning to have) a dating. have self belief me, she will have the means to admire you whilst she hears this. it ought to no longer be in the present day yet over the years it is going to sink in. it is going to tutor her which you are the bigger guy or woman.

Answer 5

You should try to forgive your mother with a big heart. Seriously, you mentioned that you are 46, which makes your mother practically halfway in the coffin. Just let her have her way for a few years and she will be gone.
You must remember that your children will imitate how you treat your mother. If you treat her with respect even when she doesn't, your children will watch and learn. But if you expect tit-for-tat, then your children will grow up with the same mindset.

Answer 6

She's not going to confess to anything and make herself look bad. Keep your distance, you have very good reason to.