How do you increase your self esteem and confidence? I think girls can smell my low self esteem?

Question

Some of my friends say I have come a long way in my confidence in social situations. But my self esteem has always been low. In highschool many girls thought I was cute but I was called things like "queer" by the guys. I fear others wouldn't like me once they got to know me. I am learning to stand up for myself. I used to let jerks walk all over me but I do not want to do that anymore. I still get a lot of compliments on my looks. However, girls can tell that I am have low self esteem. I am seeing a therapist and have for several years. I also went through the workbook "Search for Significance" several times. I pray about it a lot and look up verses on God's love but I could domore. I don't want to whine about my past but I think that is where my self esteem problems come from. I was raised by a very critical mother and demanding dad, as well as friends who would kick me around. There are plenty of girls who express interest. But every girl I like seems to go the other way

Answer 1

Positive self-talk. Compliment yourself when you do something well. Don't be too hard on yourself. You seem like a decent guy. It's good that you are trying to improve yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back for that.

You are right people can sense a lack of confidence. It just takes time to develop a positive sense of self.

Answer 2

It sounds to me like you've already found your own special brand of self-esteem- you understand yourself; a rare thing in such a confusing time as this.

Forgive and forget is the best policy when dealing with the past. The guys who hurt your feelings obviously weren't happy about themselves and may have even been jealous of potential they saw in you and the limitations they knew in themselves.

Just let that all go, take a deep breath and push it all away, it doesn't matter now, only your future does.

You've listed a bunch of your strengths- you're good-looking, you have a big heart, you're honest, you care about yourself. Focus on what you have, take pride in your accomplishments and gifts.

Everything you've come through to get to this point has been the anvil upon which you were forged; the hardships of your life have done nothing but make you stronger and your presence here and your continued search for improvement demonstrates to everyone that you’ll never buckled to the pressure of life or ever give up on yourself.

In the end you are something better now, something more unique and special than anything you would have become without such heartache and difficulty.

I say embrace what you are and love what you have become and you'll be amazed at how quickly and completely the world moves to accommodate both your determination and aspirations.

Answer 3

Continue with seeing the therapist. Build up your self esteem in other ways too. Go to the gym and work out & take up self-defence classes. Build self-discipline & cut yourself some slack from time to time. Don't be overly critical of yourself like your mother was. Work on your studies. You will be good at something. Take up sports/hobbies which allow you to socialise with others - eg. guitar lessons, photography, etc - something which you enjoy doing with like-minded individuals. Enjoy life while you're at it.

The past is past, build on the future & what you want. Lose the friends that kick you around. Build your personality. You're you & significant in that way. You're unique and working on yourself to become a better person - not just outward but inwards too. Volunteer. You're on the right track. Good luck.

Answer 4

I feel the same, but I'm 15. Although, I have a kind of philosophy which really helps - maybe you should make one? You need to get inspired... These hopes and dreams you speak of; by saying 'but nothing is gunna happen', you're immediately helping to ensure that they do not happen. You shouldn't do that to yourself, nor to anybody else. Also, remember that whether you tell yourself you can, or whether you tell yourself you can't, either way you shall be right. You made me laugh in saying "I'm not your average teenager. Most teens are very popular and are out drinking, getting high and having sex". I used to be 'popular' and doing them things. Then I had a sudden realisation that being that person didn't make me happier, it only makes you, like you said, 'average'. Don't be that, be more. Find something you wish to be, get inspired, and take action. Beware following the crowd, though, for you are far more noticeable and interesting without one. You say you're 'ugly'? You're only as ugly as you make yourself think. Plus, being any better-looking will not make you any happier. Looking 'good' only makes the imperfections all the more obvious. Think yourself to be blessed in thinking such negative thoughts, for once you overcome these thoughts, you'll be a stronger person. As JFK said, "do not pray for an easier life, pray for a stronger back". Speaking of which, the social anxiety thing, I presume it's because of the bullying? Look upon your antagonisers as your helpers, for they have given you the opportunity to create a stronger person of yourself, believe me. Go out and overcome that anxiety. Remember that it doesn't matter how slowly you go, as long as you never step back. harming yourself would only be a step-back. What good could possibly come of it? And killing yourself? That'd be a hell of a waste... Just take any opportunity you can to overcome this anxiety thing of yours - you will fail to overcome it at first, but failure is the key to success. Just keep trying. Speak to people you wouldn't usually speak to etc. It may even make you more anxious before anything, so do not stop trying. You'll be happy once you get over your fear. Life isn't a race, either. This is the only opportunity you will ever get at it, don't waste these fears and worries you have - overcome. That's the only use you will ever get out of them. Now, go for it, and good luck.

Answer 5

This might not sound like much to u, but often a physical accomplishment such as a sport will do a whole lot for a guys self esteem.

If you are not the sport type, maybe something like bodybuilding would work for u.

Should u be interested in bodybuilding, u might wanna check out this site.... http://www.bodybuilding.com

There are tonnes of workout routines for beginners and diet suggestions too. And the forums have some cool people in em who will give u good advice and help with motivation and stuff.

I love bodybuilding cuz it makes me feel really satisfied after a good workout. Plus it gives me more strenghth and it's healthy.

Answer 6

Okay,
my brother had this same problem..
the only reason guys call you queer is because your nice to the ladies,you look and smell good and you're really well groomed.
I think the thing that is making your esteem go down are those men.
Just when you approach a girl,
dont be all shy and awkward..
make convo. and show her that your interested (keep touching her hands or arm)

I think that once you find a girl that does the same to you your self-esteem will increase.


Try It

Answer 7

I was like this a few years ago, and since then there is an excersice that I do everyday, In the morning when you wake up, look at yourself in the mirror and look for something that you like about yourself, does not have to be the body..it can be your eyes, lips, ears, hair, etc. Also try to wear a garment that you look really good in. Now make sure that is what you feel about the garment, because it's what you think about yourself that really counts. Another thing can be work, whenever you feel like you did a good job compliment yourself about it. Oh and if you do not have clothes that you feel that makes you look really good.....GO SHOPPING!!

Answer 8

Join the Army or the Marines. They'll bring out the beast in you. Of course you may end up going to war but at least you'll have self esteem. That's for sure.

If that's too extreme, join a local martial arts class. I've seen them work wonders.

Answer 9

Well the answer lies in you. A therapists can only make suggestions like everybody else. But ya know I had the same exact problem with people telling me that I was ugly and the whole nine yards but you know what I did.I ignored them and kept telling myself in the mirror everyday god made me and god does not make mistakes.We cant change the way god made us but we can critique ourselves so try to make yourself better but not for anybody else but yourself. And believe me when you start believing in yourself it will make all the difference and girls will see it. Good Luck

Answer 10

Be yourself & be confident of your words & actions!

Be sincere when u talk to somebody as a real gentleman.