Losing a loved one - is delayed grief normal?

Question

My boyfriend lost his mother to cancer in January and has avoided the subject and got on with life until recently. He has admitted thinking of her alot and has been very emotional recently. Is it normal to delay grief until 5 months later and what can I do to be there for him and help him through this difficult time?

Answer 1

That is a difficult situation , but the best you can do is be there with him. If he needs you , during your at work or out with the girls , just tell hime you'll be there.
You can also get him a few thoughtful things , like gifts or maybe doing something for him that can make his life easier.
Lets say he has lots of errands to run , do some of them , like wash the dishes ans go to the grocery . It will make him happy knowing someone cares.
Plus , it can improve your relationship , because he knows he can rely on you on times of need.

Answer 2

Yes it is normal. It is easier to put off grief until later and you can listen and help him talk through his feelings. Do not try to avoid the subject of his mother because that only serves to make him think that he can't or should not be thinking of her or be sad. Different people grieve in different ways. While I thought that I was over the grief of losing my dad even before he died because he was so sick and not really understanding all that was going on, I only realized about 2 mos that it hit me that he was gone. Counseling is available through lots of sources, try a local church, if necessary.

Answer 3

It is very normal.
He may have been denying his emotions, as a way to deal with it for the time being, and now is coming to terms with it. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. If he wants to talk about the emotions, be there open and listening. If he doesn't, don't force him to. Do whatever you think would be comforting if you were grieving. Keep in mind that he is in a vulnerable state, and you need to be patient.
You sound like a very caring girlfriend, and I hope all goes well.

Answer 4

Yes, it's normal. The first stage is denial. It can last a few seconds or a few years. The best thing you can do for him is not mention how long it's been. Remember, dealing with it is new, so it's emotionally like it happened yesterday. Just listen and be encouraging. If he changes emotionally (depression or anger) offer to go to grief counseling with him. (It's free - just look up 'grief' in the phone book and you will find groups.)

Answer 5

Grief comes in waves (I lost a sister to cancer in January). It's not an on/off thing, more like a low/high thing. Sometimes it's a remembrance and other times it's more. Completely unrelated events can remind me of her.

Be there to listen but don't push it.

Answer 6

I lost my father in 1988 when I was 20. He never saw me get married or have two beautiful daughters. And he hasn't been around to share in my life since then. I wonder if he would be proud of me, and what I have done in life. I have had sad feelings since then, at different times.
It can be different for each person. You can do the best thing for your boyfriend by just being supportive and by being there for him, like you have already said. However, if his emotional state becomes too much of a worry, then it may be advisable for him to speak to his GP etc. I still think of my father now. I cope by thinking of the good times we shared together.
Good luck to you both.

Answer 7

people deal with grieve in different ways sometimes it can take years even a lifetime to get over it and then you never really do because there are memories talk about his mum from time to time blocking her out to deal with his grieve is never a good idea although it could make him sad to hear her mentioned so choose a nice calm opportunity and state that although she isn't here physically she is looking after him from above and she would be proud of him when it is the anniversary or her birthday etc suggest you go out or buy his mum something to place in the home or the grave if he is up to it. make her feel part of his life even though she is gone but do this in a soft way because he could feel that she is making the decisions even though she is up in heaven and he may find it even harder to let go thus bringing a little strain into your relationship. it is early days for him yet but later he will accept it and bless you for being a great strength in his life how do i know it happened to me with my mum good luck

Answer 8

Losing some one dear affects people in different ways. I think about my dad more since he passed away then he was alive. This brought emotions and good memories flooding back. I missed him terribly so much so that I hated living and I wanted to talk to him but I new I couldn't so I got in touch with a very good medium. (She is local to Peterborough, if you want her name email me). After my session with her I felt as if the world had been lifted from my shoulders and I was able to get on with my life.
There is nothing you can do for your boyfriend other then be there for him to talk things through. Some people don't want to talk about it others will. Stand by your man, good luck.

Answer 9

Delayed grief is normal for lots of people. Sometimes people try to push their own feelings aside to be strong for other loved ones.He may have felt that if he lost control of his emotions he wouldn't be strong enough to help other loved ones who were grieving.The feelings he has know would more than likely be just as strong and emotionally draining as if she just passed away.Please be patient with your boyfriend.No one ever gets over the loss of a loved one...... We do learn to live with it.

Answer 10

Everyone is different, my best mate lost his Dad to CJD last week. The weeks before he died he would often ring me in the early hrs very upset. He died last Monday, so naturally i went to see him. I live 500 miles away in another country. I arrived to find he was fine, laughing & joking. But im sure it will not stay like that. But who knows. Try not to be 2 worryed. Just tell him that if he feels like talking to you anytime, you are their for him. Its all you can do. You can't force grief.