hwo can i ask my gran about her "secret" family history without upsetting her?

Question

My Gran was married before she met my Granddad and had two daughters. Her 1st husband beat her and she left him, but he got custody of the girls. It hurt my gran too much to see them, so, being who she is, she chose to keep them a secret and hasn't seen them for years (almost 50 years since my dad is 48!). My g aunt Elaine used to keep in touch with them, but died several years ago. I found out about them about the same time, but my gran doesn't know that i know....

My father wants to find them once his mother has passed on, but we know so little, and basically, she won't talk to him or his other sisters about it.

Answer 1

i think you would be better off speaking to your father first ..it may be better coming from him..don't go blurting to gran as you say i think you will upset her ..but your father has the right to know his sisters

Answer 2

In this matter, your Gran's feelings must always, always be more important than your interest in knowing more about this matter. So please bear that in mind as you make your decision whether to ask her about this. By the way, I applaud your desire to be tactful -- that's a skill in short supply here in the U.S. nowadays.

Bear in mind that although emotional wounds heal with time, they can sometimes be re-opened easily. Gran may find peace in knowing that that part of her life is in the past. Think about it -- she gave up two of her children. That took a lot of guts and work for her, and her choice to not talk about it often was likely her way of putting the matter to rest. When one deals with a particularly unpleasant issue, once it is finalized they tend to go forward and not look back.

Another thing to consider is how Gran would react if she knew Elaine had revealed this secret past to you. And if it wasn't Elaine, the same applies to Gran's reaction about whoever it was that made the revelation. In other words, was the revelation actually a breach of trust that Gran had enacted? Perhaps Gran wasn't even aware that Elaine had kept in touch with the two daughters.

I'm wondering what the daughters' went through, being in contact with their Aunt Elaine but not their birth mother. I'm also wondering about why Elaine maintained contact with the daughters when you Gran wanted them kept a secret.

Another possibility just occurred to me. It may very well be that, since the daughters are now well into adulthood, they may in fact be in contact with Gran. This would of course depend on how old they were when Gran left, but if they were older than infants they would likely have wanted to see her again. If Elaine was contacting them but refusing to give them contact information for their mother, that would have been rather extreme and ill-advised.

If the above paragraph is true, the people involved may have simply chosen to keep the separations in place, rather than instigate a major family reunion. You'll as you get older that families are not only composed of people, but also that those people are individual thinkers -- you can't take offense if someone doesn't have the same outlook or opinion as you do.

That's all that I can come up with. This sounds like quite a family history you have. But again, my strongest advice is to consider your Gran's feelings. If it would upset her to learn that the confidentiality had been breached, then you must not tell her. Though you're naturally quite interested in this, that is not the same as having a legitimate need to know.

If your dad knows about this past, you might confidentially broach the subject with him. But if Gran has peace about this matter, she deserves to retain it.

This is quite a unique quandry, and I wish you luck in handling it.

Answer 3

You could try approaching it from the angle of doing a family tree. or you could just say that your aunt Elaine told you before she died and you've always wanted to ask, but didn't want to offend or hurt her. The memory could be painful or she may have come to peace with it, if so, it won't hurt her to talk about it and if not, she should. You could have a lot of family out there, you don't know about. Does your Dad know? Did Aunt Elaine keep any paper work? As long as things are asked with love, not judgment, you should do what you have to do? good luck!

Answer 4

How sad for your grandmother. Have you gone through your great-aunt's stuff to see if she has an address or telephone number? Did your great-aunt have children, they might have a way of contacting your aunts? Do you know the names of the people you're looking for?

I suppose you could try very gently telling your gran that you would like to find your two aunts, and ask her what she knows. You could point out that you are fairly sure your aunts would like to meet her, but quite possibly are in the same boat, in that they don't know where to start looking. It could also be that their father told them stories to discourage them from looking for their mother. It will need a lot of tact, and you will have to try and stay calm.

You could also get a private investigator, if you know where your grandmother lived during her first marriage.

Answer 5

There are times when it is best not to say anything at all. Just because you know something doesn't mean you have to pursue it. If you feel it would hurt your grandmother to talk about it, then I would seek other sources of knowlege about her first marriage and the children from it.

Genealogy is about knowlege, but it's also about family; I don't believe it's ever right to hurt someone in the search for that knowlege.

Answer 6

OK. Your gran isn't mental or anything so just ask her!!! She may be a bit sensative about this subject but after talking to her about it for a while she'll open up. I'm sure if you married someone before your current husband and had babies with him you wouldn't want to talk bout it. Just walk a mile in her shoes ! Make sure to talk about this with her before she dies. Her history is your history too!

Answer 7

I would leave it alone, since it's obviously something she doesn't want to talk about. If you are doing genealogical reseacrh, there are enough public records out there to give you your answers without stirring up a family mess. And we all have them.

Answer 8

Well take time talk to Ur gran when she is ready to talk. Don't ask difficult question. Talk to her when there is not one in the house. Good luck.

Answer 9

Let her keep her secret. If she could handle seeing her girls and letting the family know, she would have done that. If you want to know them, wait until she dies before you search for them. This is her business, not yours. If you love her, let it be. It has hurt her more than enough already.

Answer 10

Let her keep her secrets and be happy.You have no right to destroy her personal choice to keep secret with herself.There is no advantage in digging up 50 year old bitter happenings.